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female
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anonymous
writes:What would you make of a guy who appears to fancy you, that is keeps looking at you, asks what's on your sandwich, seems to come up with issues as if he is comparing his likes to yours, but then does not come to you when he is upset or distressed. Avoids being alone with you, but then seems to enjoy it and make it last when he eventually is alone with you. We work on computers together so he distracts from the main issue so my list of tasks does not get accomplished, yet then I cannot seem to pin him down to see me again even though he seems to like being with me. I am really confused as I don't know if this guy likes me or not, but I am disappointed he goes to my colleague when he gets upset about something as he has a couple of personal problems at the moment.Can anyone give me some insight into what might be going on as this conflicting situation is getting me very depressed and I cannot ask him direct at the moment as I am not sure he would know himself. I really like him and would like to stick around until his personal issues are sorted but I don't know if I am reading more into his behaviour because I want to think he would get closer if he could and is shy, or just finds me attractive and no more than that. He used to confide in me but he seems scared off lately.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (2 August 2006):
 Anon, you have made some valid points, and yes, I DO think you should sign up- you would make an excellent agony aunt!!
I would just add my humble contribution, if I may, and say that as he still has not gotten over the break-up of his marriage, it would be appropriate to suggest that though he does have feelings for you, he feels unable to do anything about it at the present time. He recognises that you are someone a bit special, and would love to get to know you better, but anything more would be doomed to failure at the moment as he hasn't had enough time to sort out his emotional 'baggage' - and does not wish to burden you with all that. The last thing he - or you - wants is a 'rebound' relationship - unhealthy for both of you. Give him some time and take 'anon's' great advice. Good luck, and should you wish to discuss anything at all, please feel free to sent me a private e-mail, I am always glad to help.. Take care.
A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 Hey, I've signed up using the name you tagged me with!
:-)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Hey it's me Anon again - perhaps I should sign up!
I just read your post, although not sure you will come back and read more - these pages change so quick!
There does seem to be some weird mixed message thing going on which I can quite get my head around.
You said that you were spending time with him until other people started making comments, and then he asked you if you were chasing him. The things I'm not sure about are:
First: if you were spending time together and both enjoying each others company, then I'm not sure why the comments of other people would be an issue. If it was work people and they're at different levels to your or him in the organisation I guess that could be troublesome or if you and he are at different levels, again, that could be an issue if people were not sure that everything going on was 'above board' - you know on a work level.
Second: When he asked you if you were chasing him, it sounds like you got a bit angry with him. I'm not sure why. At the time maybe you weren't chasing him?? But your vehement denial may have sent him in the other direction if he did think of making any moves towards you - and could be part of the reason he's started confiding in someone else. (Although this is purely speculation on my part - I could be barking up the wrong tree entirely - but it kinda makes sense). This is a tough one, because *if* this is the case, and it's a pretty big if, then maybe letting him know how you feel would help things, but then again from your other posts, I'm not getting that he could deal with an admirer right now - so I'm not sure what the best answer is.
You could maybe talk about that day and apologise for getting angry - say you felt embarassed and put on the spot - but without actually confessing your liking of him. If necessary you could say something along the lines of 'I really enjoyed spending time with you, but felt you weren't ready for anything more and didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.' To me, that says that you like him and you were thinking about more, but recognised his feelings at the time.
(And as an aside, you've not said other than being embarassed why you got cross when he asked you directly if you liked him. Did it feel more like an acusation - then I can imagine you (or anyone) not responding well to that. I still think a meeting up outside work is a good plan. Maybe a work BBQ? Unless the work people are the issue?
