A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi All! I'm looking for some brutally honest opinions/insights into tolerating bad behaviour from a partner. How many times would your limit be for verbal abuse or a partner who is on/off on/off always dumping you then coming back etc etc. I always seem to be able to give advice re what not to put up with but when it comes to myself I put up with stuff! My BF has called me a bitch on a few occasions in arguments and criticised my weight but he can be lovely, loyal, kind, romantic, reliable etc .. One of my friends has a 'three strikes and you're out' type of rule but I tend to forgive and forget and I konw some couples who argue and insult each other all the time but then make up passionately and seem to love each other madly. Do any of you guys have this problem, or have you ever had this problem, of tolerating stuff that upsets you from a partner you love?? I'm confused in myself and upset because I love my BF dearly and passionately but he is a hothead whose behaviour can cause drama and hurt at times. Also he is bit bitter about life. What is the limit and have any of you ever sworn you wouldn't put up with stuff then forgiven someone and was it worth it in the long run? Thank you for reading this question. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 Different people have different tolerance level. Apparently , you have a very high tolerance level because you have lost count of the number of times he has left and come back to you.
In the Bible , you have to forgive someone 7 X 7 = 49 times.Whether you can do it or not or accept it is another matter.
For us humans, 3 times is more than enough. Anything more than that is either you are crazy or stupid.
You are able to forgive and accept him back because of your love for him. Your love is able to overcome his short comings.
It seems like your life is more interesting with all those dramas..LOL!
In love, there are no limits unless you don't love him anymore.When that happens, he is impossible to live with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): Sticking with someone like this is just sending a message that you feel like being insulted and having aggression taken out on you (verbally or physically) is unacceptable. It will only get worse. You've caught a glimpse of his future behavior (probably a mild one because there's still a high risk you'll walk away since there are no kids/marriage) now you've got to decide if that's good enough for you. Being called a b*tch means you get no respect. There's a hundred more less overblown things he could have said but obviously he likes to bring you down - probably to his pathetic level. Don't feed into that behavior, don't become that kind of person yourself. If that's how you handle problems, arguing and calling each other hurtful names and making comments about weight and appearance, you are NOT meant to be together. This 'love' isn't the real deal and it will fade and (if you're smart) be replaced by the real thing after you move on. Arguing happens in any relationship but it doesn't have to get that bad. If that's what you consider the 'norm' then consider how divorce has become the 'norm' too. Maybe it's time to hold out for something better than average?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): when people are on off all the time and dumping,it is usualy because they cant handle the treatment they are recieving and their partner refuses to listen or care about their feelings. they go back thinking things will improve and end up leaving again. the one who has been mistreated then looks like he/she is the one who`s doin the harm.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): With reference to the guy with the ex internet hoe,its a good example of how abuse can come in different ways. Its counter productive as this type of abuse will destroy trust,cause suspicion,humiliation and not to mention loving a partner who you see as a total slut. She can then give herself the status of being the victim. It's a sad world but if you forgive the first time,its not seen as a warning by the abuser,its seen as a licence to continue as you are seen as an easy touch. I can imagine this is the type of abuse that slowly eats away at you. Very cruel and damaging and as its not head on you dont know where you stand. It puzzles me why women beaters seem to get nice ones and normal guys get decietful ones.? I cheated on my wife,she was far from forgiving. She is now my ex wife. I just didnt realise how much it would hurt her. I am now paying for it. I would have never done it again. Some learn but some just carry on. In the case of the internet hoe,its possible she has treated everyone like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): Male anon,dating sites,texting and the rest. Do you realise what she was doing? There is probably a lot of penis's left through the back door as you was coming in through the front. Why would you be on dating sites? Its not like they are there to buy a car,its to find a partner or in her case a free sex service. I myself had this cat and mouse game,far less tolerant than you. It took me 6 months to catch him in the act but i did it. If anyone does it twice it is up to you to say goodbye. To stay put through a catalogue of shit being fired at you will lead to a low self esteem,bitterness,anger and a very low opinion of the opposite sex. Why do some people allow abusive behaviour for so long?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): i went out with someone who for over 4 years was joining dating sites as single,cyber sexing,texting men. the last straw came when she was on a site openly looking for sex with married men,we had broken up at that time but it made me see her as a sad woman,this is when i instantly stopped finding her attractive and felt embarrassed. not interested who she meets,has sex with or what dating site she`s on since the seeking married men for no strings sex was discovered. everytime i left she would accuse me of leaving for other reasons, but as she totaly refused by to accept it was real, it was obvious she was kinda addicted and didnt want to stop doing it. she still doesnt know theres other things i never confronted her with,as all i got was blamed,accused of mental abuse or told i was paranoid.always says we were broken up when she registered herself,i knew different. i regret not leaving the second time i caught it,as i then saw her as a liar and was in denial myself about it. i think i wanted to believe it was me being paranoid at the time.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Brutally honest, how many times would I forgive and go on. I've been hit once by a partner. I let that go with a warning. But I'm a guy, I was hurt but not marked. Ive put up with some verbal stuff from more distant acquaintances / work people, But I will limit my contact. I quit a job once, just turned and walked out. After the apology I did go back. For example if a customer feels that the cannot communicate without swearing at me, I stop selling stuff to them. I call it an invitation to the world. You are welcome to take your business anywhere but here. So I guess I have pretty low tolerance for that. I wouldn't stay the night under the same roof with someone who verbally abuses me. Now to the on and off relationship. I was once used in a relationship. She was trying to get someone jealous, repeatedly, over six months or so. I was aware of what was going on even if she thought I wasn't. So I didn't build emotional ties to her. So it just didn't matter if she ignored me for weeks. I wasn't doing anything else anyway. So you see that was consensual, like an open relationship. I have never returned to a broken relationship. Wanted to twice. One told me no. The other didn't get a chance. There wasn't enough to salvage. So for a final tally.
Physical abuse 1 strike if it is mild.
Verbal abuse only if it is due to misunderstanding or heated passion, or a combination. There will be a warning.
On and off relationship. If you break my heart, don't expect me back at all.
BTW I agree with Caring Guy that this is a pattern (repeat) offender. It does not look like a safe situation.
FA
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (3 March 2010):
 ive had a few things thrown at me and sometimes you say im never gonna be one of those girls¬ the one who gets punched or the one who gets cheated on or the one to cheat or to verbally abuse someone or take it.. we all have our limits of what we will take but sometimes we go over those limits and it makes us unhappy or doubtful of ourselves and its not us we need to be doubtful of..i think your unhappy and you dont know what to do and not sure of how things are.. i think you need to take a step back and think am i going to put up with this for 60 years ? how many times are you unhappy in 1 month or 2 months compared to the bad? ask yourself alot of questions. i think you either need to talk to him and work this out tell him how you feel and if he isn t going to change ask your self if your willing to put up with this for the rest of your life.. you can help and offer sugestions but if he isnt willing to take them then you cant make him... you need to think what you want and if its nowere close to were you are you need to make big descions.. i personally think that if you get called alot of names ie 20 times within 3 months then their is something seriously wrong and something needs to be done whether you want to or not! good luck aphex xx
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Don't know. What is the limit you can take?
If some other woman can take it to be beaten everyday, does that make it all right?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
On/off/on/off, and calls you names and insults your weight. This is how you will be for the rest of your life with this guy. So make a choice. On/off relationship with a man who doesn't give a damn, or try and find a better guy.
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