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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been going out with this girl for a little over a year. She's great, I love her, would hate to hurt her. The relationship has been great, we very rarely even argue and have never raised our voices when arguing. In most of our first year it was amazing, I spent more time with her than I have with anyone in my life, she has been my absolute best friend. We started dating right before college, and now I am in my sophomore year. I have had a fairly reserved college experience although I have wanted to be a little more out there. For the past few months I have been looking at other girls in a different way, and it's driving me insane! I feel like I have dug way too deep into this relationship and this girl is in love with me. I love her a lot but more as a friend now, she lives a floor below me (go figure!). Some days I say to myself I will stay with her and see how it works out, but most days I find myself thinking of the best way to break up with her. I have a horrible time communicating my feelings. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be terribly surprised if I broke up with her, but I know it would break her heart. No one has ever treated me so good, and she hasn't done anything wrong. Basically the flame has died for me, the little things she does have been bugging me for a long time, and I have lost some physical attraction for her as well. We also have opposite personalities (type A vs. type B) and no hobbies in common.My main conflicts:She doesn't have any friends here at school except me and my friends (who are all guys).We have a concert coming up this month.What is the best way to break up with her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006): I agree with the last poster, lynnsie is totally off. Please Please do not do a semester abroad just to "get rid" of her. That is what my ex basically did to me. I didn't realize it at the time but that's what happened. He continued to keep in contact though and prolonged the whole thing. Be honest and open to the fact that if she feels strongly about you, you are going to hurt her no matter what.
A
male
reader, maxsteel86  +, writes (5 October 2006):
 I dont agree with Lynnsie in the take her to a concert thing. You dont wanna give her one heck of a nice time just before ripping her heart out!! Thats the worst way to break up (from experience!).
Just tell her that things have changed, you're not the same guy you was before and that you really value her friendship. I'm sure she's figured it out herself that things aren't the same as they were before. To be honest, if she really cares about you, then she's gonna get hurt no matter how you break up. But being honest about how you feel and stuff would atleast give her the full picture as to what happened.
The sooner the better too cos it'll get harder for you to go through with it the longer you keep it off.
I hope you two get over this pretty quickly and stay focused on your studies
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006): Hey,
I'm going to try to give you some advice because I was recently the "girl" in your situation. A guy I had been dating for 2 years throughout college decided to do a semester abroad. From that point on everything hit the fan. I knew something was wrong but didn't really push it. We broke up before he went away but he kept emailing me and calling me saying he missed me and stuff like that. Then he would post pictures of himself with this other girl. I knew something was going on but he kept acting like there was something there. He even asked me to visit him.
I know your situation isn't this complex but I just have to show you how mine was.
He then came back in August of 06 and out of the blue one day online said he thought we should get on the phone to talk about our "situation". Basically he wanted to tell me he never wanted to get back together and it was then I knew that he had lied tome for the past 6 months about basically everything. He gave me the same spark is gone thing. He just stopped working at being "US". It hurt more to know he went on living this lie with me and leading me on to think there was something there. I thought this was the guy I would be with for the rest of my life and it hurt to know he got "bored" with us.
So moral of the story here is be as truthful as possible. Are you sure you only love her as a friend or do you think you just need to date other girls to be sure your feelings are real? I know my ex said he felt similar feelings with that girl he met abroad that he felt with me....so I have no hope. I thought maybe he was just confused. You need to sort out your feelings and then let her know what is going on in your head. It was hardest for me because I was lied to for so long. Every time I talked to him it was a new and different reason...eventually he started making up reasons of things I did, which was untrue. Tell her the way you feel and just be honest. I know it might seem harsh and cruel like it will break her heart but you are going to break her heart anyways. It is easier for her to know the truth than losing nights of sleep thinking, did he mean this or what does that mean or maybe he will come back to me. If you tell her the truth she may not be happy in the beginning but at least she wont think your a jerk in the end ( which is what I think of this guy).
Do you think it is possible you may want to date her in the future? If so don't tell her that because you will just put hope in her head. From prior expereience I do not think you can remain friends....at least not in the beginning. I know my ex wanted to be but I think it was because he felt guilty. You both need time, especially her. I am still trying to get past it and it hurts too much to even see him, so I avoid our mutual friends.
Be honest, don't talk about the future and what COULD happen...you don't know what could happen. Be honest with yourself too, why you are feeling this way and why now if you have been happy for so long. If she is great why would you want to ruina good thing? The flame that is there in the beginning of the relationship never stays that strong and ultimately you have to work at it no matter what. Look at married couples....they are grateful for what they have but they are not the young-in-love type either. The spark always fades but if you truly love the person you will have to work at it.
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A
female
reader, Lynnsie +, writes (5 October 2006):
It is tough. Best way you transfer to another school or study abroad for one semester, which will turn out a perfect excuse. However, if this does not work out, just wait until the end of concert and take her to a quite, private place, telling her your true feelings for her-it will hurt but it will work better than you look around and keep her blind.
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