A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI have a very long story and not so sure where to start. For two and a half years I've been having an affair with a man. After being friends, we admitted our attraction to one another and agreed to have sex as a "one off" but as time went on we grew closer and it turned into an affair. Almost a year into the affair my husband caught us out. Anyway, a couple of months later we resumed the affair. Shortly after I seperated from my husband and moved out with my son. I have continued to see this man. His story is he is 20 years older than me. He was married from a very young age and then seperated and is now divorced from his wife. He has a new partner and they have been together for 4 years. He is a mature, successful man. He has 3 grown up kids and a good relationship with his family. Last summer he his partner and a few of his family members went abroad on holiday. They werwe involved in a serious car accident (he was driving and infact drives for a living) her son and mother were badly injured. Thankfully they both receovered. When they came back he was supposed to moving in his partner and her young son into his property. This was a year ago and he has stalled her ever since - up until two weeks ago. He insists he has been honest with me always and he has confided in me numerous times about personal things and says the only reason he felt he had to eventually move them is because he still feels such guilt over the accident. He blames himself and said it was his fault that the accident happened. He said he hadn't faced up to the real reasons he was moving them in (guilt) and had tried to ignore his feelings for me. He is a kind, attractive and gentle man. We have been there for one another throught thick and thin. I left my husband because the marriage wasn't working and I did try to fix it but it didn't work out. Now I feel completely alone and hurt.I have a good job and a beautiful son but I am finding it hard to not think about him. Since his partner has moved in he still texts me during the day - not at night because he now lives with this woman(his partner). I saw him the night before his partner moved in and he broke down infront of me saying he should've been honest with her months ago and stopped her and her son moving in, but now he feels it would be to late to come clean i.e. tell her he doesn't want to make that committment. I know he feels genuine guilt over the accident because her son was very badly injured and the injuries he has will stay with him for life. I feel I have lost my soulmate. I know it was wrong to have an affair but I do believe you can't help who you fall in love with. I'm not looking at this with rose tinted glasses. I know the reality here that I was the other woman. I love him very much. Our relationship is not purely based on sex , we do have a friendship and always have.I am in my thirties and I've experienced love in the past but not one like this. I can see that his actions show that whether he wanted to or not he is now living with this woman but I know from knowing him well that he didn't want this to happen and he did it mainly based on guilt of the accident.He has made it clear he still wants to see me but now that he is living with her I feel slightly unsure about this. When she moved in I wanted to tell him how angry and hurt I feel about how all of this. Its hard that I can't see him at night or talk to him on the phone anymore. He has said he is missing me. But all I can imagine is him and her lying in bed together. He has said and has always said, they don't have a lot of sex - to which I have also said back, I don't believe you!What advice can anyone give me that will be the best course of action for me. I'm fed up thinking about him all the time. I just wish we could be together as I truly feel that deep down that he wants the same. I feel he is the right person for me. I have always held back. We have skirted the issue of saying to one another "I love you etc" so many times its unreal. I wish I'd had been strong enought to tell him how I felt. I am 100% certain he is in love with me too but he went with doing the right thing (moving them in) due to his circumstances. Thank you for reading.
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affair, divorce, moved in, moved out, on holiday, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Cut all ties and move on with your life. He is lying to both of you. You started out as an affair and that is what it still is. If he wanted to be with you he could and would be. Next time, learn from this. You know that you should only have a relationship which is with someone who is available and which isn't concealed. Take care.
A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 He's not in love with you. A man in love would do anything in his power to make you happy, not keep you on the side and make excuses. If he didn't want to be with this woman, he wouldn't be with her; he just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Honestly. Guilt isn't an excuse, if he really was a mature and caring man he'd do the right thing and cut things off with you. Don't you think it's strange that he (supposedly) feels guilty enough to stay with her and move them into his home, but doesn't feel guilty enough to stop lying to her about you? He is NOT your soulmate, and although you can't help who you fall for, you most certainly can help what you do about it. You made the choice to settle for a man that wasn't single, and the fact that his current partner is being given priority over you makes it painfully obvious that you will always be the 'other woman'. What incentive does he have to change when you've put up with his bullshit for this long already?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): I know you want to believe he is in love with you but, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. Who is he living with? You? No, someone else, if he wanted to be with you he would be.
Cut all ties, and move on with your life.
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