A
male
age
41-50,
*av2016v
writes:hi im unsure what to do im newly married 4 months ago we had been together 3 half years we have a 3yrold little boy together when we got together we had an amazing sex life but for the last 18 months or so my partner has just lost interest in sex i love to have lots of foreplay /oral sex but she hardly returns the favour and i have to do all the work she promised me if we got married it would be so different but if anything its got worse i dont know how much more non loving i can take
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male
reader, NL +, writes (25 June 2008):
Mate, at the end of the day your original question has been answered with alot of other questions you and your wife need to ask each other. However, its clear that there are more issues than you originally stated; you need to talk to your wife one way or another about everything as you said you dont like keeping secrets! If it makes it easier go to a couples therapist with her! Talking about it helps, so help yourself and talk!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Is she punishing you for something? I know some women withdraw from their men by not having sex with them. What could have turned her off to sex? Has she given you any clues? Is she self-conscience about her post baby body? Have you asked her directly why she doesn't like sex anymore? Is she taking any medications that affect sex-drive? Is she depressed? Has she gone to a doctor for a physical?For women sex starts way before we get to the bedroom...try this.....surprize her by getting a baby-sitter, go out on her favorite date, hold her hand alot, look into her eyes and smile alot over dinner, nothing overtly sexual, just loving and when you get home, offer her a massage. If that doesn't work, talk to her nicely and then ask if she would go to the doctor.Please let us know what happens
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (24 June 2008):
 This is gonna be a long one so bear with me.
First of all I get the impression that the sex had dwindled before you married but that she promised you it would get better and she would have more sex if you got married?! She either lied or at least she honestly thought it would solve everything that is preventing her from wanting sex. If a woman is off sex for any reason a piece of paper wont solve the issues.
If she was having an affair why would she insist on marriage in the first place?
From personal experience once you lose your sex drive with a partner it is difficult to get it back unless something changes, especially when you have had kids.
There could be a million reasons. She may have gained weight however small an amount or her body shape may have changed or she feels as though her body is now a baby making tool and shes not a sexy feminine lover.
Sex may not feel the same after having a baby. For some women orgasms are not as strong immediately after childbirth due to the muscles stretching but they do usually return to normal especially if she does pelvic floor excercises (basically squeezing the vaginal muscles many times a day) so it could have put her off initially.
Looking after a baby all day long is hard work and very tiring and sex is the last thing on your mind so she may just have got out of the habit of wanting sex. Even though he is not a baby anymore if he is anything like my 3 year old she will get stressed out at least once or twice every single day.
The more you dont have sex when you are not interested the less you want it. Luckily it works the other way too. When you are fist together and want sex all the time chemicals released in your brain make you want the person all the more so what you have to try now is to get this feeling back and if you can resolve the issue of why she doesnt want it then you might find things pick up even if they dont go exaxtly how they did when you first met. She has to want sex first though.
You need to take her out or have a night in, with the little one babysat at grandma's for the night if possible so you are alone. Dont see it as a chance to jump her, talk to her, find out why she doesnt want to be intimate without making it a problem. Let her know you care but that you miss the way things used to be.
In the meantime surprise her with flowers, tell her you love her and kiss her and cuddle her away from the bedroom and make sure you dont only kiss her and cuddle her when you want sex. My ex didnt touch me EVER in anyway unless he wanted sex, in fact if I didnt wear underwear to bed he assumed I was up for it. It made me feel as though I was just an object to him.
You need to work this out together and it wont happen over night. i wish you luck x
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A
male
reader, cav2016v +, writes (24 June 2008):
cav2016v is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni help around the house i cook nearly every nite and if i dont we eat out my wife doesnt work monday to friday i do as i have my own business she works sat an d sun i try and do every thing she wants me to when im at work she is on myspace or facebook she goes and stays at her mums somtimes twice a week she was from a different area to where i lived i keep wondering if she is having an affair she is constantly hiding things from me i believe there shudnt be any secrecy between couples unless you have something to hide
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Meet her emotional needs and she'll meet your physical ones. Raising children doesn't leave women with much time or energy for sex; pitch in more round the house.
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