A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:Hitting a very rough patch :( This is more of an account than an actual question but I'll appreciate any feedback that can be given.So I've reached a point where my gf is having serious doubts about our future together which is really saddening given everything we have been through together. She is under a lot of stress from many things. Her whole life is changing - everything from her work (she's about to launch her international career as a tour guide), to having to consider where we fit into things, considering my future and earnings, whether or not to take a chance on coming back to Australia with me ...Basically last night she broke down and said she couldn't handle the stress (she has been fighting with everyone lately because she's been under so much pressure). She started to say that my body weight is scary - it's very underweight at the moment. When she first met me, she wanted to run away because she was scared. Through time we grew closer. She stayed because I came so far and sacrificed so much to be with her (moving my life to China and quitting my job and saying goodbye to my life in Australia). And she said in her heart, I don't match the sort of person she really wants - she's worried about all the past operations I've had. I have rods in my back and she cannot accept it. She opened up and said she was embarrassed about my appearance because everyone apparently tells her in Chinese that I'm too skinny and need to eat more. She compared me to her friend's bf who is coming from France (he's a bit older and is very fit, lots of muscle).I've tried to reassure her that I have no health problems and that once my pay comes in (I've been struggling to find work and get established), I'll be able to buy decent food and cook it for us. I don't know. I was absolutely gutted that after 6 months living together she would come out with these remarks and start talking seriously about having doubts about us. In the past she has apologised for any remarks that have put me down. But this time I feel like there's something pulling us apart permanently.Absolutely gutted is how I feel. She tells me not to worry but how can I not be upset after being told by the one I love that she feels embarrassed to be seen with me. This was wierd after she greeted me only an hour prior to the conversation to talk about wanting to show me to her tourists because she was proud to have a handsome foreigner bf.How do I handle this? Her feelings are changing and I cannot fix my weight overnight. What can I do now? She says that she's just really confused over my health (we will go for a health check together) - that she will feel better if the health check reveals I'm healthy. [she mentioned last night she's reluctant to go there too because she might lose face and feel ashamed if the doctors are left wondering what a nice Chinese woman is doing with such a 'problem foreigner' (i.e. the rods in my back etc)] There's other things creeping into the relatonship. I think she realises the seriousness of going back with me and that it means we are making a commitment for marriage sooner or later - because it clearly shows that we are trying to start a life together. Once upon a time she talked about going back together and marriage - now it's all changing.I have always felt that she will need time to adjust and that we are moving way too fast - we've only lived together for 6 months. Still it's so upsetting to see her feeling insecure and so unsure of everything. She saw me worrying and she asked me what was wrong. I told her that nothing was worrying me and that I will be strong. She said that's the man she wants.She keeps saying she feels so insecure with me. How can I fix this? I keep trying to prove to her that there's nothing wrong with me!!!!! My actions have been demonstrating security, short of the financial aspects which we both agreed on after I came up with a savings plan that can be adhered to and will guarantee us the chance to travel and go back together.If things are dying out, I'm left to wonder what to do next? She keeps trying to tell me she cares about me but I think maybe now she cares for me but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug...??It's made harder because she is having a hard time with so many things at once. And she feels like I don't have a lot of life experience so she cannot turn to me to talk which is also disappointing. I don't want to let go but I don't want to prolong agony (unless it's worth trying to hang in there and reassure her?).Her family and friends all love me and are always telling her to stop worrying about things (her aunt is trained in medicine - massage therapy) to do with my past operations and that they won't affect my health and indeed they wont! They think we make the perfect couple - I thought we did too because I always had the patience for her no matter how angry she got. But what seems pefect on the surface rarely is. How does someone change their mind so much??INSECURITY! I don't know how to deal with her's. She wants a strong man but she seems to not be focusing so much on the caring, smart, good looking person who loves her so much. It's a cruel world to have things go the way they are. She has so much experience - she's had a few bf's including one that she stayed with for 2 years before breaking the engagement :-/My highest priority is to make sure that we are both happy (whether that's together or apart). Was I stupid to have such strong feelings to her and want to make a solid future with her?The day afer tomorrow she's off to Bali for 5 days for her work. I'm hoping the time away will make her feel a bit better. Her old friend sent some information on how to cope with the stress and learn to accept things (to see the beauty hidden within what appears to be a mess on the outside). I'm hoping some of it makes some sense.I will try to be strong through this and if worse comes to worse, I will leave China and the new life I created here. There's no point in being in a city or foreign country that reminds me too much of her. My feelings right now as I type this are the same as I felt when I left her the first time to return to Australia from the holiday last year. The intense longing to be with her. I will going back home from work in another couple of hours to try and spend some time with her.Have you ever done something so crazy as leave your old life, family and friends behind to pursue a dream in another country? A dream that involves being with the woman that you really love?As I sit here looking out the window in my teacher's office, I can stare out at the city that I have called home for the past 6 months. And think of the life that I created with my gf. I don't want to let go of things, but I don't want us to suffer either.
