A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend, of 2.5 years, a week ago today. I'm struggling to even make it through the day. I'm truly heartbroken. He was the first man I'd ever fallen in love with. He's 34 and I'm 30. The reason I broke it off was because after having problems for quite some time I felt like he kept pushing me to do so. I felt like he wanted out of the relationship but didn't want to be the one to do it, therefore forcing me to do the dirty work. We tried talking out our problems but nothing ever got resolved. It's been a week today and I'm miserable. I'm still so in love with him. I can't eat, sleep, I'm damaged. If he really wanted to get ahold of me, there's a couple ways he could do it but he hasn't. I still find myself checking up on him which I know slows the healing process but I'm in misery. I'd rather take a beating than what I'm going through right now. What goes through a man's mind after a breakup? Can they really feel nothing and just get over it so easily after 2.5 years together? I don't know what he's thinking, or feeling, but I don't see him being as miserable as I am. Please be kind, 'cause I'm really hurting right now. He was my world, he meant everything to me. :( /3
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 DO NOT read anything into him contacting your brother.
you will heal and yes if he manipulated you into ending it then he's happy it's over and he's not missing you like you miss him...
but you are correct one day at a time and you will heal.
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Men feel bad too following a break up.
However, this is the same scenario as when a woman wants out and instead of telling her boyfriend, she drives/pushes him to doing the dirty work for her.
He then dumps her and yet she seems to not care. Why? Because her interest in him is so low (it's in the pits and she now resents him!) she's already indifferent to him BEFORE he dumps her. Meanwhile, after dumping her, knowing he had no choice, he's sat there crying into his beer with his mates while she's off enjoying herself with a feeling of relief it's finally over.
This is the only time it won't hurt for a man too. If his interest in the woman is so low he is past caring and just wants it to end. When she ends it he's already over it.
Sounds to me like this is what happened here. He already wanted out BEFORE you dumped him. This is why he doesn't seem to care or seems to have felt nothing and gotten over it so quickly.
The fact he is in contact with your brother is nothing to do with you really. You're brother should either tell him to go away or continue to be friendly. I'm still friends with my ex-girlfirends 2 brothers and cousin and we go out for beers or down the gym all the time. She moved on and so did I. She now lives far away. My seeing them has nothing to do with her.
My advice is get it all out of your system. With time you'll start to forget about him and move on. Right now everything is really raw. You'll be checking things and scanning places when you go out to see if he's there. After time this becomes less and less frequent.
As So_Very_Confused put it; "some men grieve the loss of a relationship they didn't want to lose as much as women do". However, in this case it's the other way around. He didn't want the relationship anymore, he didn't want it as much as you did, which is why you're the one hurting and he isn't.
The fact this guy let you do the dirty work shows he's a wimp. Any REAL man would've just left and not strung you along torturing you by pushing you away until you had no choice. This "tactic" is much more common from women.
With time you'll get over it and get out there and meet someone right, who's not a wimp, that wants to be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe funny thing about it is they aren't even friends. They don't hang out, text one another nor do anything "friend" related. The last contact they had was at the beginning of January. My brother isn't really fond of my ex, either. My brother replied back and said "yea i might come up there sometime" and my ex never said anything back. I can't but think he did it in hopes of my brother telling me so it'll show that my ex is doing fine. Idk, though. Thanks for the replies everyone!! One day at a time I guess.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 February 2013):
 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all that. Just know that it will get better. It always gets better in time. Men don't just not care. Trust me, he's feeling it, too. They just handle things differently. They tend to keep their emotions inside to the outside world. I understand this because its how I behave, myself. For example, I had a breakup with someone recently, and everyone was shocked at how "well I was taking it." I was still laughing and joking and carrying on like my normal self, while inside I felt like I was dying. This is how men tend to behave. Their emotions are not as open as ours. Stay strong and you will get through this. If anything, use his seemingly lack of caring as a means to move on. Look back in a month and see how much better you feel already. :) head up!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Your ex sending your brother a message on facebook means nothing and has nothing to do with you. You feel awful because everything that reminds you of him hurts you, but instead of thinking he does things to intentionally hurt you you should rather avoid reading such messages. Don't go reading stuff on facebook when it hurts so much to see messages he's sent people.