The thing about him thinking he's not that good looking also sounds like a red herring to me. Most people think they're not great looking and I'd bet my bottom dollar that if he keeps saying things refering to his looks then he's fishing for compliments - or a reaction from you. I know it can be difficult to spot these when they're happening in conversation - I know someone who's said things to be in conversation and I've just gone along with it, only to think after - OMG what he was actually saying was..... - yeah it's the way men and women communicate - I reckon in code and with no translator! :-)
Let us know how it goes,
Anon2907
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anon 29/07,
You seem very insightful as yes I do feel rejected because he no longer confides in me. He used to ask me to stay longer in his room until other people started to comment inappropriately. Because he asked if I was chasing him, which seems irrational as he seems to think he is unattractive etc, I became cross as it was embarrasing and said he must not say such things and not expect me not to have an explanation. After a few days I asked him if I could have a chat with him and his reaction was quite animated and he looked panic stricken as if I would subject him to some terrible ordeal. I am terrified our relationship is breaking down after 2 yrs of patience and understanding, AND positive body language when he used to see me, instead of this look of suspicion that he has.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): Hey again, I can't verify it's the same Anon me as before, because I've not signed up - so you'll just have to believe me!The thing about the divorce made sense, esp because you say that he still loves the woman he was with. If that's the case, then trusting other women in a relationship (friendship or more) - even someone like you that he's known for a while - might be a step too far for him right now. (It'll be hard) but try and take a step back - it sounds like you're suffering a rejection, because he's stopped confiding in you (and funnily enough - I know how that feels...) but I actually think you've made the right decision not to continuously bolster him up.If you think you guys could have something suggest seeing each other outside work in a not obviously date situation (you say you work in computers - so maybe an IT show?? Or maybe a group thing, like a BBQ?) He'll then start to let his guard down with women generally - which is what you need. I'm not sure why he thinks looking abroad for a woman is the answer - unless he's thinking he wants some submissive paid for wife - in which case run for the hills anyway!!But seriously, try to work through the jealous feelings - sit back and think, why am I jealous? What's making me feel this why? If you can build a relationship with him on even footing (ie one where you're not bolstering him) then it's more likely to last because no one could keep that up long term - it'd be a massive drain on you. It does sound like all you can do is tell him that you're there for him if he needs it. If you think he'd be responsive to it, tell him that you're worried about your friendship recently because he's talked to person X a whole lot more about things, and you just wanted to make sure everything was OK. You'll probably find he'd say OMG, yes, it was just something I knew X had been through before.I'd avoid telling him for now about how you feel, it doesn't sound to me like he's in a place where he could respond to it in the way you would like.It's a tough one huh? But no one said the path to true love would be easy!Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you anon 29/7, your reply is sensible and rational, unlike how I feel just now. The'issues' are the end of a divorce from someones he 'loves'and is greiving badly over 2 yrs after the break. He does say differnt things to me I suspect than to my colleague so I do not pass this on as he feels he will never attract another woman naturally so intends to seek one abroad. He has a health problem (minor brain damege)that makes him talk inappropiately about sex at times and I suspect he thinks I have sussed this out as I tried to give him some 'insight' into his behaviour as I felt he was putting his responsible position at risk. He did take notice, he is a lovely person, and in spite what I say I just love being with him and are having stupid jealous feelings. I used to write supportive emails to him and he knows I have great insight into his feelings, but I stopped once he seemed to perceive it as me chasing him which was not true as I would liked to have chased him and resisted it. I stopped sending the emails but because he feels so low self esteem at the moment I noticed perviously that if I stopped bolstering him up, he think he soon perceived it was me who had gone off him. This is a man who is up and down just now, doesn't think he can be loved for who he is, and here am I feeling this level of care for him but cannot say a word.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2006): Hey, you say this guy has issues, but you don't mention exactly what about. I can't tell from what you've written whether he likes you or not, but I know that when I like someone, I'm actually more reserved with them about personal stuff than if I didn't. Perhaps he doesn't want to involve you in this more difficult aspect of his life, prefering to save his charming more outgoing (potenitally flirty) side of himself for you.I can totally understand though why you want him to confide in you because (IMHO) I think you feel it's a display of trust. You already have quite a good relationship by the looks of things, so you could ask him how things are going with xxx problem. Then follow up with, 'if there's anything I can do, you know I'm here?' type of thing. If you know about the problems through a 3rd party, you could say 'xxxx person told me about the troubles you were having and I just wanted to make sure you were OK?'No easy answer to this one, I think it's one where time will tell. Good luck!
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