A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay.. here is my question following up to my previous one: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-she-avoiding-having-me-meet-her.htmlMy girlfriend and I had been together for 7 months now and she had recently left to the UK for work experience and will be there for a year or an year and a half.I only met her parents at the airport when she was leaving for the UK and she kept mum about me. I need some opinion and how to deal with the issues that I am having. When I met her she had already broke up with her ex since January 2010 and I met her sometime in mid August 2010 online. Since then I had been dating her and she had cried many times confessing her love for her ex who left her. I told her if you really do love him why don't you go back. She said she wont.Then came a time when she had to leave her job due to office politics and she couldn't take the pressure there anymore and I told her to hang in there until you find a better job. but she quit nevertheless. Then she was summoned to pay her student loan and she had no money to commence a payment of 2k plus as the first payment and subsequently a monthly payment of 250.Because of that she was blacklisted and barred to leave the country. She is also active with an international youth organization and she was invited to chair an event in Thailand and she wanted to go badly and she asked me to help her with the loan so that they will lift the ban and she can travel. I did pay 3k for the loan and the ban/blacklist was removed and she could travel.Then came Christmas and she wanted a laptop-- a Mac Book Air and I said hang on.. there is not rush and she said some things to me and I said okay I will get it for you on Valentines and I did when it came.I have done so much for her and since she left work she asked me to support her with $500 a month as she was jobless and I did for a couple of months. But yet sometimes I find her unappreciative and she doesn't show any sense of empathy towards me. She gets upset very fast.She is now in the UK and on her first week she cried and she asked me to come and stay with her and be with her and I told her I can't and I had commitments here. She then told me that I was always there for her when she needed me and I called her everyday during the day and night in her first week consoling her and hoping that she would settle down. We used to also Skype and chat.On her 2nd week. She asked me to come online and transfer some files to her and I did and she made a comment that put me off and she just cut me off Skype and did not answer not told me she was heading out. I then tried calling her on her phone and she did not answer. She has done this on many occasions when she has this tantrums and she doesn't want to talk to me for days. But since that day she has not spoken to me over the phone nor Skyped me for the past 2 weeks. we only exchange sms and gtalk messages. it's like I send her 10 messages and she replies with one sarcastic one and she comments that I am making her life miserable.After that she wrote me an email saying that her insurance policy did not go through because there was insufficient funds in her credit card account and asked me if I could bank in 250. I called her and she did not answer and she made some bad comments again. She said why can't I understand her. I got pissed and I said if you keep doing this one day you are seriously going to regret it. She replied and said why wait. Let that one day be today and she said Let's end it here. Cool? Happy? I said that is not what I meant. I said what if you lose me or something happens to me when you are doing this?Furthermore, when she left to the UK my dad was in the Hospital for 3 weeks and I had been busy and she did not even for once ask how he was doing or how my family was. Prior she left to the UK she even asked me to loan her my brand new car that I got and I only drove in it for a week before I lend it to her for 3 weeks and she even got the car scratched and damaged. I asked her what happened, she said she doesn't know.She had made statements like these to me: "Don't always act like u r the smartest and never listen to ppl. i dont need ur help anymore.. i dont need u anymore. bye""u don't have to help me. i ask my brother to do it. i dont like ppl who agree to help but make such complains and etc. yes i ask u to help.. but i dont need to be insulted in that way (yes i feel insulted) so dont have to help me its not the end of the world""if u busy.. tell me.. dont need to say u busy running around and im causing u more troubles now. u know what.. dont need to help me.. i dont like things like that.. if u want to help me.. u help me.. and dont come and say.. 'im have been running around and no time for myself' if u want time for urself and if u think this is troublesome. u dont have to help. i didnt beg u on my knee to help me. now i see what kind of ppl ur. thanks bye." -- This was when my dad was in the hopsital and when she needed me to bank in the money into her account for the insurance payment.I even spoke to her about good communication and she said this to me: "Communication? Its all one way.. your way! U never listen to what I say! U reflect back and that cause me so much frustration and Im getting annoyed by u"I have always spoken to her with love and respect and never have I used profanity on her which she did before and I put her right and she stopped soon after. I have been very patient in this relationship and I keep giving and giving just hoping for her love in return. She seems to act very nice with her friends and with me its a whole different picture. She had previously said this "that men are the ones who break her heart and not her.. Loyal to one and faithful to all". I said to her that I am not like that I am loyal and faithful and which I have and had been and this is my first serious relationship and it means something sacred to me.I also found out that she owes her ex about 10-15k and he had asked her back for the money and she till today did not return anything back to him due to her financial constraints. She spends a lot too and she goes out a lot with her friends to clubs, karaoke's and for drinks. I believe that her ex left her because of this too and that she even told him how bad of a gf she had been with him. She has only had 3 boyfriends according to her and I am the 4th. She was with her ex for around 3 years until they split.I am not sure why she is doing this or does she have a personality disorder and why is that she has not learn from her past relationship. Is she really selfish or self concerned? does she wants to be in the center of attraction? Is she making use of me or is she really genuine that it is just her personality? If she is messing around with me I would want to take all that I have given her. I wanted to use that money to buy a car for my parents with a cash payment but instead I had to take a load for the car now.She indicated that she wants to have a future with me and wants me to visit her in the UK and do stuff with her.I don't want to end this now and if I do all the effort and all that I have invested will go down the drain. What if she is genuine and it is just the way she is?I am trying to look at all possibilities and not just reacting to this negatively.I need some guidance. Thanks.
