A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Quick question: What if the guy you dated was the nicest fellow in the world, educated, intelligent, good looking, treating you amazingly etc but the sex was absolutely HORRIBLE? (some of the difficulties I am talking about can not be fixed, like size or being adequately hard for long) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again thanks. I know what your are saying but it is kind of hard not to be frustrated and not to take it personally even if the brain tells me to. I am still quite frustrated in that department since there has not been any major breakthrough (though he is trying) but things are getting a little better in the tongue/finger department. I also now know he can have a proper erection (he didn't before) so I remain hopeful. All I can do is try. I just wish it wasn't this way. You and everyone else really helped me a lot and I view things a lot calmer now. The problem is still there but at least I have some good suggestions as to what I can do to solve it. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (24 April 2010):
Hmmmm. okay well if you feel attracted and smitten... then could it be you are taking his lack of ability to perform personally? You mention an age difference... if he's older he could be having physical problems that might require medication and is just too ashamed to admit it. You shouldn't take those personally.
Also, it's possible your frustration is what makes you feel suffocated. You don't want to be trapped in an unfulfilling situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot Tigerlily. You seem to have a good grasp of human emotion. What is really confusing is that the physical attraction is there. I think he is really hot (despite the age difference) I could kiss for hours and he's got such a charismatic personality that I think it's fair to say I am pretty much smitten. It is just the act of sex. I have never seen his penis fully erect and the actual lovemaking is very frustrating but I definitely see your point. My reaction and feelings the other day were a bit over the top to be just that. I suddenly just wanted him off me and of course I didn't say anything or indicate my discomfort so he continued and it just felt really awful afterwards and I don't want it to feel like that every time we have sex or I would rather not have sex at all. Maybe I was so impressed by his overall competence that I had higher expectations than I should or maybe as you said my feelings are not as clear as I thought.The good news is that I do not have to make a commitment straight away and maybe dating is precisely so that we can see if we are compatible in the end. I really don't want to lose him at this point but I sure hope things improve and I still welcome any views.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 April 2010):
" I felt suffocated and wanted to cry. It is puzzling me". Hmmm. THIS is not a good sign. Is it possible your HEAD is telling you that he's such great guy you should want him... but in your HEART you don't want him... and not honoring your own feelings is what is making you feel "suffocated"? You've got to listen to your heart or you will never truly be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again a BIG thank you to everyone who took the time to answer this. It really helped put some things in perspective. I feel I may have been superficial about it but I just can't help my feelings when it comes to sex with him. I still don't know why it felt this awful this morning. I felt suffocated and wanted to cry. It is puzzling me. The guy is a real gem and if there is a way to make things better I certainly would like to try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): Of all the attributes you listed sex is one of the easiest things to improve in a relationship the others aren't.
Size can be worked around with proper technique and some pelvic floor muscle exercises on your part.
Insufficient hardness can be solved with pills if necessary.
It all depends on whether you're both willing to be patient and experiment.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (17 April 2010):
Hmmm. Well I guess I'm wondering if you are basing this "horrible" on one instance? Or have you been sleeping with him for a while and this is the report card? If this guy treats you so well then chances are he is probably over the mood for you so if it was your first time he could have been really nervous. It's possible he could get over himself and improve, and then you are golden so I say if it was just once then give him another chance (or two or three). And be honest with him about what you like.
That being said, some people just don't have a good sexual chemistry together. If that winds up being the case with you, and if you are bothered enough to be posting about it here I'd guess that sex is something that's important to you. And honey if the chemistry ain't there then it ain't there. And you will always be feeing like something is missing. Which won't bode well for a long future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both of you for the answers. They really helped. I sure hope you guys are right. Perhaps size is not a big issue but most of the time he is half way flat and not even properly inside and when he is I feel NOTHING at all. I hardly feel him. He tries, I have to give him that but his rhythm is terrible he can't really use his fingers properly and I just want to cry every time :-( I like the foreplay. He makes me feel really special but the actual sex I hate it so much!! I wish I didn't and I don't understand why I hate it so much. Also he is eighteen years older than me could that explain the dysfunction?
Today he sat me down for a long heart to heart as he knew something was bothering me (he is a phsyciatrist) and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I hate sex with him.How could I? Otherwise he is an amazing man. He makes me feel like a queen and he is so mature and stable. We have only started sleeping with each other a month ago (we've been dating for three and a half months) but it is now a real problem for me. It is not even a question of orgasm any longer. He is certainly worth it for me to at least try to resolve that. I really want it to work!
Sorry for the long update
PS NiceGurl, how did you tackle the erectile dysfunction? Please share!
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 How can he be perfect when the sex is horrible?
He is incomplete and only perfect as a gentleman and a provider but not as a Casanova.
There is no perfect man in this world. It depends on your expectations from the man.
For some women, it may not be important while for some ,they will not be satisfied with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010): First off, I know for a fact size does NOT matter. There's a lot of super hung guys out there that have no idea, at all, how to please a woman, in any way..In fact, many small statured men and small-wong guys have really invested thought in how to please women, and many of them have figured it out. A guy can have penis the size of a grain of rice, but he can grind those hips or use that mouth or work those hands to make your every fantasy happen. Trust me. The part you play there is to tell him what you like. And it's true, you have to repeat yourself, so there's that.The erectile dysfunction part is super annoying. My boyfriend's psyche gave him limp dick, no lie, for over three years. Jump over the story of overcoming it, after seeing how I dealt with it, now he'll work that thing on demand. Whether your man's softness starts in his head or is a medical condition, there's a solution for either. When we're all 75 years old and really do look the same with body parts collecting at our hips and knees, and we've spent years paying a mortgage, loving children, being stupid, being smart, blah blah blah, if you have all those descriptors you listed and just a limp dick to complain about and he was loyal and loved you, I say count those blessings baby!!!Look, relationships are a complicated and veeeerry sustained period of negotiation, one item at a time.
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