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male
reader, soul83 +, writes (29 April 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl
Thanks - making a final stand might be the answer. I think we should make clear the directions we want to go in and that she needs to come to grips with who I am (this is going to need more maturity on her part). After all, it doesn't take 6 months of living together to 'make up your mind'. It's all down to her bloody insecurities! Like you said, I need to look at myself and what will make me happy.
Actually, I do have work but I'm waiting for the first pay check next week. From then on, I will have enough money to buy decent food and cook at home. As for what I've invested, yes it isn't much here at the moment.
I really don't want to have to go back to Australia and living with my parents - I've created a new life here.
Finally, she apologised profusely for her comments and said she was confused about some things and shouldn't have taken it out on me. Still, it's hard to forgive such comments :-/ I now still feel confused and uncertain about our future.
A
female
reader, ladyjaye  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 oh dear... it sounds to me that things moved a bit too quickly and unfortunatly for you, you made all the sacrifices the best thing you can do is have a break from one another... go home to australia and eat!! surely you have family you can stay by there until you get back on your feet. it sounds like shes got commitment issues, the last thing you want to do is force what isnt there, if it bothers her that people tell her you're too thin then why doesnt she stick up for you??? why does it bother her so much??? it sounds as if she's ashamed of you and thats wrong she knew what you looked like before you move to china so why does that affect her so much? if she is stressed then maybe she should organise herself better and reduce her workload... i hope this helps... gud luck!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 "Have you ever done something so crazy as leave your old life, family and friends behind to pursue a dream in another country? A dream that involves being with the woman that you really love?"
Uhm, yeah. I currently am. Moved continents to with my boyfriend, and things aren't easy. But you couldn't know that before you left. I feel that love is worth a chance, but sometimes it wont work no matter how much you want it to. You are in a though spot as you can't really make her overcome her insecurities. But she said she needed a strong man, so perhaps you should take responsibility for yourself. That means find a job, or eat healthier, and also take responsibility for your mental health. If this woman is so insecure about the relations it is not doing you any good. You will always worry when the next time will be that she turns around and becomes insecure. Perhaps it is time to take a stand. Tell her this is who and what I am, this is what you get. You either love this, or we must split parts.
You dont want to let go, and neither does she. But I think perhaps, as difficult as it is, it is best to leave now than to struggle and struggle until there is no more strenght left in you. Try to look at this not from the perspective of a loving boyfriend, but from your very own perspective. You as an individual. What is truly best for you? Is it to be in a country where you do not have a job, do not speak the language (I assume), do not know the people, can not afford to buy proper food etc. You are trying to build a home, but there is no home yet. You have not invented so much that you can not move on. You are mot married to her.
And as for her, you said she stayed because she felt guilty of all your sacrifices. That alone says a lot. You need to think about these things, and I hope I could help you highlight what I feel you should focus on. But the rest is up to you. Best of luck!
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