The message he sent to your brother had nothing to do with you. There is no such law that says an ex can not talk to people that YOU happened to know first. Yes, it's your brother, but your ex wasn't in a relationship with your brother, and can speak to your brother all he wants. It is not done to upset you, but obviously they have met each other through the relationship and there really is no harm in being civil. It is childish to cut out all contact with everyone you ever met if your ex happened to know them first.
Let your brother and your ex exchange civil and polite messages on facebook, just stop reading the messages when you know how much it will hurt you. In fact, don't go on facebook at all, because everything your ex does on facebook is going to make you feel hurt. Even though there is no intention to hurt you.. It's just you who are hurt and read so much into things right now.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Sorry you're going through this. I know the feeling of breaking up with someone you love. It's happened to me twice. I had to meet up with both guys afterwards to exchange things.
The first guy, my first love, was crying as much as me (almost); we were in a public place and it was awful (though not sure why he was crying because he'd actually left me for someone else).
The second guy, we broke up while we still loved each other and I couldn't understand why he could be so matter of fact while I was bawling my eyes out (not in public thankfully) and I asked him, don't you feel anything? He said of course he does but it wouldn't help if we were both in floods of tears. I suppose he was right. It wouldn't have helped, and he was of a background and culture where men don't really show emotions.
I'm sure your ex feels just as bad as you do but he doesn't want to show it to you. Also, because you broke it off with him (even though it was 'for' him), he's going to want to show some pride and not weep for you.
I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. You're not on your own x
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2013):
He's feeling just as miserable as you, I believe, although everyone reacts differently. He probably acts out his misery in a different way than you, but that doesn't mean he's not suffering too. Men have emotions just like women, they just show them in different ways. But I actually think that men are more determined in their feelings than women are. Or, that's my thoughts anyway, no scientific proof. I believe that either they love someone with all they have, or they don't. Whereas women might love him less or more depending on her mood that particular day, but on an overall basis love him. So I believe that while we women fluctuate more (also depending on where we are in our cycle), when are more constant in their feelings. This means, whereas you have days where you feel worse, you will also have days where you feel better, and then you'll feel worse again etc. But he probably will feel terrible constantly, for a long time. Some days his feelings will then be lighter than yours, but sometimes heaver than yours.
Another thing is, while women cry and seek comfort from friends, men tend to take this in silence. They're raised to not show emotions, not show that they are hurt, and many don't even tell their best friends how they truly feel. They keep it quiet and to themselves. So don't take this to mean he's not hurting too. He just does a better job at keeping his feelings private.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so heartbroken! My ex sent MY brother a message on facebook earlier telling him how he needed to come up to Charlotte (where my ex is currently staying for work) and that he'd love it up there. How could he do that? This is my brother of all people, not a real friend of his... but his ex gf's brother.. any idea what he's thinking?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 February 2013):
If I had to put money on it, I'd guess he feels as bad as you do. Of course he's not going to show that publicly, but he very well could be crying himself to sleep at night as well.
You made the right decision; if you guys weren't compatible than things would never be great, no matter how much you love each other.
It takes a strong and mature person to do what you did and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. You're now free to find someone that you can love like you did your ex, but also be compatible with.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2013):
oh hugs to you dear.... Neal Sedaka said it best... breaking up is hard to do... and it is... for both the breaker and the breakee....
so you ended a relationship that was not meeting your needs or expectations based on the bad behavior of your partner and you believe it was because he wanted out... and you did his dirty work.
and you want him to hurt... like you do. and miss you...
I can't speak for him but some men grieve the loss of a relationship they didn't want to lose as much as women do... I've had men cry and beg me on bended knee to come back to them... so it is going to be different for each man and each relationship... NOT Much help I know...
give yourself 6 weeks to be totally miserable and obsessive about him. write long long letters you never send... eat ice cream for dinner... cry... I wore dark sunglasses to work for 3 weeks after a relationship I wanted to work died... no make up... just walked through the motions... I healed... you will too.
THIS I PROMISE.
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