A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:People say in order rebuild broken trust between a couple that you have hard work to do. What is this work? What do you have to do to rebuild trust? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): It depends on what the trust issues were. for example if you used to spy on your partner or secretly check their phone and e-mail, then rebuilding trust means you stop doing these things no matter how paranoid and anxious you're feeling. instead you talk to them and learn to deal with your insecurity.
on the other hand, if you're the one who did wrong to your partner and therefore they don't trust you and they want to check your phone and e-mail, then you should freely allow them to do this as a sign that you're not hiding anything any more.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (24 June 2011):
There are two sides to trust, there is you, who wants to have trust in the other person, and there is the other person who is demonstrating their level of trustworthiness.
The two sides are independant of one another. In other words, you can trust someone who isn't very trustworthy, and who lets you down even though you trust them, and on the other hand, you can have little trust in someone who is actually very trustworthy.
The work that needs to be done depends on which side of the coin the issue lies. If the problem exists because the other person has shown they are not trustworthy, the work that needs to be done is that they have to demonstrate through their actions that they can be true to themselves, and to others. In other words, that their actions match what they say, and that they are consistant in the manner in which they conduct themselves. They do what they say, and they say what they do.
If they haven't done anything to be untrustworthy but you still have the feeling they aren't, the work can be different. Your sense of distrust can have to do with distrust that has been formed through your experience in other relationships, whether they are romantic relationships or family relationships. If you grew up with a mother or father who never kept their word and always let you down, you might have developed a general sense of distrust towards people you are close to. The work here is often learning how to trust people in general, and can take various forms. Some people use counselling, others experiment in their real lives by taking the risk of giving their trust to people in small ways, and seeing how it works out for them. Seeing what happens to them when they are let down by people, and what happens when they trust someone with something important, and they fulfil what was asked.
Often trust is broken leaving a combination of both not trusting and not trustworthy. Rebuilding trust takes time, no matter what kind of work needs to be done. It is often built up by lots of small things. Someone who says they will be there at 3:45pm and then they are, they show up on time. Or they say they will bring something and they do. The little things often add up, even though we don't realise it is often the little things that build trust.
Sometimes, your intuition tells you someone is not trustworthy even though you have no basis for claiming so. In those cases, it might not be a case of work needing to be done, it might just be something about them that isn't right for you. I tend to listen to my intuition in that case, without making any judgement or claim about the other person, they might be lovely, just my sixth sense telling me what I need to hear.
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