A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am feeling rather low today. Basically my story is this. I met my ex almost 2 years ago now, we chatted and got to know each other then dated for a few months and I fell absolutely head over heels for him within a few weeks, especially when he told me he loved me after 3 weeks. However, shortly after him telling me this he began to ignore me and we broke up. Then a couple of months later he got back in contact with me and after him spending many weeks trying to win me back we tried again. He then began to back off again after one night where he was being very open with me and asked me what I would say if he asked me to marry him in 6 months time, and how he would like me to move in with him. It was really like he opened up then left me again - breaking my heart the second time, this was October last year.He however has kept in contact with me since then, texting and emailing say once a fortnight or slightly more. We met up in March to catch up and had a great time, just chatting, however there was still so much spark and chemistry there.Anyway, the contact continued. I decided a month ago to stop contacting him as it was hurting too much, as I am still in love with him 2 years on. He however asked if he could come and see me this week and I agreed. So, we get to last night when he was meant to come over, then he doesnt come, just says he had to work late but no apology. I just dont understand what his game is - why arrange to meet me and then not come? I have thought so much about him, why keep in contact with me for so long after we have broken up. It isnt as though I am easy access to sex, as I only do that if i am in a good relationship with someone. What is it about?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): I am the original poster - Thanks for all your replies. I agree with these things, I have been unavailable and cut off contact just recently, about 6 weeks ago. I didnt reply to his first message asking to see me and then he asked again and I caved in. I guess he wanted to see me because i hadnt been in contact and so wasnt getting his ego massaged by me. The contact from me has been very to the point and not emotional, as I didnt want to be a fool. I guess it just hurts to know that he knows I love him but he is willing to play with my heart. I have in the past when he has overstepped the mark with me put him in his place. I think all these things when I dont see him. But when I do see him I know deep down that he does feel something deep for me, and we have had a discussion along the lines of how he is scared of the way I make him feel, that it feels so powerful that he pulls away and cant deal with it. I also know that this is no good for me, and I have tried self-help books to stop wanting him. I thought the longing would lessen with time but it hasnt. He is the only man I have ever loved. I will tell him if he contacts me again (he may not as i told him he was out of order for letting me know so late he wasnt coming over) not to contact me anymore.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007): You are totally dealing with an emotionaly unavailable man. He will only waste your time. If you analize the situation you'll realize how he has manipulated the relationhsip with you in order to keep you wanting him but then when it's time for him to get serious he looks for excuses. Typical of an emotionaly unavailable man. He is narcisistic and needs the attention of people but can't become commited. Look for self help books to avoid this kind in the future. http://naughtygirl.typepad.com/mrunavailable/2006/09/why_be_emotiona.html
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (2 December 2007):
 Hmmm. I can't be 100% sure but my theory is that sub consciously he likes to know that he is still "wanted" and that he has a "power" to do as he wants or to control. He does it for an inner satisfaction.
If you want to change this pattern, change your pattern and response. (1) Don't contact him. (2) If he contacts you, take much much longer to respond. Be elusive. Very easy to do for emails and texts, respond days later. For phone calls say you're busy right now and you'll get back to him later. But later means 3-4 days later. (3) All responses from you should be polite but cool. To the point not chatty.
He might not be the sort who wants relationship for maybe the reasons dearkelja says, but he wants to know if you're are available at his call if required.
It is selfish and yes it is a sort of game and I think a sign that he is still maturing emotionally. You're probably better off without him.
Richard
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (2 December 2007):
 I think I know what's going on here. The guy is afraid of his own feelings. It has nothing to do with you. It is all him. I am sure he means those things he said to you at the time. The problem is that he has no business saying them because he doesn't know in his own heart what he wants. If he is your age, late 20s, that's old enough and mature enough for him to understand what he is doing to you. He is stringing you along and unfortunately, you have taken it up until now. Waste no more time on this man. I don't know if he will ever be in a position to commit. Like I said, it doesn't have anything to do with you, it is his problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): I don't know girl. All I know is that he has been jerking your chain for the LONGEST time and you keep taking it and putting up with it. I mean at this point he is not the problem. You are! Have you ever heard the expression 'fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.'??? This is a classic case.Whatever his reason is for being this way is not the issue. The issue is that you have not once put your foot down and said "NEVER AGAIN!" Just put your foot down. Its so simple. He treats you like utter crap. You know how you put your foot down?? STOP TALKING TO HIM! Whenever he calls be short with him. Tell him you're busy. Don't be nice to him. Don't go out with him. Don't see him. Avoid him. And above all MOVE ON and never look back. This guy is such an a**hole. Try to see reality for what it is, he's an a**hole! So just move on!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): I think this guy is playing with your feelings big time. He nows what you want to hear, then he tells you, if he wants to sleep with you he could but he doesn't do it because he don't want to, he doesn't marry you because he doesn't want to. You see if he really liked you, if he really loved you, he'll be with you. He is burning you big time, move on and find a guy that really loves you. Maybe you have closeness issues and you let him to string you along this way so you avoid a real relashionship with an available guy. Good Luck and Wake up your wasting your time with someone that is playing big time. Take care my lovely.
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A
male
reader, steve107 +, writes (1 December 2007):
 It is hard to say what his game is the fact of the matter is he probebly dosnt know what he wants or hes playing you for a fool. Am sure if you look deep down you know what one it is. you realy should move on. the guy is a waste of his own and your time. dont reply to his massages or tell him straight and find someone who realy is going to love you.what ever you do good luck
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