A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Since I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, I started dating and the situation is that guys that I meet only want sex immediately. I hardly have any dates though I give my phone number. I don't understand what changed during these 4 years. True, I meet some of them in a bar, not a perfect place to find dates, but not always. Sometimes in a coffee shop, stores, different places. Even if through friends they start sexual advances very fast, and when they get a no, they don't show any effort to get to know me. I try to not take it personally, but for the past 3 months this all I get,so I kind of starting thinking may its me??
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): To 'anonymous female'...you do realize more than 50% of all marriages end in divorce? And you do realize you don't need to be married to have a family? Or a child? Marriage is nothing more than a concept of religion that has outlived its time in this day & age. It's irrelevant. Biology & science is all that matters, whether you agree with it or not.
Have you ever heard of Bateman's principle? Here's a quick overview:
"Typically it is the females who have a relatively larger investment in producing each offspring. Bateman attributed the origin of the unequal investment to the differences in the production of gametes: sperm are cheaper than eggs. A single male can easily fertilize all female's eggs: she will not produce more offspring by mating with more than one male. A male is capable of fathering more offspring if he mates with several females. By and large, a male's potential reproductive success is limited by the number of females he mates with, whereas a female's potential reproductive success is limited by how many eggs she can produce. This results in sexual selection, in which males compete with each other, and females become choosy in which males to mate with. As a result of being anisogamous, males are fundamentally promiscuous, and females are fundamentally selective."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Reformed nice guy , may be you were not that nice after all? So, you basically recommend women to find a guy who was rejected always by women, and this is the only choice for women? Because according to you , no man ever wants to have a family and just want to browse through life having sex here and there? For sure sex is much easier to have now, but it doesn't change the fact that people still get married, and have families. If the only thing men are ever interested in is sex, then why to get married? Sex is so widely available then why people still have relationships? Op, I think you need to be more patient, and stop meeting guys in bars. This is definitely not a good choice. Other places are fine, but may be try online a bit. And patience. The guy is out here.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (20 February 2015):
OP I'm in the exact same situation as you and it is hard to keep positive. So many men I meet these days are only interested in their own needs, and are very upfront about that from the first date in my experience (as in I want something physical only so don't get attached!) I've been trying to get over it by looking around at some of the relationships my friends and family are in, as those are proof that there are men out there who want to create a life and a family with a woman. They may not be revealing themselves much, but they do exist and they can't all be taken!Finally, just a quick point to the reformed nice guy. I (and most women I know) don't want to be treated like a delicate flower or put on a pedestal. Nor do I want to be used for sex then dumped. Most women are looking for the middle ground, where two people love and respect each other and enjoy a healthy friendship and sex life. I've had it before (he moved abroad), and I believe it can happen again. Maybe if you strive for that too you might have better luck?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): You want the cold, hard truth? Most men aren't really interested in relationships or even dating - we want sex, plain & simple. It's in our DNA. Most women, on the other hand, want relationships & since women are the gate-keepers to sex, men pretend for the most part to 'want relationships' as well & go along with dating. And this has been the case for most of history - men have had to 'court' women. Fortunately, sex is much easier to attain nowadays. Why? Could be a number of reasons, really: change in sexual attitudes & culture in North America, sexual empowerment among women, better contraceptives, rise in feminism, fall of organized religion etc. Whatever the reason, this is the way things works nowadays.
Your best bet? Find a 'nice-guy' who likely has been passed on by women most of his life, treat him right & he'll appreciate you like no other man has. The problem? Most 'nice-guys' over the age of 25 have smartened up over the last 5 years or so (I'm not kidding) and are a dying breed. By 'smartened up', I mean they've come to recognize that respecting women, treating women like delicate flowers, and putting women on top of pedestals gets them nowhere. And this is frustrating beyond belief, especially when peers, who by all accounts are not 'worthy' mates (mentally, emotionally, financially etc.), get all the attention from women.
Just my two cents. Good luck in your search - keep your wits about you so you don't get played or used (stay out of the bars, lounges, and clubs).
Cheers!
Reformed Nice-Guy
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Thank you all for your answers. Maleanon., I am not talking about waiting forever for me to see if I like them or not, but first date, or the same night? It's seems like all guys are looking for is a quick sex, and then everyone is going their own way. Basically what it comes down to that no one is looking for a relationship anymore? Only sex here and there. " men don't mind staying single if they can get sex anyway". Well, it's a very sad life to be alone and not having someone to share your life with. I am not looking for really young guys also, I am not talking about meeting guys in their early 20s or even 20s at all.,I am in my late 20s, most guys who come up to me are in their 30s. You would think they have more on their mind than just a hook up here and there.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): I'll tell you exactly where all the guys willing to wait and get to know women went. Women have a special term for them. What was it again? Oh yeah, friends. Most (I'm not claiming all) women find guys like that boring.
