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male
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*CP
writes: Hello, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for about 5 weeks now and in this time, we have become quite close even though it isn’t very long. His dad was an alcoholic when he was little and used to beat his mum in front of him. His dad then left and it has really upset him that he hasn’t had a dad growing up. He told me that I am the only person he has spoken to about it and it’s clear that he is still really upset about everything that has happened, when he talks he is close to tears. Is there anything I can say or do to help him? If so please tell me what it is. I know I can't fix his problems but I would just like to know what to say or do for him at the time or generally? I would really appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (1 March 2006):
 There is nothing you can say to him, you can just be there for him and listen, that means more to him than trying to understand something that is his experience and not yours.
My advice is to let him talk and when he gets upset pretend not to notice the tears, just hold his hand or give him a cuddle then dont re-visit it unless he wants to.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2006): I dated someone for two years who'd suffered abuse as a child. It's a serious thing that leaves emotional scars for life. As you recognize, there's nothing you can do to fix your bf's past, but you can make his present a bit brighter. People who've been abused or who have witnessed abuse often have a hard time trusting others and they sometimes have inappropriate anger - it's easy for them to expect the worst out of a situation, and it's common for them to act defensively to protect themselves from getting hurt any time it seems like that might be possible. These are learned behavior patterns that are very hard to overcome, no matter how badly someone wants to break from their past.
The best thing you can do for your bf is let him know that you care about him. What you say is actually far less important than how much you listen. Do your best to make him feel comfortable about opening up to you. It's great that he's felt able to do that in just 5 weeks; it sounds like he really trusts you. The only thing I'd say is to be careful that you don't become TOO much for him. Particularly if this is his first serious relationship, he may be vulnerable to depending on you more than he should (not for important stuff, but just for every day stuff), and your urge to help ease his suffering will make you vulnerable to doing more for him than you should. Love him and be there for him, but don't let that devolve into losing your separate identities. It's something that often happens in relationships where someone has suffered from abuse - it's just really easy to slip into without realizing it.
Other than that, just keep doing what you've been doing. It sounds like it's working.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (28 February 2006):
 Just listening to him is perfect and I'm sure he really appreciates that. There isn't anything in particular that you can say or do to make his troubles go away but simply having a sympathetic ear, showing that you care, being affectionate and loving is all that your boyfriend needs.
Continue to do what you are doing. Tell him how you feel; that you wish you could help him more. I think just being able to talk is making him feel so much better. Perhaps counselling may have helped him but at this moment in time, I think him just being able to express to you how he feels is all he needs to do.
I'm sure he appreciates having such a loving and caring girlfriend like you.
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