A
female
age
36-40,
*onica_Swan
writes:Good Afternoon Aunts and Uncles, I hope you can help me. I'm having love issues, as I'm sure alot of other people out there are aswell but I'd just like some advice as I wouldn't dare voice this aloud to anyone else.I've been with my boyfriend for more than four years now and we've been engaged for almost two, so I clearly love him. Thing is, he has a best mate who until last year I never really spoke to and I soon as I had a conversation with... lets call him Dave, I found him to have a brilliant personality, so charming and just plain nice! Nothing has gone too far, I wouldn't even say that we are flirty with each other, however, I really, really care for him. I'm constantly texting him to see what he's upto and when I don't get a reply, I feel lonely?! (as silly as that sounds)So, Dave is obviously unaware of this, as is my fiance and they are best friends so I know that nothing would happen at all, I don't even really think of him in that way at the moment but I can anticipate these feelings progressing to the point where in a moment of weakness I would act on them and I don't want that to happen and ruin everything, although I'm sure he wouldn't let that happen(Dave is too nice for that, I trust him completely). It's just that at the moment its taking all my strength just to sit there, next to him and have a conversation now knowing how I feel, so I'm stupidly dropping little compliments in there instead! All in all, I'm hiding it well, no-one but my best friend has caught onto anything and nothing is a secret except how deep the feelings actually run through me.There is however, some crazy part of me that wants Dave to know, or my fiance to know, not so that I can ruin their friendship or our relationship because that's not what I want at all. I just want someone to agree with me, rather my fiance to say "yeah, I care about Dave in the same way, it's normal because we're all so close and he's such a nice guy" or for Dave to say, "yes, I love you too but lets keep it all under wraps so nothing gets ruined just as long as we both know what the other one is battling with here."(Did I just say love?)Erm, so, I don't know what my specific question is here but some short-term aims for me would be great so I have something other than Dave to pre-occupy my mind with! I've barely mentioned my fiance here, which has got to be bad, hasn't it? But I assure you, apart from the questions this is arising everything is or was fine between us, in fact he is out there oblivious to everything so there mustn't be!
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best friend, engaged, fiance, flirt, I love you, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2010): "Call it what you will.. call it cold feet, call it being bored of the routine, call it noticing another nice guy who deserves a great girl, call it not getting what she always thought she would want from a relationship, I don't know. " All o f this tells me that you are not in love with your fiance and well the best will be to break it off instead of him investing in you any more. if you are now bored with this routine relationship then how do you expect to spend the rest of your life having sex with one person and living with one person. seems like you want out- so before you hurt anyone else how about ending the enagegement. more tears will follow if you can't commit 100% and if you continue thinking it will improve, it won't. you seem restless, looking for excitment, ANYTHING. if this is how you are feeling then please release the finace. i think he deserves an ounce of decency don't you. you are openeing up a can of worms and if you are not careful, these worms will consume you. you may find that your greed to wanting it all is not worth it in the end. why? because too many people would have been hurt/ destrpoyed in your quest of finding "true love/lust" , a "soul mate". do what you must but please leave this Dave alone. Your fiance would never accpet it and i don't think you will be so cruel to put him through this, would you. you may be selfish wanting it all at the expense of your fiance but even you, as selfish as you say you are, even this is going too far, isn't it.
Becareful what you wish for........... the grass is sometimes not greener on the other side.
A
female
reader, Monica_Swan +, writes (18 January 2010):
Monica_Swan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I was expecting to get some answers that I probably wasn't going to want to hear but some were just plain painful. I initially was thinking the same as you Gina (why is someone else catching my eye if I'm "happy") which is why I have reacted this way, what if I leave it until it's all too late?! I do admit to being quite selfish and wanting the best of both but then who doesn't? Sorry for a bit of honesty! But I can safetly say that I haven't betrayed anyone in my life, nor was I planning to in this instance. I was just asking for a bit of advice about the feelings I am having, so thank you to the anonymous writer who put it into a nice kind of perspective, I appreciate that, the same way I appreciate my fiance more than anyone can know. The feelings just aren't mutual. I shouldn't have to give you the full story, just the part I wanted help with, thanks to some of you for being so quick to judge me, I probably now know the full extent of the hurt I could cause but I promise you I am not a stranger to it and therefore wouldn't knowingly hurt anyone. Me and 'Dave' are close I admit but not anything close to cheating or having an 'emotional affair', it's just me. Call it what you will.. call it cold feet, call it being bored of the routine, call it noticing another nice guy who deserves a great girl, call it not getting what she always thought she would want from a relationship, I don't know. That's why I asked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): i think you are rather naive to believe that your bf and this Dave can and will remain the same once you betray your fiance. i think you need to cut out the drama and instead of only focusing on dave, try investing in your fiance. i think he should be your priority not Dave. if you just cannot find deep love for your fiance then end it anstead of wasting another 4 years of his life. "or for Dave to say, "yes, I love you too but lets keep it all under wraps so nothing gets ruined just as long as we both know what the other one is battling with here." - you really do want to open up a can of worms ,don't you. i think you want affirmation that dave is lusting after all. then you Think you will call it quits. you are playing with fire my girl. watch yourself burn!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): You talk about this as it's a big event of the year. Its not. Its only in your head, and you're the only one experiencing drama. I just want that clear so that you calm down. Yes exactly, sit down and calm down. This means nothing. Don't believe me? Try to think about things. Are you happy with your fiancee? Of course, why else would you be with him? But it's been 4 years now, 2 years went on without getting married while engaged, and after 4 years of every relationship its natural that there isn't fireworks every day. But you are still happy with him! You want to do many more years with him! Right? You have this great guy here! Be happy about that for a little, then we move on. His friend. Well isn't it great that his friend is a totally awesome guy? Who wouldn't want that? Every womans fear next to the evil mother in-law is a rude obnoxious best friend who is a bad influence to the otherwise perfect man in their lives. And there's this one thing: best friends are often best friends because they have so much in common! Im absolutely sure that if you look at your fiancee, he's everything Dave is and a little extra. And most likely your fiancee is better suited for you, you've been sticking together for 4 years now and plan marriage! While Dave sure used his good time and took years before getting to know you. My point is: I think you like Dave because he's a nice guy, he reminds you of your fiancee and you got a little bored in your relationship after 4 years. Dont worry however! Because little flirts happen in life! They are fun and nice, and many times go away as soon as they came. In other words, Dave is on your mind now, but get something else thats new and interesting in your life and it will take up Dave's place. Imagine if Dave was a girl instead. Totally cool, you become best friends, you'd think about her all day too and even without freaking out a bit. Its just that Dave is a guy, you tend to be attracted to men, and you are confused about what you are experiencing. But sounds to me like Dave is just some fireworks that caught your attention, fun and all, but will only last for so long. So enjoy the view, and sit back knowing you have the best man in your arms already.
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