A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 19 and my boyfriend the same. This is his first relationship, but not my first. We have been together almost 5 months. I have a problem with him putting his friends before me. I value friendships myself, and think friends are important, and you shouldn't ditch your friends just because you are in a relationship. But where does the line go? He has many friends and they all want to spend time with him. So he says yes, and leaves little time for me. Less time than what I would expect from a relationship. We meet about once a week, and often briefly because he's got so many people he needs to meet that I get squeezed in between other meetings or I end up "last in line". At the beginning we met several times a week. I tried to talk to him, but it just sounds like I want him to give up on his friends, and he says he never wants to choose between friends or girlfriend! I asked if I couldn't come along when he meets other friends, but he rarely invites me with. He says it's because the other friends like to meet just him. All his other actions show me he cares a lot for me, he makes me feel very special except for when it comes to this, where I feel like I am worth little and always coming second. But when he is with me he treats me exceptionally well, better than anyone else I've been with, which makes it so hard to make a decision! I am also falling pretty hard for him!We talked about honesty and how open a boyfriend and girlfriend should be with each other, and he said there are things he will only tell his friends and not his girlfriend! While I want to be able to share everything and have a boyfriend who is also my best friend. I think as a relationship moves on you eventually move in together, but he already has plans to move with his friends and I don't know if I can compete with that. I asked if he can't move on his own, but he wants to be with his friends! So that means if our relationship ever gets to that point I'd have to live with his friends as well!Is this because he isn't used to being in a relationship, will it ever change? I think it might be because of his friends too, they aren't guys who have "normal" relationships, his best friend is 21 and dating a 15 year old he met online (long distance) and the other had a FWB for ages, his friends also "shared" this one girl, where she was in a relationship/having sex with 3 of his friends. At the beginning he was worried his friends would try to steal me away from him because of how that girl had been with 3 of them. I'm thinking his view of relationships might be screwed up?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): Chalice, I have not talked about wanting to marry him. My concern was that I get to see him once a week because he spends the rest of the week with different friends, and I wonder if it wasn't too little to just get one day!I said the part about him moving with his friends not because I want to live with him now, I never said that. I brought up his moving with friends because I wonder if he never wants to live with a girlfriend in the future, as he appears to be currently dependent on his friends. If people are still this dependent on their friends at 30 then that sucks, but what others have said is that by that time you find your own ways.He is not out to party and spread his oats, you are assuming way too much about him. He is very kind, down to earth and never parties. He hasn't been spreading his oats as he was waiting for a very special girl before he wanted to get into a relationship, and that girl was me. He is 100% faithful. He just doesn't know how to balance a relationship with friendship.I don't have plans to marry him. All I want is just a bit more time out of his week, if that isn't too much to ask for. I said the part about marriage as people at first commented friends before girlfriend, but if that was true then no one would ever marry, because who can be satisfied with meeting once a week and never having prospects of living together?? So obviously those people who got married have been spending more time together than once a week, meaning other guys have put their girlfriend as their priority! I was worried his dedication to his friends was a sign that he never will put a relationship as his priority, not meaning MARRIAGE, but meaning he will spend more time with his girlfriend and not let her wait last in line for his attention.To everyone else, thank you. I have gotten a better understanding now of what you meant by not thinking ahead in the future and that you can't plan life. I think I worried too much about what his current actions will mean for the future, when they might not mean anything at all. I don't think he purposefully sacrifying me at the altar of his social life (nice way to put it), I think with this being his first relationship he doesn't know how to balance friendship and relationship. So this might change as he grows older, and I will see what happens. Either I get patient with him, or have to find someone else who can spend more time with me.. even if it is just a day more in the week.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): The problem here is you are choosing someone who CLEARLY made evident he wants to party it up and have some side action with YOU, the GF but he likes to live it up with the Friends. He isn't ready for anything long term, let alone marriage. He believes being young means partying and sowing wild oats and marriage is for people 10 years from now. His mentality doesn't have a thing to do with maturity.This is clearly differences of lifestyle, timelines and he certainly DOES NOT want to settle down and does not have MARRIAGE on the brain. Its not even in the realm of posibility.So why are you so hell bent on HAVING him? Face the cold hard Facts Sister- time to let him go and find someone who is Wanting and Willing to sign onto the same dream you have.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 OP no one knows what they want two years from now... it could all blow up in a year ... it could be perfect for TEN Years then blow up...
