A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m heartbroken and confused by all of this and appreciate any insight. Please bear with me and my story. I’m 30 and he’s 32. He’s Single. Never married. About 6 months ago, our friendship progressed to us having mutual feelings towards each other. A bit of history - I was his “first crush” in high school, I rejected him and though we lost contact he tracked me down on Facebook a decade later. We have a lot in common, and the chemistry between us is undeniable. He agrees. When we talk on the phone, two hours can easily pass. Upon admitting our feelings, we hung out a few times, flirted and coupled with daily calls and texting (mostly initiated by him). He invited me to his place, and we spent half the day together but we didn’t kiss or have sex. No pressure on his part. However, we were very cuddly and showed closeness by gentle caressing (e.g. arms, hands) and spooning in bed. Basically our relationship got one step closer at that point. But the next day, he didn’t text or call and naturally I panicked. When I texted him seeking clarity about “us” he flipped his position, telling me that he’s not right for me and though he needs someone like me, he’s scared it doesn’t go the other way. A cop out. Naturally, I tried to convince him otherwise but that led to further rejection by him. I felt led on by him, and my heart was broken. I told him to forget about us all together. He never replied.A few weeks later I decided to reach out and text him. He warmly accepted my contact, but it wasn’t “wow” worthy. Infrequent contact mostly initiated by me. Over the coming weeks, he’d admitted to having been thinking about me during the “no contact” period, and he even called me once. It’s as though picked up where we left, however no discussion about what happened between us. I reluctantly invited him to catch up, but that was met by hesitance and uncertainty on his part. Scared of being led on again, I told him I’m not putting up with this and cut contact. I removed him on FB, but a month later he messages me seeking explanation. I said we are not friends, because he lead me on and ghosted me when I was nothing but transparent about my feelings. He adamantly denied it all and refused to accept fault.I moved on and three months go by. Out of the blue I get a text apologizing about how he treated me and that he regrets doing so because he misses me. He claimed remorse on his part, but he didn’t know what to do or say at the time and thought ghosting was the best option. He told me that despite wanting a relationship, he got scared and ran instead. I accepted the apology, and he said he’d like to see me again. I held back because I was scared of being hurt and lead on again so took things slowly. He was hot in pursuit of me, texting regularly and promising me he’d never ghost me again. Before seeing him again, I could tell he was genuinely trying to impress me (sending me selfies, telling me he misses seeing me, that he’s heartbroken because he ruined things between us and he won’t get a second chance - even bringing up things I’d told him in the past as conversation starters). He was persistent in seeing me again and I finally relented.Suggesting we meet up on the weekend, he invited me to dinner. I didn’t view this as a date but he insisted on picking me up and paying my share. I could tell we were equally nervous, but we playfully flirted and enjoyed the night. If I’m being honest - he was more dressed up than I was, wearing cologne, cleaned his car and acting chivalrous. At the end of the night, we hugged goodbye - a lingering, tight hug and again he said he’d missed me. I reciprocated and we ended up having the most magical kiss. Not just a kiss, but a passionate embrace. He asked me “what is this” and I told him to come inside my share home. We ended up kissing and cuddling for a few hours. No sex, though we both wanted to! He was initiating the kissing more than me, kissing my neck and ear, cradling my face, stroking it whilst exploring my body without touching private areas. He pulled our bodies close at every opportunity. He admitted he really liked me, as I did him and leaned towards us having a relationship but I was scared of getting hurt and hesitant. Prior to him leaving, we kept kissing and he invited me to sleep over at his place without the expectation of sex. I declined, but he hugged me and kissed me on the forehead in addition to locking lips. He texted me the next day asking how I am. The discussion was benign but again progressed to me clarifying where we are going. That moment he changed his stance - AGAIN, the same as last time. He became cold and told me he’s unsure because of my apparent hesitation. I gave him reassurance of my feelings but he was hot and cold for a week, didn’t call and ignored my texts. Eventually he texted me to say that as much as he wants a relationship with me, he can’t be in one. I’m too good for him and he’s not deserving blah blah blah. I resisted responding emotionally and told him he’s right because he obviously needs some space. I want him to be happy and I need someone who is wanting the same as me. He didn’t respond. It’s been several days since and again he’s ghosted me, despite promising he never would. I’m confused, heartbroken and if he thought I was “too good” for him, why did he bother coming back? I would’ve thought all these issues were resolved during the no contact period. I don’t get it. He’s basically followed the same pattern as last time to have the same outcome. What’s the point? I do love him though. Does he have feelings for me?