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, her ex, her past, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 April 2011):
She's using you. You don't want the relationship to end because you've put so much into it already, but if it continues you will only continue putting more and more into it. She owes her ex 10-15 grand? And you've spent 3000 for her student loans, bought her a very expensive laptop, and paid other expenses for her? Essentially, she's realized that she can get by by making her boyfriend's pay for her life and lifestyle. And on top of that, she doesn't even treat you well. Stop paying for her crap! It's her life, her responsibility. You've only been together for 7 months. And a relationship is not supposed to be a financial investment. You invest time, effort, love, and maybe some money for dates and little gifts, but you are NOT responsible to pay her bills and her debts! She needs to get her act together and manage her own finances. Honestly, I would advise you to break up with her now and cut your losses. But if you really don't want to, stay with her but under no circumstances pay any of her bills! If she comes crying to you about how her phone is going to be disconnected because she didn't pay it, don't give in because she didn't bother saving anything to pay it because she knew she could come crying to you and you would pay it. So chances are she blew her money on clothes or partying. If you don't act with self-respect and prove that she can't play around with you and manipulate you, she will forever treat you like dirt. All she is using you for now is for whatever she needs. If she needs comforting, she wants you to cater to her. If she needs money, she wants you to support her. But when you needed some support when your dad was in the hospital, she was nowhere to be found. Is this really the kind of relationship you want?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 After reading your first post about your girlfriend, you certainly left a lot out didnt you. In regards to the first post this would have been a warning to me that she is keeping you a secret for a reason. Now after your second post I am guessing that she doesnt want her family to know that she owes you money and that she relys on you so much. She has gotten herself in to a big financial mess both with you and her ex. Not to mention the state. It sounds to me like she is selfish and immature and doesnt care whos money she is spending. She still goes out and enjoys herself even though she has all of these debts to pay. You should tell her she needs to get her finances in order and take control of her life. You are not helping by handing her out money all of the time. The more she gets the more she wants.
I really dont see what you get out of this relationship? Ask yourself that question. She seems to be taking you for a fool. She doesnt show you any love. She obviously doesnt care about how you are. She didnt even ask how your dad was or how you were feeling when he was in hospital, this shows that the only person she cares about is herself. Im sure she doesnt have any disorder. I am guessing she has just growing up and has had everything handed to her ona silver plate. She doesnt know how to look after herself or control her spending. She doesnt want to work to provide for herself. She just wants some guy there for her who will give her money and look after her. If you want to be that guy well then that is totally up to you but you better be prepared that you will end up getting yourself in debt over this girl and what do you get out of it exactly?
I really hate to burst your bubble but she doesnt love you and she probably never did. I know that is harsh to hear but you rushed in to this relationship way to quick. It has only been nine months you should still be in the honeymoon period where you are getting to know each other, enjoying each others company and having fun. You rushed in to this relationship way to quick and started giving her money. She is very good at trying to make you feel guilty about your good nature. I am sorry that you have invested so much money on this selfish girl but I really dont see a happy ending.
...............................
|
