A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated one guy for about three months. He doesn't live in the same country as I do but we meet regularly when he's back (he comes back very regularly). He really liked me for a year and kept trying to talk to me all the time and didn't stop asking to meet me/get to know me until I agreed and we met and he said afterwards he really enjoyed spending time with me and that he loves talking to me and really wants to be in a relationship with me. He is studying abroad trying to complete his PhD, but we would talk everyday still and he would initiate contact and video call me now and again. I had a celebration while he was here, and he was very very excited for it and he helped me organize it and always spoke about it. the night before, we had a huge argument about him, well it felt like, him leading me on about his words didn't match his actions (like, not trying to hold a conversation with me, me having to sort out anything like meeting and me messaging him first suddenly, and he was blunt whenever he replied). He said afterwards, that I am a very insecure person to think that way and I didn't believe that was necessary as I felt like that because it felt like he was stringing me along) After the argument, I asked him if he wanted to come still and he said yes I do and I told him afterwards immediately not to come. He got very upset and angry and started to make angry statuses about me and was online on Facebook for much longer than usual. I re invited him again in the morning (yes I know, that was very childish and I regret it very much for doing it) and he went ballistic at me (this was over the phone btw) saying no I'm not coming! You told me not to come so don't expect me there! You always say sorry but it never materializes! We are not compatible! I definitely know this now. We won't work. I did not beg for him to rethink what he said. I simply just said ok thanks for the great few months. I was very upset and really wanted to message him apologizing (I apologized to him throughout the argument) but he said my apologies don't mean anything as I always say sorry and continue doing the same thing so I just left it and decided if he wanted to talk to me, he has my number so he can call/text me. I deleted his number so I didn't have the temptation to text him and just start dating again.A couple of days later, he wrote a status saying 'sometimes the best option is just to start all over again' and he messaged me a few hours later saying he is leaving the country today and we spoke briefly. And he complimented my picture saying 'I love your hair in your picture'. I was surprised he messaged me at all. We spoke again a few days later afterwards (just a general chat) and then another few days later, he phoned me and I didn't answer, and he phoned me again the next day and I didn't answer because I thought he did it by mistake and if he wanted to talk to me, he could've text me after the phone call. He messaged me after he didn't get through saying hey you (which I didn't reply to until late in the night because I was genuinely busy) and I said hey and he said that he is back in the country for a bit and I was like oh cool and we spoke and shared a joke or two. I asked him how come you phoned and he said "I wanted to see you but I can't now because I'm leaving tomorrow early and it's too late now. It's such a shame I can't see you before I go back", I asked him how come you wanted to see me and his response was "I don't know, I just wanted to see you". We spoke until 2 in the morning and he said I really hope I can see you next time I come back and I said me too. In the morning, I wished him a safe journey and he said thanks and then later on in the day, he messaged me a picture of himself to me on the plane with the text saying "byeeeee see you soon :)" and I said bye see you soon and he just read it and never replied. I haven't initiated any contact since this has happened, only him. This happened on Tuesday. He hasn't spoken to me since then except when I messaged him in the morning wishing him a safe journey back. I've noticed now, he is making sad statuses which do not seem relevant to me but someone else (he says Im not interested in your mixed signals','too blessed to be stressed') I really don't know. Is he just playing around with me? Keeping me to the side if nothing else works out? Or is he just being friendly and wants us to be friends? I don't think he wanted to meet me to have sex with because we haven't had sex before and he has never brought it up. (He is 28 and I am too). What do I do? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2015): Hi there
There's one thing in your post which rings bells with me and if I share it with you, then maybe it will help with the rest, I don't know.
I was in an abusive relationship (well, three abusive relationships, I've since learned after reading about it) and one of the common tactics used in abuse (emotional, verbal, mental and/or physical) is that on the evening before something important is happening for you, they cause an argument. This is a very calculated move on their part. Even though he was excited etc, he may still have been planning this.
You don't mention anything else in your post that sounds clearly abusive, usually I can spot it a mile off, but this one thing about the argument definitely rings bells. Also telling you are insecure afterwards. This is also a ploy.
When I was in the last abusive relationship, I was starting my own business. He was outwardly supportive, very much so, in fact. But on the evening before my first appointment, he started a huge argument. Saying things about me that weren't true, really winding me up, to the point where the next day, I felt so upset and drained, that I could hardly concentrate on my appointment. I remember thinking, 'What a shame that happened, last night of all nights. This is so much more difficult, I could really have done without that'. The next FOUR appointments I had, he did the exact same thing. Very cleverly done, I did not realise that the arguments and my work were anything to do with each other until I read about abuse. I moved out after that because the accumulation of the abuse and the stress had finally made me hit a brick wall and I had to live apart from him so it didn't happen after that.
Please bear in mind that he may be practising emotional abuse on you. This may be the beginning of it. My ex would also finish the relationship and then start getting back in contact. Slowly reeling me back in and then blaming me, saying that I couldn't keep leaving him then coming back, when in fact he would push me away, then draw me back in.
As I say, I'm not sure if this is emotional abuse that he's practising, but there is enough in your post that sounds very familiar.
If you can, please read books on the subject of emotional abuse and it may help you with some of your questions about what he's really doing?
'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft is very good.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2015):
 Following up from the last post, nothing had changed. He wants some cheap attention so he doesn't feel so lonely. He needs you more than you need him. You would think, if he doesn't like you, always get irritated by you, then why would he still want to get in touch?
Misery needs company. His negativity makes it hard for him to make friends and get new girlfriends. So he hangs on to any bit of attention he can get from you. He's some lonely academic analytical freak.
Your status with him, I would say, is an on and off date. You did not clarify with each other where this is going or if you want to end this. All you did was delete his number but that is not a strong message for him that it's over. "Thanks for the great few months." could be interpreted as just a thank you, instead of a break up. You would end it if he ends it but both of you are just playing games to see who would last longer. Before you could get into this romantic honey moon stage you have all this uneccesary drama. There is not enough to continue yet you feel not enough to break off either. All it takes is a stern decision to say goodbye forever. When you date you see a pattern, you see what you do to impress each other. Right now all you can see is an endless cycle of withdrawing then crawling back. A stronger message to show you do not want him is to stop answering his phone calls.
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