A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years. We have had one of the best and strongest relationships that I have ever been in before. We get along great and have really developed a strong bond with each other. A year ago we started talking about marriage and how we could seriously foresee spending a future together. He is a year older, and this semester I started attending the same grad school as him (he was not the persuasive factor for me coming here, it was the best school I got into and the one that I liked the most). And up until this point, things have been damn near perfect.However, we have run into serious problems. This past summer we lived together (it was not the first time we lived together) and worked separate jobs. We started to have normal relationship issues that arise after being with someone for two years: we got into a rut, he didn't think I was paying enough attention to him, etc. These weren't serious problems, but they were problems, nonetheless. At that same time, he started talking to one of his old friends from undergrad. It started off purely innocent, and they got along really well. Well, as we continued to work on our problems, he started to develop feelings for this other guy. It escalated to the point where he finally came clean to me. We tried to stick it out for a few weeks, but he said that it made him feel guilty to be with me while he still had feelings for someone else. So we took a break for a few days to figure things out, he made out with the guy, and the next day he told me that things were clear and that he knew he wanted to be with me. All of this occurred right before classes started for both of us.During the first week or two of class we were fine. It wasn't stressful, and things were getting back to where they used to be in our relationship. However, as we got more and more stressed and our workload grew, we started falling back into the same rut as before. When this happened, he started to feel for this other guy again, even though he hadn't spoken to him since that night. A few nights ago we were out and he saw the guy at a bar, and apparently that brought back the feelings he thought he had dealt with. He said that it complicated things more, and he doesn't know what to do.We've been talking the past few days, and he decided that we should take a break so that he can put things into perspective. He says that trying to deal with the expectations of a relationship just make him feel like a shitty person and he needs to take a step back in order to deal with everything. He told me that he still loves me, and he wants nothing more than to completely get over this other guy so that we can go back to how we were before. Throughout this entire thing he has been honest with me about everything, so I'd rather not people tell me that he's lying to go screw around with this other guy. What I'm looking for is advice from people who have been in a similar situation. Living together just makes things more complicated because it's harder to physically separate ourselves. And moving out isn't really an option because we're busy with grad school and our lease ends in June. I'm just wondering if anyone has been through this before and how you've dealt with it. Is taking a break the best idea? Or should we stay together and try to work through it? He says that staying together just makes him more upset and stressed because he feels like a shitty person and that he's being unfair to me.Any advice/tips/suggestions would be helpful.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 If am honest it is probably better if the both of you take a break, it sounds like you both had a great relationship up until you got in to a bit of a rut and obviously this may have worried him a little and that he started getting feelings for this other man, ok am not going to tell you he is liar because he has been honest with you but it seems like everytime something goes wrong he gets scared and starts thinking about this other man and that is wrong, yes we cant help our feelings and therefore am not going to judge your boyfriend, but if he was 100% committed to you then he never wouldve looked twice and anyone else, it sounds like he does care for you but he doesnt know who he wants, i think it is healthy for him to get away from both of you for a while and clear his head and if he choses you again then am afraid u are going to have to tell him its his last chance and if he puts you through this again you are gone, because you deserve someone that wants to give you there all and someone that knows they want to be with you and are committed. Goodluck
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