A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so in need of some good advice..I have been with my fella for 8 months..he always tells me he loves me, we have a really good connection and I really love him. I have my own house (rent it) and a good job, good family and friends and a good life. My fella has 2 kids, he was dumped 2 years ago and is living with his parents. He is a very good dad. However, I keep on making "life plans". I have met his children who are gorgeous. He keeps on lookin into council housing, but i suggested we move in together close to where his kids are. His reaction is never an enthusiastic one. He said he wants to go on holiday, so we both looked into this, but he has never mentioned saving for this. He says he wants a new job, so I made him a CV, got a few leads etc, which he is never enthusiastic about and to top it off, he never invites me anywhere, its always me, which he follows.It really upset me last week as he was doin a run for charity with his kids. I wanted to come to support, but he brushed me off. Turned out his ex was there. His ex gives me moderate hassle (which I can cope with) but he didn't stick up for me the last time. I asked him earlier, where does he see us in a year..his reply was happy and together (maybe me in a white dress). Its like he says he wants all these things with me, but never actions them.I don't have any kids, I want them and he has agreed, but sometimes I think I am wasting my time. He said he "existed" before he met me, now "he lives" but then never seems enthuastic about anything. Is he trying to tell me something?I am nearly 32 aswell so feel time is running out for me. Is it?Thanks xx
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 March 2012):
 I agree that there is no need to protect you from his ex…
He SAID he loves you… do you believe him? Does he SHOW you he loves you. I am with a man now who NEVER says “I love you” but I know loves me more than a man that used to say it every day… ACTIONS are what I count… not empty words…
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): I don't see why he needs to protect you from his Ex, she dumped him 2 years ago.You have already met his kids so they know about you.
Maybe he doesn't do all the things he promises and wants a new job - probably with more pay, because the majority of his money goes on child support and maintenance payments? Would explain why he is living with his parents after 2 years too,its cheaper.
You have a good job so are in a better position financially to go on holiday,move house,have your own children etc
Just a thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): I am the original poster
Thank u for all your wise words. I spoke to him last night and not a lot was said on his part. He said he didn't want me to go to the fun run because he was protecting me from his ex but everything else he just listened too. Just don't know what to think. He said he loves me very much and I know he does but he doesn't put any effort into our future. He is also taking me out on a date!xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): You're wasting your time imo. Sorry, that is what I see from reading this and you're still young but in terms of having children you need to find someone soon to do that with you if you want to. I don't think men who are divorced with children are generally good candidates for this unless they're loaded or you're loaded, you both want children and you can integrate your families well.
You and your needs will always come last in these cases.
He should be writing his own cv, looking for his own job and planning a holiday etc. Don't do any of this for him. I would cool it and see what he does, he may try to suck you back in. In the meantime if you're not too attached don't rule out other possibilities.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): Look at his actions don't listen to his words.
He can get motivated enough to do a charity run with his kids but can't organise and ask you out anywhere.
You sound more like his secretary than partner.
Leave him to his own devices, let him organise the next date, next time you leave him say 'ring me when you want to go out next' and also stop the sex..
Stop being in control and see what happens. If theres nothing, then you need to talk.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 March 2012):
 He's giving you that lukewarm treatment that "tells" you that he's perfectly content to enjoy you se*ually, but has no intention of being any more than a s*x pal....
If/when you finally wake up to this, you'll see, also, that you can only make a life with this guy when he knows/learns that you are NOT going to put out for him until/unless you and he have a proper "relationship"....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (20 March 2012):
 You DEFINITELY need to initiate a conversation with him about this. Maybe he doesn't realize all this is a problem for you, so he doesn't make any attempts to fix it. Until you tell him how you're feeling, things will most likely continue in this same manner. You're right- you're 32 and time is not necessarily on your side. The last thing you want to do is wait for this guy to come around because it's possible that he never will. At least if you talk about it, you'll know where he stands.
I'm in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 7 months. Our relationship is going really well, but I find myself wondering if things are moving as fast as they should be. We haven't said "I love you" yet, I haven't met his daughter (I haven't mentioned my issue with this yet, considering she lives 4 hours away and only comes around once per month). I'm 29, he's 35. I've given myself a deadline of the end of summer...if the "L" word is not spoken, I haven't met his child (he's met mine), or things don't seem to progress at a more rapid pace, I'm going to have a serious talk with him about where this relationship is headed. So, I think that talking to your boyfriend openly and honestly is the only way to go... Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): Hey, I'm in a pretty similar situation to you, except I've been with my bf 1.5 yrs! I'm nearly 32 too, and am wondering where we're headed. Like your bf, my guy says the right things, but takes no action. We've talked about a holiday for 1 yr, but he has made no attempt to save up. He's talked about us moving in together, but no action. And he's talked about wanting to marry me, but again, no action. I think time is running out in a way, and I'm planning to talk to my bf about how stuck in a rut I feel. Then, if nothing still changes, I think it is time to let him go and move on to see if there is a guy out there for me who will take action to show me he means what he says. So, I'd advise you to have a talk with your bf, explain how you're feeling, ask him where he sees your relationship going and explain where you'd like it to go, then see what happens......
By the way, some people might suggest giving an ultimatum, like, we will live together within 1 yr or else I leave, but I don't think that's the right way to go, but I guess it's another option.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 March 2012):
I think you are wasting your time as well. 8 months is not a long period of time for young folks but for us older folks you know what you want…. He gives you the answers you want (maybe in a white dress)… to placate you but keeping you away from his ex when he’s with the kids… it’s a loud and clear statement that you are not integrated into his full life.
He dreams of vacations but does nothing to plan for it… YOU made him a CV.. what’s wrong with him making his OWN?
HE is not rowing your relationship boat. IF you didn’t ask him to do things would you do things? Would he plan them or ask you? IF you don’t contact him does he contact you? Is it when he’s horny?
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