A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my so for a while now and we have a fabulous relationship the majority of the time. However he lives 418 miles away in a big city and I'm stuck here in a small town. There are a few problems that have arisen and the majority of which I think would get better when we eventually move in together. The first is his sudden need to reconnect with two girls from his past. One he claims is an old school friend that is going through a hard time in her life. Understandable, however having not seen her in 10 years I don't understand his sudden need to be wanting to meet up with her out of the blue and such. The second is his lack of understanding about the fact i'm super uncomfortable about him wanting to reconnect with his old friend that he had regular intercourse with 4 years ago. He claims they're just friends and he wouldn't be talking much but I don't know why he keeps asking if he can talk to her without me feeling uncomfortable. Now i'm fully aware I have trust and jealousy issues and know where they stem from. I'm working on them believe me. But how can I make him see things from my point of view? He's never been left for somebody else or cheated on before so he doesn't get my insecurity. The second thing is that he hummed and hawed about moving to me, as I'm at university and can't move but he was giving up his job anyway and looking for another. Long story short he didn't move and took another job in his city. Now it's up to me to move when I finish so I've started making all the arrangements and plan to move there by summer. However, he has decided that for his birthday he wants to go on a lads holiday to either a party resort or festival. I get he wants to have fun with his friends and all but in my mind, if we're moving in together ... should this year not be the start of holidaying as a couple? Not to mention how i'm going to feel sitting in an empty flat in the big city while he is away partying with his friends. I don't want to tell him not to go and make him feel like I don't want him to live and enjoy himself but I feel a bit upset that he wouldn't want to spend his summerr holiday or birthday with me now that we're serious.Finally another issue is with regards to his old friend. He's known this guy since he was 7 years old and while they don't spend a lot of time physically together they chat a lot.Recently his friend has been trying to persuade him to go to 'ladies free' clubs with the intention of going home with girls and when my boyfriend rejected the idea his friend was saying things like 'she's all the way there she'll never know' so now i'm obviously a bit nervous about him going clubbing with him. His friend has also been kind of racist towards me and totally disregards our relationship claiming it's not serious because he claims my boyfriend 'won't wifey a white girl' and that w'white girls are fine temporarily but not in the long term' I know it's his best friend and things but I don't understand why he'd want to maintain a friendship with somebody who so blatantly doesn't want him to be happy or has no respect for his decisions and people who are important to him. What do I say, if anything?Before you all say he's not interested in me, I know he loves me to bits. He has my name tattoo'd on his arm fs. But I don't know if it's just my insecurity or if I should be concerned and have a right to be upset in these circumstances?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): Thank you 'Been there Now over it' I'm glad you also think I have a right to be concerned and it's not just me being selfish and crazy. My SO and I had a rather in depth discussion about the way things have panned out and the issues regarding the girls and his holiday were resolved with him agreeing he'd been insensitive but with a condition that I need to try hard to work on my trust issues. He defended me, all be it briefly, when his friend was being racist and disrespectful, telling his friend that it is a serious relationship and it's not a joke so I appreciated that if I'm honest.It's a strange one really because he seems really keen to be serious. He's talking about proposing, getting married and having babies. He says he has a flat set up for me to move into when I come and that everything will be fine. That's why I find it quite a hard thing to resolve as in most situations he has the upmost respect for me and will put me before anybody else. However, in these instances he's just not been able to see it from my point of view, or he has and just can't get his head around why I feel that way.I really hope it all gets sorted. I'm unsure now of moving in, I'd love to and have dreamed about doing so for a long time and I know he has too. I feel like closing the distance would possibly remove a lot of the issues at least I have and could mend our relationship but if you don't believe it's a good idea I'll have to re-think.Thank you for your advice I will certainly be thinking about it and taking what you say on board. Much Love x
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (31 December 2015):
He may love you to bits but he is insensitive and not really interested or serious about having the kind of relationship you want. That is just his nature. Also, a guy has to be a major boob to not understand how or why his continuing relationships with previous girlfriends bothers you, whether he has been dropped himself.As for his friends, it is obvious that he will continue hanging out with them and be influenced by what they say.There are just a lot of red flags here but the problem is not very complex...he just needs to give you full respect and get as serious about your relationship as you are.I certainly wouldn't plan on upending your life at this point by moving in with him. Instead, I would make sure he is aware of your concerns and then give him whatever ultimatums you feel are necessary for you to live a happy life with him. You will probably have to make some compromises but I'm more worried about his ability to make the necessary compromises...he just doesn't seem like that sort. Good luck!
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