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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I was having an argument with a guy about attraction and I was saying that physical attraction does not always equate to sexual attraction and wanting to bed a girl.When I crush/like a girl it's not her panties that I am after her body is not what I appreciate most about her. I want her heart and I want to be the closest person to her, to love her and for her to love me. I know that relationships lead to sex but it is not what I am after if I get into one.The guys I have talked to about this say it's impossible to like a girl and not want to sleep with her. I don't agree with this and I am wondering if it's because I don't have wild oats or am I asexual? I had a crush on a girl once when i was 16 and i am 100% sure that during that time i did not want to get into her pants but i was very attracted to her. I still think that she is the most beautiful girl i have ever met.What does it mean for a guy to be attracted to someone? and if I don't want to immediately sleep with them does it mean that i am not attracted to them or I am only looking for a higher form of friendship or brother and sister type of relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2014): I believe your friends to be correct when you are speaking in terms of "involuntary" sexual-impulses. The eyes are connected to the brain; which sends messages to the center of the brain that responds to sexual-attraction. That is an almost immediate process.
Your argument is; "you" need an emotional-connection to a female first, and your sexual-attraction may build from that connection. That is "voluntary." You chose to suppress your sexual impulses; and let your sense of logic override your primal urges.
You are forgetting that we guys shouldn't openly express what we really feel. We bury our feelings and create a ultra-masculine persona to please societal expectations.
For the sake of machismo; you must prove to other males that you are a sexual beast; unaffected by your emotions. Otherwise, your sexual-orientation is suspect.
Even women expect men to objectify them sexually to some degree, in order for them to feel they turn you on. They'll otherwise "friend-zone" you; or want to take you shopping.
Stereotypically as a male, you seek to pleasure your penis first; then follow-up with your feelings. Most guys do yield to their sexual-attraction to a female; before they seek any further connection. You're a rare exception. Nothing is written in stone.
You know a lot of guys who may just be skirt-chasers; and haven't really matured to the level where you are. They wouldn't admit it, if they agreed with you.
When seeking a wife or long-term partner, more emphasis is placed on emotional-connection. However; if the sexual attraction wasn't there first; nothing else is happening. Just thinking she's pretty isn't attraction.
I am gay, and I can appreciate feminine beauty, without sexual-attraction. I check out their boobs, legs, and butts all the time. That is a rudimentary attraction to females that is wired into a male's brain, regardless of his sexual-orientation. We still need an emotional-connection to females. There is no way to survive without them.
I do have to say the amount of sex-drive has a lot to do with it. As an adolescent; you were not so "cerebral" about your approach to females. They appealed to you sexually, long before they appeal in any other way. Your hormones and your penis did the thinking for you. If you've always been the way you are. You are the exception to the rule.
You won't get to know every female you meet. Her physical appearance alone is what draws your eyes to her in the first place. So your friends have somewhat of a stronger argument than you do.
I am a gay men. I lost my virginity to a female. I had sex with women, before I followed my true attraction to men.
I had to be "physically-attracted" to a woman; before I could have sex with her. I just didn't form both emotional and sexual bonding at the same time. Which means I am not bisexual. I sexually and emotionally prefer men.
If I find a man sexually-appealing; I feel be compelled to want to meet him. My emotional-attachment to him is triggered by preset criteria programmed in my brain. I could instantly lose all attraction with the wrong response; or if he displays traits I don't like.
That's how I differentiate being just friends, from being lovers. Just the fact they are attractive to look at, doesn't mean I want to have sex with every handsome guy I see. They just may not have the appeal that sparks sexual-attraction. So we agree here.
No guy, gay or straight, is always thinking 100% with his penis. It's impossible unless he has a sexual-addiction.
As males, we think about "sex' frequently or incessantly. If you can't approach someone attractive without voluntary and involuntary mental-control over your primal instincts around perfect strangers; you've got a psychological problem. We are constantly around attractive people, we can't be turned on the whole time. That center of the brain gets distracted for a reason. We are not sex-machines.
You can lust from afar. The brain does several things at once; when you actually interact with a stranger.
You may not instantly "pursue" her for the purpose of sex; but instantly your primal instincts and natural attraction to women automatically kick-in. If you are heterosexual, I can't see how that wouldn't occur immediately.
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