A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am breaking the cardinal rule – I know it.I can’t help it.I’ve worked with this guy for a few months now. And initially we came to a mutual decision that relationships with the people you work with just don’t work out. And all was well in the world.We joked around and talked all day, every day. Because it was safe.... then we started getting close.. very personal. We were always together. Told each other everything. Everything was fine – up until I would mention another guy and he would just ignore me for the rest of the day – because he was SOOO busy. I started noticing this was a pattern. He never mentioned the women he was seeing. Strangely enough.He irritates me. He is arrogant and annoying. Its always about him. A true know-it-all. He always has to be right. Always. But somewhere along the line I got attached...too attached.Then a new girl starts at work – since he’s been paying more attention to her...I’m upset. Jealous even. But more... hurt, because he’s now’s ignoring me! Its like I am not there anymore.I don’t like her no... she’s ...Bambi! But still my feelings towards her cannot impact the way he treats me??? Can it???What’s going on??? Somebody? Anybody?!?!?Help.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Maybe looking for a new work environment could be a good thing.
And yes, you can dislike Bambi all you want ;) But facts are he is trying to play a game of control. He wants to control the females he works with by setting them up against each other. He sounds like a total ass and Bambi.. well, she sounds very naive, but even a naive girl will figure him out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous...thank you so much for your insight.
Neither him nor I are in a relationship. We both are single. He never did let me know if he was dating other women. And when he did, he made sure I knew it wasn’t a date.
The thing is, we were fine up until he realised I was serious about the man down the hall. Well that’s what he thinks anyway.
He treated me horridly and I got upset. He knew I was upset with him. Probably thinks I’m immature and that I overreacted. I feel that if you keep hurting my feelings that deeply and if you’re that mean to me...then you have no respect for me. That’s not the type of person I want on my personal cheering squad.
I think he thrives on attention. And when he doesn’t get attention he sulks. I think that’s what he’s doing with me now. Because I got upset with him for disregarding my feelings, he now feels I do not deserve to be included in office jokes. He totally shuts me out if I even say something. He turned his back toward me – I am no expert in body language, but I KNOW what that means. If he wants this own secret club. Awesome! Good for him.
Who wants a man who cannot apologise for being wrong and who wants a man who is that mean?
Not I.
(I took the weekend to mop up the tears and pull myself together. I’ll have it nailed down to a pat by Monday morning!)
You said, “He likes to be adored, and does not care who he hurts in the process. A player is very crafty, in that, should you confront him about it, he can say, ‘but we discussed it didn't we? you agreed that a working relationship would not work’”
That is exactly what I was afraid off! I know he would use that line to deny everything. Its a game that we’re playing now.
Everything was fine. We were the closest of mates. We laughed everything off, joked all day. It was fun while it lasted.
We would tell each other when we thought someone was cute. Or if we had a crush. And that was completely fine. But then I kept mentioning the same guy – not to him, but to someone else and he heard that. THAT’s when the offish behaviour started.
No more attention for him because I had someone else to attend to. He didn’t like it. That’s the day when he started walking Bambi home.
They were talking and I overheard their entire conversation. She and I are extremely different. There’s no competition. And I need to pull it together and move on.
I think a turning point for me what when you said...
“Do not engage in any flirting whatsoever,You will be playing his game and will also gain a reputation in the end and will be very hurt in the process.
When you have built up feelings for a guy, it is hard to let go of them, but dignity comes first here!!”
Dignity and reputation are very important. Dignity on a personal level and reputation on a professional level. I cannot go messing around when it comes to work, else I’ll never get that promotion...
So, I am going to take you advice and be polite and just get the job done.
Thank you for your comments. I am sorry you had a difficult experience in your situation. And clearly you have learned what was to be learned and moved on. Good on you! : -)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie,
I think he thought we were bonding. He was veryyy caring and sweet – before Bambi started and before he realised I was seriously smitten with another man.
You’re right – it always has to be about him..always the one commanding the attention. If not, then he’s got nothing.
He got soo upset one time, that he didn’t talk to me all day. And then when we were fine again, he “got busy” again when I just made mention of the guy down the hall.
So yeah, maybe he does need my attention every minute of every day.
I hate that I miss his attention. I miss joking around and talking.
And what’s frustrating me more is that its evident, that if him and I aren’t talking, then the rest of the guys will not talk to me. They’ll greet – but no jokes, no friendly chit chat. Nothing. I hate that he has this much control. If I say something during their joking around session, he just turns he back toward me to block me out. That’s really rude. Its like he has his circle of worshippers who proved their loyalty, and I’m out!
I’ll think about Bambi – she irritates me – regardless.:-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven Numbers ~ Thank you for your response. :-)
I feel that too – that he was interested, but knows that I now openly look at other men.
I am not sure if he sees other women – he has NEVER mentioned dating other women. And when he did go out with someone – he made sure I knew it wasn’t a date. That being said he knew I was openly dating but nothing serious.
He always jumped up when he found out that I had gone out with someone...and ran over to find out details. Ofcourse, I don’t kiss and tell....
Strange behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): You are going through the same thing as I have been for a long time now.
Is he in a relationship, or are you? you don't say, not that it makes a difference here.
You post is short, but I'm sure there is much more been happening here than you have mentioned.
I ended up infatuating over the guy in my case because he chased me seriously for months, and I believed he must really have it for me because he would literally follow me around, and not take his eyes off me. I won't go into other things he did, but they all indicated a serious attraction, and I, like you, agonised over the confusion, 'yes he does', when he flirted with me 'no he doesn't' when he flirted with another woman blatantly in my view.
I always knew he was the same with at least one other woman as well, and that they probably felt the same as I did, but I always told myself that he was different with me so I must be the one he really wanted.
It took me a while to come to my senses and see that the other women must also feel like they are the one for him as well.
I actually began to feel ill over it all!! No man is worth that!
After months of agonising I have come to the conclusion that this guy really needs to be worshipped, Idolised and to feel desired.
He is playing with my feelings as he knows I like him, and will do whilst he goes on thinking I am attracted to him.
I think if you can pull back from all the analysing, you will come to the same decision here.
If this guy really had feelings for you, or even a hint of respect, he would have said something by now.
He would think it not fair to keep you hanging on, even if he had to say, I'm sorry but I only see you as a friend.
He wants your adoration!
If he wanted a relationship with you he would have said something, for fear of you getting bored and moving on, and losing his chance with you.
It seems like he is playing for female attention, he wants every new girl to feel attracted to him, even if he does not want to move on them.
If he had any respect/feelings, for you at all and saw you as a potential relationship (even a secret one), he would not flirt with anyone else in your view, even to make you jealous.
He would not want you to think he liked someone else, he would want you to know that he liked you!!
He likes to be adored, and does not care who he hurts in the process. A player is very crafty, in that, should you confront him about it, he can say, "but we discussed it didn't we? you agreed that a working relationship would not work"
Do like I have and back off!
Be polite, nice, professional at work, answer any questions in a friendly manner, do not let him see that you are upset with him, he will love it!
Do not engage in any flirting whatsoever,You will be playing his game and will also gain a reputation in the end and will be very hurt in the process.
I wish you luck
When you have built up feelings for a guy, it is hard to let go of them, but dignity comes first here!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 July 2010):
Maybe he started chatting up Bambi, because he knew you saw through him, and didn't think he was "all that & a bag of chips" no more.
Guys like that needs to have women "worship" him, he has to be the center of attention, which makes sense since he got upset when you talked of other men.
I would ignore him as much as work permits. And Bambi.. have a little mercy for the girl.
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