A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for two months. We met online and before I got into this relationship I knew he was damaged. All I know that one or more past girlfriends have cheated on him other than that I don't know a lot. He is very guarded to the point that he doesn't even talk to me about the simplest things and he doesn't trust me yet. I know it will take time before he will let me in. I'm just asking for some advice on how to deal with an emotionally damaged boyfriend because I have never dealt with this before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2012): it sounds like he's not ready for an intimate relationship.
therefore, I think the best way to support him is to just be a platonic friend and not expect anything more from him.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 October 2012):
 This submittal SCREAMS to me of yet another woman imagining that she can "fix" a guy who has piqued her curiosity.... and who has an interesting - but tainted - background....
After - and only after - you learn that you CANNOT "fix" a man - ANY MAN - can you/will you find love everlasting....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2012): The others gave you great practical advice OP but I must warn you that you have to a limit. A person with this kind of baggage is not relationship material in my opinion until they've gotten rid of that baggage. It's not up to you to have to clean up the mess others have left behind, plus it's so much work, you can literally never relax with a person who has trust issues because you're always threading egg shells worried about saying the wrong thing or stepping outside of their very restrictive line.
What I mean by limit OP is having trust issues does not give him a free pass to act like an ass. Being guarded and closed off is one thing but you cannot allow him to be in any way jealous, controlling or possessive. Not even slightly OP, it's not cute, it's inexcusable and trust issues is not ever an excuse for bad behaviour. You're a new girl and should be a completely clean slate.
Also have some emotional limits OP, he can't stay guarded and closed forever if this is going to be in any way a serious relationship, it's simply not possible to have a healthy relationship without openness and trust. Don't wait too long for that happen, you too have needs OP, he must also prove to you that he can fulfil those. This can't all be about how you can bow to his needs, it has to work both ways, if you cast aside your needs to suit him then you'll set a bad basis for a future relationship, it will literally be all about you bending over backwards to please him and getting nothing in return.
This is the stage of the relationship where he should be doing his damnedest to impress you and prove his worth to you as a partner.
I urge extreme caution here OP, you met him online, he also has a history of failed relationships in which he blames his exes, he's damaged, he's closed off and chances of him just never coming around to being able to have a healthy relationship are exceptionally high OP, regardless of your hopes and wishes most people like this guy don't do well in relationships because quite frankly he doesn't make good choices. I mean how did he think it would be a good idea to get into a relationship when he has so many crippling issues with them? A wise man would deal with those before jumping into a new one. It's like a person with vertigo getting a job as a window cleaner on a sky scraper.
As I said, set some limits OP be prepared to give up if you're not seeing real progress in terms of him opening up, and do not stand for jealousy or bad behaviour even once or you'll set a very bad tone for the entire relationship, it's very easy for guys like him to fall into some nasty habits and then get a pass on those because he's "damaged". It's never a good excuse, you still have to be a good partner to someone if you want to be in a relationship with them.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 At least he was upfront and honest with you, that's a start. I assume it is going to take him a long time to trust you as he has been hurt so many times in the past. The only thing that you can do is be understanding and supportive but also remember to look after yourself as well and make sure you are happy. Never lie to him, even about the smallest of things, just be completely honest with him all of the time and hopefully in time he can accept that you are not like the girls in his past. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (28 October 2012):
 Be patient and understanding as best you can. Don't push, but offer to talk when he feels comfortable. Be yourself, and just see how things go.
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