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male
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*minus
writes: HelloJust looking for some realistic and professional advice to my problem. If you can provide me with a solution(s) then it will be very much appreciated, thank you.I am a 41 year old male. My situation is very unique and complex to me but probably not to you. Here goes. Keep in mind this first paragraph is written in detail to establish a noticeable behavioral pattern change in the months following.I met a very attractive woman back in May of this year and we clicked within the first few minutes of chatting. She got close to me, she touched me several times, and our body chemistry was strong. I took her out to lunch a week later and the magic had heightened, although during lunch I noticed a tremendous amount of pain when our eyes locked briefly, IM not psychic, it was just a strong feeling I got when it happened. We had met again the week after where I casually and sympathetically confronted her on this and she confessed to a very difficult past. She had told me of her first abusive husband and how he beat her on their wedding night. The abuse was constant for a year until she lost their first child due to his physical abuse. (Evil BASTARD!) Her second marriage gave her 2 boys but a neglectful and emotionally abusive husband, which lasted about 18 years.As our communication grew I would write her uplifting and positive letters to build her self-esteem and told her I would support her and care for her to the best of my abilities. She would tell me I was Heaven sent, and that no one has ever taken an emotional interest in her, in her entire life! She almost made it sound like it was too good to be true.Weekends would come and she’d fall silent, and then with a little coaxing via text messaging she would reply with "IM having a bad weekend". This happened every weekend with problems from a troubled younger sister, family and work issues to a problematic teenage son, to complaining about living in the basement of her parents in a small room…she’s 44yrs young so she feels like a total failure. I would reply with a positive letter about her living arrangements and situation and try to turn it around. I became her 24/7 pillar of hope and strength where I would check up on her periodically to keep her in check...maybe a bit too much attention given in hindsight.By July we had met a few more times where we finally kissed and held hands at which point I was starting to feel something occur within me. She sent me an e-mail which triggered the "Love mechanism" in my heart, she also had professed her love for me at this point. The e-mail read, "You are truly heaven sent and I appreciate all your efforts to help me through this fiasco I’ve been going through for quite sometime". "I’m sorry I’m such high maintenance and you’ve probably exhausted all your efforts and ideas and that makes me feel awful." I've said it before...you are heaven sent. Would it scare you if I said that I think I need you. I'm not clingy, or a pain in the butt (at least I hope not) but I really do need you. You satisfy me emotionally and I love your company, your voice and that fabulous smile of yours. Look who's the whole package now!!! My heart fell for her after reading that e-mail.By august phone communication was becoming inexplicably lessened and I felt uneasy. By the end of August I sent her a dozen roses and she was floored. She kept telling me she cannot believe any one could be this amazing. I followed this up a week later by telling her I am writing a song ‘for her’, ‘about her’ with a positive message in the lyrics. She replied to my text message re: the song in tears stating she cant wait to have it so that she could listen to it often. When the song was completed a few weeks later she instantly fell in love with it and told me it was her favorite song, and that she loved my voice next to the song that most reminded her of me originally, "You’ve got a friend" by James Taylor. ("Winter, spring, summer or fall. All you got to do is call".)September became the month where I found myself trying to regain her attention even though I had wowed her with a song of which she kept telling me she felt so grateful and honored. In one of her texts sent to me Sept. 22 regarding her song she wrote, "You are so amazing! WOW! What a beautiful person! You really know how to reach within ones innermost being and awaken certain emotions. Thank you so much." The month of October became a struggle where I felt maybe she was pushing me away but then she would throw me off when I would leave her office and she would stand at the front door like a wife seeing her husband off to work with a tender wave of the hand (that happened on October 20th. )I started to hint in my e-mails and texts if she still wanted me around but with her signature silence no response was ever given, it was ignored.I finally text her on October 22nd again but this time more forward and direct….I got my answer. She told me although her feelings for me were genuine back in the summer she is not feeling them right now at the moment. Here’s the kicker. She told me she must have been on the rebound with me and that her interest ‘may’ still lie with a ‘friend’ in the not too distant past, and only time will tell if she feels something there for him. My heart was torn. She proceeded to say that for now relationships are not on her agenda due to the many issues that surround her life; "too much on my plate" was her exact words. She wrote that she has asked others to stay away and she "MAY" have to ask the same of me. She never officially did ask me to stay away but as a gentleman I responded with a favorable message stating that I hope this man is a kind and compassionate man for she deserves nothing less. I gave her my blessing. I have not contacted her since out of respect for what I believe was her wish. Like anyone who has loved then lost I feel an overwhelming emptiness and sadness I never felt before. The unrelentless efforts, time and patience I put into this relationship and her alone I just don’t understand it all. It makes no sense to me.I just know that I ‘LOVE’ her dearly (emotional baggage and all) and I need to win her back.Key notes:-she has expressed she hates her life, her problems and what she’s become-she is always tired and under a lot of stress-She once told me she trusts no one, not even certain family members.-she does not have many girlfriends because she does not trust women…they gossip too much she says.-her oldest son just 2 weeks ago in front of me told his mom if he ever find out your seeing someone I’ll kick his ass and yours. He believes his parents should reconcile. (our relationship was private, no one knew).-her replies to my texts became very formal rather than personal-I admit I may have smothered her with far too much attention.-I barely gave her space to sort things out on her own-I tried too hard-she was emotionally distressed before I met her. Please, what have I done wrong?Can it be corrected?Kind Regards
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Luvjns +, writes (5 November 2006):
It sounds to me that this woman is clinically depressed and needs to go see her doctor. I am not a doctor, but I know all the signs and she has them. Maybe you can suggest this to her is a not so threatening way. Let her know you are there for her. Realize she can't make any one happy until she is happy with herself first. That seems to be something she needs to work on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2006): You did nothing wrong, your beloved suffers from chronic depression due to her past life.