I met "THE ONE" when I was 19... I married him at 21 and divorced him at 29...
I think the idea that you need to relax and go with the flow a bit and back off is a good one..
CT has great info... you are only together 5 months and yiou are both very young and I think you are trying to FORCE things to go with YOUR time table and that's hard to do...Bonnie Raitt once sang "I can't make you love me" and it's true you CAN'T make someone be something they don't want to be... right now he does NOT want to be in that committed of a relationship...
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 OP, if you have to get mad, get mad at the stats, not at Celtic Tiger. I am quoting by memory so maybe I am not terribly accurate, but neither I am too off the mark, add or subtract maybe one year: the current average age of marriages in Northern and Western Europe is about 30 for women, ( that the marriage may not last too , is not relevant, just focus on the fact that they THINK they are marrying for life ). The average length of relationship leading to marriage is about 3 point something years, so yes, that brings us very close to that age of 27 which you mentioned yourself.
What does it mean, that you are not supposed to date anybody before 27 ? No of course- just that PROBABLY you are dating a transitional love . Most people can't afford to buy their final house until their 40's or more- that does not mean that they stay homeless before that. They rent. They change places. They move around.
Of course there are exceptions but 5 months of dating it's not enough to say your couple has the markers to be one.
As for the friends issue, I think you are expecting too much from a guy not even 20, you want him more domesticated than he can be. At his age the pack mentality is strong and rampant. A 20 y.o. boy will choose to live with friends even if he could afford to live alone, in time it becomes the opposite , a 30 y.o. guy normally will gladly choose to live alone even if sharing with friends would save him a whole lot of money.
Said that , though, perhaps you have a point, your bf sounds maybe too immature and emotionally young for his age- and for you. Bros before hoes and all that, but other guys are much better at finding a balance , while it sounds that he's too readily sacrifying you on the altar of his social life, does not even try to compromise.
Maybe it's a difference of perspective : while you are ( a bit prematurely ) planning the future of this relationship,- planning living together etc., ... maybe deep down he
feels or knows this is a transitional love . Girls may come and go... but your friends STAY . So , friends come first.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Another thing.. look at the reality of your situation.. your only seeing the guy once a week... you don't really know if you can actually live with him. What will be your feelings if you see him every day? What bad habits and attitudes has he picked up from his very "strange" friends? Your relationship has a long way to go before you start thinking such things. Again, sit back and relax and enjoy what you have right now. Spend your time getting to know him better.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 November 2011):
 I think you just assume that because a handful of your friends are married, and living together at your age, you should be too.
It doesnt work like that. They are by far in the minority for your age group.
And to clairify my point - no for someone in their 20's or 30's it is just as difficult to find "the one". There is no magical age where you meet someone and fall in love. BUT it is more likely to find a life partner at this age than it is as a teenager because you have grown up, experienced life and have a much better understanding of what its all about.
There is no set age to start dating, but through experience and people watching, young relationships do not last.
Right now, you are still growing, still learning, and still finding your feet in this world. What you want now, might be very different from what you want in 2 years time. You have yet to experience what life in an adult world is really all about.
"I already know what I want, guess that comes from men being less mature than women."
Not true. You THINK you know what you want now. You have set your heart on this man being the one. After 5 months. You are barely into a relationship. It may not even last 2 years. He might get cold feet and decide he isnt ready for a 'proper' relationship. You are is first girlfriend - do you honestly think he wont wonder what it is like to be with other women?
As for being ready to move in with you in 2 years time - he may be ready, but equally he may not. He will only be 22 years old then - again, still very young to be living with a partner. Dont set your hopes on it happening.
I think you see your friends marrying off and living together as the norm, and it really isnt for your age group.
You just have to have patience and go with the flow. It appears you want to know his intentions 5 years down the line NOW. What he feels thinks and wants his life to be to be decided NOW.
Life doesnt work like that.
You may still be together in 5 years, you may not. You may live together, you may not, You may get married, you may not. Hell, he might cheat on you or you on him. That is the uncertainty of life.
After 5 months you have no right to start demanding he gives you such commitment. No man would commit their life to you, planning houses and marriage after such a short time, even older men.