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crush, facebook, flirt, heartbroken, kissing, needs some space, period, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 January 2018):
 Honestly it sounds like you are more in to him than the other way around. He may have told you what he thought you wanted to hear, but I still think he was using you to try and have sex. Maybe it is a case off he likes the chase, either way he has done this twice now so surely you won't allow it to happen a third time.
Next time you meet someone slow things down and just spend time dating and getting to know them, rushing things can scare people away.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2018):
 1. I think you tried a LITTLE to hard a LITTLE too soon.
The whole "what are we?" after a few dates and a cuddle - it comes off quite pushy and desperate. IMO
The more you PUSHED the more he retreated. And I don't blame him (at least not in the beginning)
You SHOULD have left it well enough alone when he FIRST told you that he wasn't feeling he was worthy of you. A guy who says that? Obviously doesn't have the confidence or inclination to date women who knows what they want.
But you didn't leave it alone, you pushed some more, and the more you pushed the more he felt cornered. My guess is he was HOPING you would be that girl from HS who rejected him, the girl he had had a crush on and worshiped. He was HOPING for that fantasy of the girl who had rejected him was the one for him.
He obviously have some issues, which might ALSO be why he reached out to you SO MUCH time after this crush in HS.
He liked the idea of you two but I don't think he actually has a lot to offer (at least emotionally) and I think YOU pushed WAY too hard to make this an instant relationship.
Honey, HE was a STRANGER when he got back in touch and YOU were a STRANGER to him. What happened over a decade ago is really not important, you should both have matured a bit and grown since HS. The thing is YOU presumed that because he had a crush on you back then making "whatever was going on" into a fully fledged relationship would be easy. It's not. It's not instant noodles in a cup.
You STILL have to take the time getting to know a person, finding things you have in common, sharing things and figuring out if that person is a good match. Presuming that because he had a crush on you in HS it would work out 10-15 years later is.. well, a little naive.
He also doesn't REALLY seem to know what he wants. He was SMART enough to keep sex out of it until later. He could EASILY had had sex with you to "check off" some teenage fantasy, but he didn't.
BLOCK him, DELETE his number and move on.
If a guy is THIS unsure and doesn't know if he wants to at least date and TRY and see if there is a future here - then he REALLY isn't interested IN you.
But I don't think you can lay the "fault" entirely at his feet. I think you NEED to slow down, WAY DOWN, when meeting a guy who sparks something in you. Keep the PHYSICAL intimacy at bay JUST a little - I can see kissing and a hug is fine while you get to know someone but hours of cuddling? Nah, that is for a PARTNER not for someone you BARELY know.
Relax.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 January 2018):
 What rubbish! Can you say no to something that you genuinely feel is "too good" and could be yours?
What he's saying is just a cop out. He's not into you and is just playing games. For whatever reason, he's enjoying leading you on and then dumping you. He has absolutely no feelings for you because this is not how you treat someone you love or even like! Stop wasting time on him and don't entertain him ever again. Block his number, block him on social media and don't allow him to contact you in any way.
How you can love someone who is like this is frankly beyond me. I'm not sure you even realise the value of the word "love" or you certainly woudn't be using it on this flake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): My gut feeling when I read your post is that this guy has a girlfriend. She's either away a lot or they are in a long distance relationship. This guy wants some physical love and affection when his girl isn't around, but he won't have sex with you because he views that as cheating. He also won't committ to a relationship with you because his girlfriend will somehow find out when she returns/visits.
I say stay away from him.. he's using you.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (21 January 2018):
I not even sure he knows. What you do know is that he consistently does the opposite if what he says, draws you in then pushes you away and is generally inconsistent.
Why in God's name would you want to put yourself into a relationship with someone who does this? It's like returning to someone who promises not to hit you with the stick in their hand,who then hits you again,and again. Ignore the words coming out of his mouth and look at his actions.
If you are interested you could look into what kind of attachment disorders cause behaviour like this but honestly I wouldn't spend another minute thinking about this guy. He's broken in some way and you don't want to be the one to fix it.
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