A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years we had a perfect relationship but then he got addicted to drugs.I had to become more of a mom figure to him.Then a girl friend due to everything he was getting himself into. But through it all I stuck by his side and by all I mean him going in to rehab after rehab, lying, stealing, practically overdosing, relapsing over and over again. This went on for a whole year and I was the only one who stayed by his side. He has cleaned him self up and our relationship started to get back to normal but then he cheated on me.I was so hurt but took him back.We now have been perfect for the last 6 months and we moved in together 2 months ago and ever since the cheating thing I have been really controlling and look through his stuff. But wouldn't any girl who has been cheated on do that?The trust just isn't there. Me not being able to trust him is getting to him and he tells me the other night maybe we just been together for so long. Straight through, maybe it be good to take a break?I was so sick to my stomach didn't sleep all night.The next day he was all lovey dovey and I had no idea what was wrong with me.I told him don't you remember what you said last night and he's like, "don't take that to heart I love you, I was just saying sometimes I feel like I need my space but then when I'm not with you for a couple days I miss you and want to be with you like crazy. Don't get so upset I don't not want to be with you I was just telling you how I feel"I don't know how to take this at all I'm so hurt I don't no how he could say this after every time I stayed by his side. What do I do?
View related questions:
a break, cheated on me, drugs, I love you, moved in Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2013): All I can tell you is what I would do and here it is: as much as there is love in this relationship, there isnt trust and what is a relationship without trust? You tried your best and cannot forget about what happened (understandably so). Imagine your future with him right now. Can you honestly see yourself snooping through his stuff for the rest of your life? Dont get me wrong, I would snoop as well but then id realize theres no point in staying with someone I cannot trust. Maybe you are thinking that you will trust him again. I hope so but what if he changes jobs and there is a new hot chick at his work, then the worrying will start all over again because he cheated on you. There are many things lacking in your relationship: Trust, faithfulness, being carefree, respect. Now you have to ask yourself if you are willing to throw these things out the window or do you want this and if you want this, then go find it with a man who deserves you. :)Best of luck! Im keeping my fingers crossed for you. I know how hard and heartbreaking relationships can be.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (26 April 2013):
You tried to help him - it didnt work. Sorry to be so blunt, but he is a loser, and you need to put as much distance between you and him before he drags you down into his crap. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Dont throw it away on a loser, you will regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 April 2013):
 You're not happy in this relationship. You've been hurt over and over, you've been a co-addicted since he was on drugs, and he cheated on you as well. You've been through so much with him, so much which NO ONE asked you to do. Don't think you get any gold medals for that. Most people left his side and they had GOOD REASON. You had more reason than others, yet for some reason you decided to stay. And then it comes and bites you in the butt, with his thank you being cheating on you.
And still, you're there, spending your time and energy on him. He takes and takes, and doesn't give back, yet for whatever reason you keep diving into this mess.
Why?
It will not help him. It didn't help him that you stood by his side, he would have been able to get through things on his own. In fact he had to do it on his own, he wouldn't recover if it wasn't what HE himself wanted, and no one can help the one who doesn't want to help himself. No, you didn't stay for his sake. You stayed for your own. And I wonder what reasons you had.
You need to take a serious look at these reasons. Reasons for why you stayed even though it was a mistake. Why you took him back when he cheated. Cheating means he couldn't care less about you. Cheating means the relationship is over... yet you clung to him so desperately. And I wonder why. Because he, on the other hand, doesn't have the same desperate need to be with you, as he has shown over and over.
In my unprofessional opinion, I think you suffer from some form of co-dependency. You're so scared of being abandoned, and so dependent on this man, that you are willing to go through basically ANYTHING as long as you're not alone. It doesn't matter what he does, it barely matters who he is, and it definitely doesn't matter if the relationship is a good one or if there is love, respect, honesty or anything. You're happy as long as he doesn't leave you.
Why?
You need to seriously think about this. It might be that thinks are good now and again. But things would also be good now and again with every other male on earth. Why are you so reluctant to let go, what are you so scared of? Why are you afraid to be single?
"I don't know how to take this at all I'm so hurt I don't no how he could say this after every time I stayed by his side." He doesn't owe you anything. It doesn't work like that. You don't get love back by loving with all your heart and you don't get people to stick by YOU just because You stick by them. That's not how it works. You get a man to stick by you when HE HIMSELF wants to stick by you. This man doesn't, no matter HOW MUCH you stick to him. He still doesn't owe it to you to stick by you, to love you, to respect you or honour you or anything. He owes you nada. So if you only give and stay because you want something in return you need to stop wasting your time, because that's not how it works.
I think you ought to try being single for some time and realize that it's not the end of the world, and it's actually better than a bad relationship. Take care of yourself, because the only one who's got your back is YOU.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 April 2013):
 Isn't THIS one of those instances wherein a woman really HAS "invested" in her relationship...... but that "investment" just has no "return"??????
I think you need to give serious thought to simply reconciling that this guy is not going to get "better".... and is never going to be the boyfriend" who you crave... AND who you thought he was becoming under your direction...
Chalk this up as a very emotionally-expensive experience... and one that you will be sure to avoid in the future... .then, get away from him and get on with your life....
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2013): After what you did for him I understand why you would do it. Trust is the number one deal breaker with couples. It appears that he has broken it. He feels you are over reacting, you feel different. Are you right? Not totally. Are you wrong? Not totally. You call the shots. You make a informed decision. Remember once a cheater always a cheater. Its like being hooked on drugs. Take the idiot on the break deal and hit the road. You need your sleep at night. Its not your fault so don't beat yourself up. You deserve a medal for all you did. All you got was a limp excuse and a man that went and dipped his wick in some strange women. LOL.... Honey, wake up and smell the roses. Get out of this mess before you have a break down and need psychological counselling yourself. I have many men friends from school that would be more than willing to cherish,love and respect a women as yourself. And yes want a monogamous relationship with a great women as yourself. Move the hell on as of yesterday. Enough is enough....Good-luck...
...............................
|