Just enjoy this relationship for what it is, but do not put all your heart into him being "the one" because you are likely to get very hurt.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 November 2011):
I met my guy at 18... spent 18years with him.. now I'm single.. Celtic Tiger didn't mean it won't work, more that it PROBABLY won't work. We don't want to crush your dreams, but the statistics show that young love mostly doesn't last. You both get older, and people change as life progresses. We know it's not what you want to hear. You want to plan a future together, forever. 50% of people get divorced. That's the reality. There is more to dating than settling down with one man for ever. You get to know different people, you get to find out what you like and what you don't. You get to know about yourself. Dating helps to give you a range of emotions. I'm sorry, I know this is not what you want to hear. But we can't lie and say yes, for 20year old guys, love means forever.
*sometimes it does though, sometimes it works out, but sometimes you can be in love, but you can't live together and the relationship breaks down. You say your not planning, but you keep thinking about what happens in 2years. This is the part that frightens guys, that's why we are saying, if you like him, you need to relax and enjoy what you have right now. Many men (and your guy sounds like one) are frightened off about making future commitments, that are so far away, especially at this age. Wait until your ready to move in with him, and then ask him if he'd like to live with you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): While you point out many good things, celtic tiger, I think it is hurtful that you say I wont have a future with him, because of our age. I already know what I want, guess that comes from men being less mature than women. But he'll figure things out too, in time. If I am to let one day go at a time and take it as it comes then why would you say this relationship wont last? If so I should just end it before we see where it is going! And not date anyone again until I am 30! You mention sweethearts and teenage relationships, but this is becoming an adult relationship. How far into adulthood can you call it a "teenage" relationship? He is turning 20 in one month. So not exactly a teenager.
If I can't grow old with a man I found my age then what makes you think I, or yourself, will find that man at a later age? What, the man you meet at 26 will always be The One, or something? The man you meet when you are 27 is The One, and anything earlier can't possibly be it? Saying that at my age the men I date aren't going to be the one I end up growing old with you imply that at some other age I will meet him. Tell me when, and I will start dating then, as everything before that age is pointless according to you.
I understand that committing at this stage (5 months) is pressing things, and I am trying to sort out my thoughts so that I don't move too fast, but if him and me are in this relationship 2 years from now I just want to know if he will still want to live with friends. Since that is how he worded it. Seeing as his age is being brought up as the reason for why friends are more important now, in 2 years time he might have a different take on things.
By the way, he already lives with some friends, including a 28 year old who doesn't look like he's going to get a place of his own despite having a child. Which is another reason why I don't know if this is a stage or a permanent mind set. But they were thinking of moving again, and want to move as a group. He's already been living on his own for 2 years, same as me, so we know how to do the dishes. He doesn't go to school, but works. And I have a friend who moved in with her boyfriend at 17 and still live with him, they are now married and already have 2 children (she is 21 now). Another friend has been with her boyfriend just around 5 month as well and they see each other every day and are talking about moving in as it is the most natural thing in the world. Another friend of mine has been with his girlfriend for around 7 months, and just got engaged (she is 19 as well and he is 23). I think that engagement is too soon, but I guess they truly love each other. At least now you know where I am coming from.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 November 2011):
I got nothing more to add... celtic tiger said it all. Ask him to see you an extra day. Step back and stop worrying and let the future take care of itself. We older people can tell you from experience, life has a way of messing up any grand plans that you make.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 November 2011):
As a bit of extra info fyi.... I teach 18-21 yr olds at a University. I can tell you now, 18, 19, 20 year old boys are on the whole much more immature than the girls.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 November 2011):
He is still a teenage boy. He is immature. Living "with the boys" he can do what he wants when he wants. Does he live at home now?
Moving out of the parental home is a scary thing - he NEEDS to learn to fend for himself. Do his own washing, cooking ironing, be in charge of his own life. This is a learning experience and one that will make him a better partner in the long run.
If he moved in with you now - you would just take the place of his mother. Run around after him, picking up his clothes etc etc etc... do you really want that?
But you are ONLY 19 years old. Come on. You are barely adults.
What he thinks and feels now will not be what he thinks and feels in 10 years time. I can tell you that from my own experience - I am 28, and if I knew then what I know now, I would have led a very different life. Honestly, you will look back in 10 years and understand how much you have yet to learn. Dont rush it, you will only regret it.
