A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I moved in with my fiancé.I am finding out that he is a nitpicker.He tells me how to cook or what I should do with this or that recipe. He was the first one to ever complain about a recipe that I have cooked for years and years that everyone has always loved during the holidays and they all scarfed it down but he tells me it was too salty.He says I have way too much stuff. I like my "stuff." I love books and would give up my furniture first. Right now they are stored under a bed. I asked him to move a box for me to get at some books underneath the bed because I want to reorganize them and he got all bent out of shape and asks me Why am doing this to myself keeping so many books. My ex would just move it and not complain like that. If I ask for help it always seems to come with a reprimand. I've stopped asking for help with things. It's just not worth the so called fatherly advice.He said I have too much stuff in the entry leading from the garage to the door. It is all organized neatly in boxes and stacked on shelving against the walls.He said my desktop on my computer was too cluttered. I worked really hard to organize it all and then he asked where did all my icons go???Then he said my home office desk is a mess. We sit side by side in the home office, each with our own desk and he is over there making sounds and organizing and his desk is "always" clean and tidy. He is a master organizer, which for me is amazing but also irritating when I have to sit by him. Now when he comes in the office, I get up and go find something else to do around the house.Since moving in and I have been here over a year, I feel so disorganized. Believe me, in my former job, I was super organized and OCD about it.I don't know what happened since the move, but I am not on schedule anymore and things seem out of whack.I wasn't like this before at all and had a daily schedule and weekend schedule. We are gone a lot on the weekends which I wasn't before and I could get a lot done then, but not anymore. He likes to go go go on the weekends and not sit around at home.I get to things eventually, but he is always on overdrive and wants everything done right now. It wears me out and I am tired all the time. It's draining physically and mentally.He says he only wants me to be the best that I can be.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2014):
 It may just be that you aren't basically compatible, alas, but I feel the main problem is , as another poster remarks, that you are sort of joined at the hips and do not spend enough time away from ech other. With this level of proximity and closeness, even Romeo and Juliet would end up with grating on each other nerves.
I feel it's THAT that blows out of proportion differences in habits / ideas which, all in all, sound pretty negotiable to me.
Like, the salt thing ? So, other people loved that dish and your bf did not. Big deal. Everybody has got their own tastes, my mom, I assure you, is a masterchef level cook, and yet there are two or three of her excellent dishes , which I don't like , I prefer them done MY way. Just make that dish less salty, and add salt in your portion only , is even it possible for people to get offended over salt ?!
As for your " stuff ". Sure you love your stuff,
neverheless it is quite possible that your stuff is too much for the space you have available, and that's nobody's fault. It's not a personal attack to you, it's a practical exigence of living together. It's not just because you love stuff that you can expect to keep it cluttering the hallways one year after your arrival, this would drive everybody nuts , I'd say, not just a neatness freak.
And the books ? You are kidding me. I love books too, with a passion and with a vengeance. Precisely for that , I would not dream of keeping them under a bed - to collect dustmites . Jeez , just go to Ikea and get yourself some cheap bookshelves . I've got quite a good book collection for a private , i.e. not a library, say maybe 1000 books ?, at the end of the day all it takes to host them is 6 middle sized bookcases . A whole wall of books , or two half walls.
If you really don't have any available space, do not throw away any of your books, but, it's reasonable that you make a selection. You keep handy your favourite ones, or the hardbacks only, or whatever selection criteria you want, and pack and store away neatly the others in a wardrobe, closet, attic, garage, at a friends', wherever you can- waiting for the happy day when you'll have more space and you'll be able to display them all. But , please, not under the bed :) it brought tears to my eyes thinking of those dear books treated that way, lol !
Moral- I've got this feeling that you may be a bit of a hoarder, and he a bit of a control freak. Together you nake somewhat of a Felix-and -Oscar ( the two guys from Neil Simon's play ) couple, but it's nothing that can't be compromised and negotiated and met halfway. Particularly for two people who love each other. It would mostly consist in separating your private spaces , like - getting each one their home office, even if that means one of you works from the bedroom, and agree that there's a personal space over which the other has no say , but also AGREE ( sitting down and talking and discussing rules and regulations ) about the handling, care and use of commonal spaces until you find a solution that both can live with .
As for the gogogo weekends : easy ! you let him gogogo, and you staystaystay home, resting, piddling and daydreaming at leisure. You are living together !, you sleep in the same bed, see each other every day, - you aren't some teenager long distance couple that must make the best of any of their rare encounters. What's the big deal, as mature adults, if every now and then, not every weekend but every now and then, you spend some time apart from each other, which you will use to recharge your batteries ?
