A
male
age
41-50,
*JM
writes:Ok, this is a long one, but I want to give you all the details. Enjoy the read!I wrote a question on here about 5 weeks ago just after my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. We had been together a year and we got on really well and loved each other. In fact, I could see myself staying with her happily for many years. We live near each other in university holidays, but apart during the term time, but that was never a problem last year. We visited whenever we could and looked forward to seeing each other. When I moved to a new town (actually not far from her university), to start a work placement, she was left back in our parents' town before starting back at university. When I'd been away for about 5 weeks, she told me on the phone she wanted to end the relationship. She said that "being in a relationship where I'm not seeing you makes me feel repressed and lonely", and that she was scared of being in a long term relationship when she was so young (she's just turned 21). She said she couldn't see the situation ever getting better because she still has 4 years of university left. She said that she hadn't been able to have fun at her friends' parties because I wasn't there, and that she didn't want to feel "tied down" and she wanted to feel "back to normal". (I had no problem with her having fun without me, I wasn't at all jealous or possessive.)This came completely out of the blue (to me), because I thought things were fine. I'm pretty certain that she didn't stop loving me or fancying me.After a few (two or three) phone calls where I got upset and tried to talk her round, I gave that up, and told her that she was such a good friend to me that I thought we should stay in touch as friends. I saw her the weekend after the fateful phone call and avoided any conversation about the 'relationship', but it was a big strain for me, and I thought about her constantly and was still really upset about it. Then I wrote her a letter saying that I accepted her decision to end it, and that we probably shouldn't see each other for a while. I said that I had had enough relationships to know a really good one when it comes along, but that she didn't have much experience, and needed to figure out what she really wanted. She wrote back thanking me for being so understanding, and that she wanted to stay firmly in touch because she really values my friendship and we always have a fantastic time together. She said to let her know when I wanted to see her again, and that I could call her any time.BIG BREATH!!Well, there's the background. Since then, I haven't called her for about a month. I sent her a (funny) birthday card, a couple of texts (to which she replied), and we had a couple of conversations on MSN. I've tried to forget about her, and meet hew girls, and I went on a date, but really I still want her. I know what I want in a girlfriend, and she has everything. A couple of days ago I texted her to see if she was free to call, and she called me straight back. I suggested that we meet up, maybe go to a concert, and then out for a drink, and she thought it was a good idea. She says she's been having fun, and enjoying being a "free spirit". She's had interest from new guys, and she's been on a date but she didn't really feel "in the zone", and she doesn't really want to be in a relationship right now. I joked "Oh, well that's because you're still in love with me."Anyway, I guess my question is: Girls, what do you think she's thinking? What does she want? What can I do to get her to come back to me? Guys, have you been in this situation before and won your girlfriend back? How did you do it? Or do you think she's a lost cause and I should move on? I love this site, and I really value everyone's insight and help. Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2008): I think the most important thing for you is to forget the reasons she broke up with you. It happens in many relationships: one partner just doesn't want to see the other anymore. She probably just didn't feel like seeing you anymore.
There really isn't anything you can do to make her come back. Even if you move closer, you still can't change the way she feels about dating you. And if you turn into her "best friend" then their's definitely no chance. Your best bet is to let her do her thing. Let her date other guys. Maintain casual contact but absolutely DO NOT make her your top priority. Do not talk to her about anything in-depth about your personal life. If you act like your personal life isn't her business she will become curious. And curious = interesting.
A
male
reader, Cowboy +, writes (1 November 2008):
Sounds to me like you both want to be together, but that she has tried to be realistic and accept that the long distance relationship thing is almost impossible to do.
Do you think things would be different if you lived close to each other, and do you think that she also feels this way?
I think if I were you that I'd seriously talk to her about this, and if you both agree, then you should try your damnedest to see if there's a way you can live within a practical distance of each other.
The thing that made me think this is the fact that you seem very blase about the fact that she went on a date with another guy.
You seem to be pretty confident that her date wouldn't go well, and she seemed to have a need to make it clear to you that the date was nothing for you to worry about.
You strike me as a pretty down to earth sort of person, and from the sound of it, she is too.
I get the impression that even if you both met other people, you'd still be thinking about each other and wondering 'what if?', and that seems like a waste.
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