You are rushing things. He will move in with you when the time is right. When HE is ready, mature and capable. He will not always be the immature teenage boy. He will grow into a man - altho the time it takes varies from boy to boy ;) I know 30 year old men who are still big kids!!
I think you need to chill out a little. Take each day as it comes "I am thinking ahead, thats all." - do not think too far ahead. You have no idea how you will feel in 6 months, a year, 2 years time.
You are 19 years old. It has only been 5 months. In another 5 months you may decide the relationship isnt working and move on.
I want you to re-read this "I just find it odd that when you have a girlfriend you aren't thinking of a future with her, but instead of a future with your friends. Several people I know of are already getting engaged or live together, some even have children already. I'm not pushing for marriage with him or anything. I just worry if this relationship can ever get to the next level, when living with his friends, and spending time with them, is much more important. "
Girlfriends come and go. In your lifetime you will have many boyfriends. This is not the man you will grow old with - however much you do not want to believe it. Yes, some people marry their childhood sweethearts, but it is VERY rare for it to work. I know many people who are my age and divorced already because they rushed into it. They thought like you. You are thinking WAY too far ahead.
Just enjoy being in a relationship with him, spending time with him, getting to know him. The relationship will progress at its OWN PACE naturally. The more you push, the more you are going to ruin it.
Wait until you are older before trying to get him to settle down and move in with you. It is a BIG step for a man, to commit on that level. Try and see it from his point of view. He is 19, you are his first girlfriend, you have only been dating 5 months, that works out at 20 weeks. That is how many dates.... 20-30? So after going out 20-30 times you are already thinking about living together, marriage and "future".
You may not be actually saying this things out loud, but you will be reflecting your feelings in your behaviour and your actions. Can you see how this might be scary to him, frightening, and putting a huge amount of pressure on him?
He just wants to be a normal teenage boy, no ties, no stress, no commitment. Be young, hang out with the boys, get drunk, watch sport and have a nice girlfriend to make his life complete. He is not ready for "heavy" or "serious". Keep it light and casual. Dont scare the poor lamb.
A 25-28 year old man, has more experience. He knows what he wants, where his life is going, he has a job, his own place, has matured a bit more. He has done the silly teenage boy thing, where he was the only one that mattered in his life. Got drunk, messed about, done silly things and hopefully grown out of it. He is independant. He has probably had multiple girlfriends, is more sexually confident and at that age, once he finds a woman he really likes, then yes, living together etc would be a far more natural progression. But even then 5 months is still waaaaaaaaay to soon for most people.
Calm down about this. Enjoy your dates, but dont get too serious about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2011): Hey, Im the poster again. I admit that I probably am rushing things, but I haven't suggested him and me move in together. I am thinking ahead, thats all. If this relationship will always be like this or if he will grow out of it. But if he intends to live with his friends forever then how can the relationship progress? He actually did tell me that he wants to live with his friends until he can't any longer, which means whenever his friends find someone they want to live with (which is not probable considering their dating records)! Until then he intends to live with them, which can be for who knows how many years.
I just find it odd that when you have a girlfriend you aren't thinking of a future with her, but instead of a future with your friends. Several people I know of are already getting engaged or live together, some even have children already. I'm not pushing for marriage with him or anything. I just worry if this relationship can ever get to the next level, when living with his friends, and spending time with them, is much more important.
Many of you said this is typical of his age, so maybe it will not be forever, but something he will grow out of? How would it be different if he was 25-28 instead? Would it be weird for him to still want to live with his friends and put them first if he was 28? Please let me know.
In the meantime I will try to talk to him about me not smothering him (I have asked if I do since I constantly call him, but he says I don't), and coming to a compromise.
Thank you everyone! It has been very helpful!
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (17 November 2011):
I think you are soo rushing this relationship. You are only 18-21 years old, and I guess he is the same age as you?
It has only been 5 months in the relationship?
Yet already, you are talking long term, moving in, marriage?
Way too fast. You are too young, and he is still a child in a mans body.
It is NORMAL for people your age to move in with friends and have partners elsewhere. Less normal to move in with your bf/gf. Even when at university, people do not often live with their boyfriends.
Step back a little.