I think, in conclusion, that although you are obviously different in personality and approach to life, THAT would not be enough to sink your couple- if it wasn't for the massive amounts of time you are underfoot to each other.
Do take a breather , and see if the expriment works. I am pretty sure it will.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 October 2014):
Let me see, you live together, work together at home, and are always together go-go-going on the weekends? And it's been this way for a year?
Good grief. Get AWAY from each other for a little bit here and there. One of you go take a weekend while the other chill at home. Go have girls night out. Stay home while he goes out. Take a breather, no wonder you two are on each others nerves.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 October 2014):
 Seven letters; c o n t r o l. He wants it and you don't want to give it to him. oil and water don't mix. Save yourself further agony and move on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2014):
 You've been dealing with this for over a year and haven't found a way to talk about this with him?
First of all, have you considered finding a bigger place so that you each have your own office? Or take an unused room in the house and separate the offices?
Second, have you told him how the constant criticisms make you feel? If not, why not? Do you need to figure out his communication style?
With the cooking, some people do like less salt. If he likes less salt, make dishes for him with less salt, and add salt when he cooks. He does cook too, doesn't he? If he tries to tell you how to cook, say, "Thank you, Brad, I don't require any criticism, constructive or otherwise. If you dislike my cooking you are welcome to take over while I go sit and have a glass of something nice and catch up with a girlfriend."
If you've been there a year and still have boxes of stuff stacked in a hallway then you both need to downsize and get rid of stuff or find a bigger place. I would be annoyed that there were boxes in the hallway for a year too. However, I would also try to find a solution that didn't involve you throwing or giving away your stuff, I would try to compromise and downsize some of my stuff so your stuff could fit in.
As for the books, I get it. I love books too. I would tell him that's a non-negotiable and to make an adjustment and start adding some attractive bookshelves. You might need to review the books you have and get rid of some as it appears the place you live in doesn't have room for all of them.
Your computer is your computer and if you want it cluttered that should not matter one bit to him.
If he says one more time "I only want you to be the best that I can be" say "I am perfect as I am, my dear, I do not want or appreciate nor frankly need the criticisms you keep on giving me. It's exhausting and annoying and it's killing my love for you because I feel controlled and second guessed. I would appreciate your making an effort to have only one 'nitpick' per day. I will take what you say into consideration but I am a grown woman and capable of managing myself. Obviously we have a difference in styles and approach to organization and it's not working in this space. So let's come up with a solution that doesn't involve me throwing away all my books or me doing everything you say because that will make my head explode and you don't want that."
If he likes to gogogogogogo at the weekends, let him. You can stay at home once or twice a month.
I think you need to find a way to communicate with him. And to find a new place to live. I think you've been shoe-horned into his space and he hasn't quite gotten over the intrusion, no matter how much he loves you. It would be easier to start in a new space that gave you separate working areas.
When I moved into my now husband's house, he made a real effort to accommodate me and my stuff. A lot of my stuff went into storage until we had a bigger place. Maybe you could take some of your books and some of his stuff and rent a small storage unit. Of course, over time that adds up and you'll have to decide if the rent on the unit is worth the value of the items inside it.
If you feel super disorganized you might consider hiring one of those firms who specialize in organizing your space. It might help to have a third party tell him that he needs to get rid of some of his items too, and they could probably find a way to block his view of your desk top and your desk in a way that will keep you happy and him reasonably mollified.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 October 2014):
 I'm OCD - I think my things JUST so, but I do NOT allow other to mess with my "stuff" NOR would I go about telling others how to do thing they OBVIOUSLY know how to do.
With the cooking, tell your BF/Fiance to cook it himself if he isn't happy. Though using less salt Is a good idea, people can ALWAYS add salt at the table. I use VERY little salt in my cooking, I don't follow the recipes when it comes to salt - my husband had a heart attack so I try and limit the things we REALLY don't need (fat/salt). But if someone started to tell me how to cook I would be offended too.
As for your stuff.. Well, HOW is it up to him how much stuff you have? If it's organized he should butt out. And redoing your desktop? Heck no. I'd password my computer so he can't mess with it. HE can organize his OWN till he is blue in the face, but yours? nope.
Seems to me that maybe you two aren't as good a fit now that you live together as you had thought?
I can't imagine living with a person like that. He might be OCD as well, but he doesn't seem to understand that YOUR stuff is YOURS.
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