She may have pushed you away as she is scared and confused.
Giver her some time and space, then perhaps try to make contact as a friend. Depressed people sometimes avoid pressure at any cost.
If she has really changed her mind then you deserve someone as devoted as you.
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A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 I think you are really nice and that any lady would love to have such attention and patience from her couple but you must also understand she needs time and maybe she doesn't feel like having a relationship now you shpuld wait a bit for new contact but maybe it will work in the near future
good luck
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 Hi tminus
I agree with the other readers personally you did something wrong but on the other hand it was a good thing you gave her so much attention u had built ur emotions and everything around her that u focussed on making her forget her troubles but she cant forget and this is not your fault or hers either, I think the attention was too good to be true given her choice in men and later realised being overwhelmed by ur goodness she thought either she doesnt deserve someone so understanding, so mature and so loving like you or she is not ready for a relationship probably bcos she is still trying to put her life together.
One thing u must understand is that abused women 99.9 percent blames themselves they think they deserved whatever bad thing was coming to them until they can stand up by themselves and face their demons they dont see themselves as people who deserve better and probably she is one of the above and told herself in order not to hurt you like she hurt other men it is better to leave you unhurt. Broer u still have a long way to go if this is the case, give her as much space as u can maybe u can text her sometimes just to show her u havent forgotten about her, be casual no emotions or songs involved and make no mistake dont do it often it might make her feel like she is being stalked and she will think oopsie I have met another psycho.
Maybe reaching out this way might calm her and u guys can sort this thing out as I dont think she will call unless she had forgiven herself.
The challenge is as difficult as it is dont pity her as she will think u are loving her out of pity if u know what I mean.
Hope this helps keep us updated
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): Well I think that she probably is very fond of you. But what I can gather she probably feels overwhelmed by her current circumstances and maybe is afraid to make a full commitment to you. She could also be feeling depressed at the moment,it is the run up to Christmas and maybe she has financial problems.It's not easy being a single parent this time of year. I would give her a few weeks, give her some space and she will probably miss you. You could give it another try later and suggest you meet up for a meal a sort of Christmas get together. Just be patient.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (31 October 2006):
 I agree with the other answer pretty much. The thing is you have done nothing particularly wrong, in fact you have done everything right as far as I can see and I can say from having been in similar positions that it does hurt. What hurts most of all is that there is absoloutely nothing you can do to change things because you have done everything that you can do already.
All you can do is give this lady some space and hope that in your absence, so to speak, she remembers her feelings for you and appreciates what you had all the more. If you dont give her that space then you will suffocate those feelings. Hold your head high in the knowledge you did what was right and if it doesnt work out it simply wasnt meant to be, you can also be proud that if it doesnt you have helped somebody you care about dearly onto a path of happiness..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): OK,
I think the important thing to remember is that this lady that you love very dearly has been through a hell of alot, and although she was very greatful and honored by your affections and attention its hard to tell what exactly is going through her mind.
She has had to deal with very serious and life shaking dilemas and maybe as a result she decided to shut men out for the time being. It sounds to me as though she isnt really sure what she wants at the moment and getting into a relationship soon after splitting form her last husband may have made things more complicated.
I dont think that you have done anything wrong at all, I know that any Woman in this world would have loved the things you did for this lucky lady.
I think the best thing for you to do now is give your lady friend the space she wants, as you are doing now.
And if in time she comes back to you having had time to clear her head and get her life in order, then that would be brilliant.
But I think you also need to come round to the idea that she may never come back, try to look at this positively if you can. If you had not of met this woman at all then you would never have experienced the love that you described in your plea for help, that alone is a massive thing for anyone to experience, you really are a lucky man.
To have the guts and strength not to see admitting love as a weakness, many younger men could learn a thing or 2 from you!.
I know you wanted to get some clarity but the sad thing is as you have learned love hurts and its not always easy but as the saying goes "tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".
Keep your head up and try to find comfort in teh fact that you are an amazing person.
look after yourself
X
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