A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am seeking for some help and advice on a situation that has totally damaged me..I have a boyfriend that I have been dating for 2 years but we have dated before this two year relationship as well.This 2 year relationship has came across as fake and unwanted because recently I have discovered for our whole 2 year relationship he has been looking up an ex and a girl who was apparently just a fling every month. I have asked him questions like why ? do you still like them ? what's the reason behind it I just can't wrap my head around it at all.He would look them up when we were on holidays together, who does that ? and he would also do it when I was with him like in person...He claims he doesn't like them or miss them or anything but I am honestly so confused because I have ex's as well but not once have I looked them up on facebook to see what they were doing or anything because honestly I couldnt care less about them. (Im not living in the past)I feel like I am not good enough for my boyfriend if he has to go behind my back and look up ex lovers that he would always talk bad about. It sucks so much because i have gave him everything I would ever give another human, my love, my time, honestly, loyalty.For 2 years I feel like I have been played and used. He means the world to me and I cant picture my world without him but at the same time I cant move forward with this relationship if im not happy because I would be lying to myself and him which I do not want to do !Thank you so much for listening, please give me advice on this because I need it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): Well it from what I hear he seems to be doing this for some reason. There is not much detail towards your story to give an absolute valid point. Have he cheated, beat your or something in that manner? Don't worry about them, worry about him. Ask him what happened between them and his self. Maybe he really hates them because they traumatized him. Sometimes we as humans want to see if they our exs are doing bad or good. Thats how we are made to be selfish. Hopes this helps. Good luck.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (23 October 2014):
 Unless you caught this guy messaging her and flirting or meeting up with her behind your back, then I think you are overreacting and jumping to conclusions here.
You think that longing and lust are the only reasons someone has to look up an ex? Sometimes, it's a simple "Where are they now". Sometimes, it's a "Ha ha, your life sucks and mine is so much better" inner gloat. Sometimes, simply, like the anon said, it's a fly on the wall thing.
I've been married for 16 years, and it's a very happy marriage that I don't regret one bit! But I have gone down memory lane before, and my husband has as well both with friends and exes. Not once have I thought "Oh man I hate who I'm with and wish I was with them!". I told my husband once when I found a guy I was into when I was a freshman in high school that I had a massive crush on who didn't reciprocate (I thought he was clueless!), and he's the leader of a gay pride chapter now. Hah! Guess that answered things!
It's not always pernicious why someone looks up an ex. Sometimes, it's an ego boost to some people to compare how good their life is now compared to how bad their ex's is.
Sometimes, it's a bad habit though...kind of like a list of someone who wronged them. Don't jump to "My 2-year relationship is a sham!" without seeing that he's made efforts to get back with her. AND - most of the time, that behavior drops off on its own because looking at someone who's gained weight, or lost hair, or whatever gets old. If your relationship is good, enjoy it! If he starts messaging her behind your back, THEN you should worry!
Obsessing over someone's internet or phone history isn't any good either. Everyone has thoughts...even YOU have thought of your exes from time to time in passing, even if you have never looked up any of them on FB. It's human nature, and it's innocent. We all have a past.
Just tell him that he has no need to keep up on her...and he should thank his lucky stars he has you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2014): Your boyfriend sounds like me.....nosey! I am in a committed relationship and happy but I just can't resist looking up ex's on fb. Not just one or two but ALL of them. I also regularly look up friends who I don't see or who I've fallen out with. I guess I'm that fly on the wall. I really don't want any of my ex's back but I like to see who they are dating and what they are showing off about. Just a thought. ....and different perspective. Try talking to him. Let him open up in a relaxed environment. ...
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