I agree he should be spending a little more time with you, but you want to smother him and spend every waking moment with him. At your age this is not a good idea. It is too much, too serious. I know you do not want to admit it, but 90% of teenage relationships do not last into adulthood. You grow up, move on and your wants and needs change.
It has only been 5 months, which is no time at all. If you were 28, then it would be a different story, but you are still very young and have a whole lot of experiences to go through yet.
From what you have said, it sounds like he doesnt want you to move in with him. He wants to live with his friends, and that is fine. There is nothing wrong with that decision.
At your age, breakups are far more common. If you live together and you break up, what happens then? Who moves out. Who pays the bills. Where do you go? Who supports you?
I think you need to back off a little, and if this boys idea of a relationship differs so much, maybe you need to think about looking elsewhere. The more you rush him, push him, and force him, the less likely he is to want to do it. And he will grow to resent you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I think you are disatisfied with the BF because you have differing mind sets of seriousness when it comes to dating and past time pursuits.
I don't think hes wrong, just doesn't uphold or believe in your standards of what dating and time should be.
My opinion is that you have a talk and come up with a compromise where you both have a win/win situation to this whole affair.
Because at such a young age, I don't think dating should be as you describe UNLESS you are both about to get married. That is what that commitment level entails.
You both need to come up with a solution where you will both be happy.
You both need to discuss what your dating norms and time spent with one another will be.
Make sense?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): I'm the one who wrote the question. I do understand friends are important, but there is a line somewhere isn't there? No one would ever get married or live together if the friends had to live with you. Couples are for 2 people! Not 10!
I do meet my own friends, but I have a pretty small circle of friends, while he has zillions. Is it really too much to ask for more? I always think of him and plan out when I can see him next, and if I am super busy I tell him in advance, but if he is busy I find out when he declines my invitations to meet up, without him telling me when we can meet next :( It is hard to feel rejected by your own boyfriend. Makes me feel like I am not important enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): FRIENDS!!!
At least on MY planet. :)Sometimes when I look at society I wonder if I'm from outer space.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2011):
many many MANY years ago I had a boy say to me
"friends are harder to come by than lovers"
he was spouting teenage crap and we all said yeah of course... now nearly 40 years later it's so true....
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reader, Miamine +, writes (16 November 2011):
No.. his view of relationship isn't screwed up, but you don't want the same things at the moment. This is normal at his age. You want to be around him, but he wants to socialize and be with his gang. It's only been 5months, that's a new relationship. Already your talking about moving in together and telling all your secrets. I think it's a bit early for that. Young guys at this age, just like to take things one day at a time. He's not your first boyfriend, so he's aware that things may not last. Moving in with a woman means commitment and probably sharing accounts, buying furniture, settling down. Moving in with your mates means parties, a football table in the kitchen and lots of laughs. His friends sound messed up, but they don't seem to influence his views on women. He treats you good, and makes you feel special. Because they don't seam to respect women too much, I can see why he doesn't want you to spend much time with them.Once a week wouldn't be enough for me, I'd ask to see him at least twice a week, so we could create memories. It's too soon for him to tell you his secrets. He's probably know his mates for years, and they've probably seen some rough times together and they've been there to support him. It's a bit too much for you after only 5months to expect him to open up and tell you everything. How about you think about some people who are not close friends, but you could both hang out with them together. Workmates or family are good for this.Ask him to see you at least twice a week, that seems fair. Arrange to spend more time with your family and friends. Your young, this relationship is new, it's supposed to be fun. The intimacy you want needs time to develop. You want your boyfriend to be your best friend, but not everyone feels like you do. Lots of people like to keep boyfriends as their lovers and get support and entertainment from their girlfriends. Nothing wrong with that, it's just different ways of behaving in a relationship.Guys develop later than girls, especially in areas of emotional understanding. This guy may be too emotionally young for you, he still at the stage where he wants to play and just be one of the guys.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (16 November 2011):
 Ever heard of the saying 'bros before hoes' and 'chicks before dicks'??
Basically meaning that friends come before a relationship. Maybe you should spend more time with your friends, so if this relationship doesn't last, it's not like you'll have no friends afterwards!
Try talking to him again, tell him that you really like him and that you are falling for him, but you want more time with him. My bf has lots of friends who all want to see him, but he makes time for me as well. It's compromise, if he's not willing to compromise, then you'll only end up getting hurt...
Good luck :)
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