One of two things happens after that. They turn into one of those pushy guys because, after all, that's who they see women choosing while they are getting to know them. Or they just stop trying.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): No its not you. It's the single scene at your age. The pushy aggressive slutty guys are still like that. One of these guys will hit on almost every woman in the room. That makes these guys *APPEAR TO BE* much, much more common than they really are. Its always been that way.And the "nice guys" who used to wait? They have just wised up. They have figured out that women usually don't hold it against a guy for pushing quicker, and playing a "friend" only gets them Friend Zoned. A lot of times a woman will have sex with a guy quicker when he pushes. And even a woman who insists on waiting usually will not hold it against him for pushing early, as long as he stays interested while he waits. So for guys there is no downside for pushing, only a lot of possible downsides for taking it slower. This was always true even when you were younger. But now even the guys who tried to be gentlemen back in school have finally learned these lessons the hard way. (And the sooner the better. The longer a "nice guy" takes to learn these truths, the more bitter towards women he usually is.)It sucks for you, a woman who really does want to take it slow. But guys are just learning what the majority of women respond to.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2015):
 It's NOT you.
Like CMMP said, a LOT of guy are JUST fine being single if they can get some sex on the side. WHY do you think FWB is such a common thing today? It's not really a great idea for MOST women (some it works for, most it doesn't) - YET there are plenty of women out there NAIVE enough to think that IF they "put out" the guy will WANT to be with her. And there are plenty of guys who have figured out that FWB is JUST GREAT! because they can get sex, pretend they care, get a little GF experience (like call text the F-buddy or hang out with them) - but the moment the girl wants more? She is easily replaced.
My advice? Don't give up. BUT nip it in the bud, the first time someone starts getting sexual and you don't KNOW them from Adam, put them in the NOPE pile. don't waste any more time on them.
Secondly, maybe try a dating site? I'd personally go with one of the bigger and more established ones, not POF or Tindr - because those seem to have a LOT of " just looking for hook up" kind of guys. NOW... you might find those on the more "Serious" dating sites, but I also think you have a bigger selection (dating pool) to pick from.
Don't settle for something you don't want. (or need).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): I'll re-iterate the first advice - be patient. The guys who will appreciate you will probably take more time to be brave enough to ask for your number. The guys who can, after one glance at you in a coffee shop have the balls to get your number are well practised and often after the quick thrill.
Be patient, you'll find someone decent it just doesn't happen instantly. Take time to enjoy being responsible only for yourself! Start some new hobbies or join classes, groups etc...you might have an interest in, it's another way to meet people in a social setting outside of bars.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015): Welcome to the game!No,is not you. I'm kinda in a similar situation (not exactly as unlike you,I'm not looking for a relationship.Was with previous partner for too long.Need some "me" time).As you are also coming out of a committed relationship and same age range-all I can say is: the game HAS truly changed!I think it has something to do with the current obsession of always being available-e.g. nowadays.Basically companies here (UK) give out Iphones and tablets out to their employees en masse.The downside? And the little catch that nobody mentions? You are basically expected to be available 24/7. It is the UNSPOKEN rule.It's not official. It's not in the regulations etc. but it certainly is expected. At my previous job, I kinda got into trouble (not exactly,but I certainly got told off) for not replying to e-mails on the same day. A-L-W-A-Y-S.I actually had a job to do that was impossible to get done if I were to refresh my inbox every 20 sec... And I stopped replying to e-mails after 5pm (official working hours) and left whatever was non-urgent to reply to on the next day. This is what I got in trouble for. My manager, bless her, was replying to e-mails till 11pm,every day,even on her days off (Sat and Sun included!). I feel that this attitude has moved on to the dating scene as well. So,SO MANY people expect you to reply to their texts IMMEDIATELY and if you don't (or don't do it within a certain time frame, usually very short) its is INTERPRETED as = "oh, he/she must not be interested then. Well,I have to move on".Thus, plus increased availability (dating apps etc. etc.-imagine it like being on a shelf in a supermarket. You have Himalayan salt, Rock salt, Table Salt, Mediterranean Flower salt, Black pepper and lemon salt etc. etc. So you pick Sea Salt,but you keep thinking "What if Himalayan salt is actually better for me/my health than Sea Salt?" Then you grab the Himalayan salt and return the Sea Salt. 10-15min later, you are thinking "Aha,but what if Black pepper and lemon Salt is even better for me/my health than Himalayan Salt?")You get the drift. There is TOO MUCH CHOICE. Yes, there is such a thing as too much choice. It makes the possibilities seem ENDLESS which of course is not true, but if there are not even looking for a serious relationship, then they'll just quickly move on to the next one willing/looking for what they want to do. And of course, as long as they skip, they'll eventually fall onto somebody who does.So the more dates = higher chance for sex.It's all about probabilities and increasing chances. The more people you meet=the more chance there is that some of them might want/agree to just casual sex.All of this, combined with the increased number of PUA (seriously, we have an abbreviation for this nowadays!What does that tell ya?), the new technique (whatever it was called- the one openly offending women,hoping that they will wanna prove you wrong ad sleep with you. yes, my reaction to this was WTF too) and the ridiculous popularity of books such as "The Game", what do you expect?There is simply increased sexualization (even of children,which I find the most disturbing part tbf. Which 5 year old girl needs a bra?Or heels?), but you get my drift.I almost feel like there is a subtle,but firm cultural change happening in our generation re:sex. I'm not sure whether I like it or not.In conclusion: there is nothing wrong with you. We just seem to be living in an increasingly commercialised/sexualised age.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 February 2015):
Maybe you're too sexy for your own good. Just kidding, anyways....
I'll let you in on a secret. Most guys are happy being single if they are getting laid. You've just happened to run into a lot of those guys, but the ones who want more are out there and looking for you. Just be patient.
...............................
|
