A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone.. i came here to get some advice on my current situation dealing with my in laws as we live together. They are kind hearted people but i always feel suffocated near them especially the mother in law.Some detail that i can describe about her :- my sister in law ( her daughters ) who are married with child still have support financially from them and are very close to them due to the need of money. They live eith their parent after marry. While in my case, i agree to live with them and i want to still going back to my home evryday to help my parents.. the mil hates it. She directly told me its rude that i go home everyday after i married. I should be more involved in the house. While her daughters can get away with it.6- i try to not go home everyday like 3 days in their house and 3 days on my house. When i say im going to my home she will frown and put unhappy face. Ignoring me. Not answering to what i said. Thats not happen with my father in law. He still smiles and says okay.- when im around she sometimes can be rude with me. Especially when theres evrybody else around she will command me to do this do that and still put on unhappy face. Like she feels the need to show off her authority of me to others. But while we are left 2 of us. She will treat me nice. - she is cynic and always have that negative mindset. Almost 80% of what come out of her mouth is always negative comment and opinion about others. She bad mouth my father in law when he isnt around but act like a good dog when he is around. She will agree on whatever he says and does without hesitation. Its funny how she become 2 personality with her husband. She will always have something negative to talk about others Oh btw when i say i go home i mean from morning 9 to 9. 12 hours. I still go back and sleeps with my husband in their house. She hates me going home while her married daughters live with them and she said their mother in law is being cruel to them? She is just so self centeredWhat should i do to confront her as i feel thats enough to keep my mouth shut and see her painful reaction toward me? I want her to taste her own medicine! How can i say something to make her realised i get enough of her treatment?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (30 January 2018):
 OP I have truly lost count off how many times you have came to this site asking varieties off questions about your mother in law and your husband. Plenty off people have taken time out to guide you and answer you, including myself but you never seem to take anybodies advice. You are obviously not happy so you need to make the decision and do something about it, it is not healthy to be this unhappy all the time.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 January 2018):
 When I say don't be manipulated I meant don't let her get to you emotionally. Stay cool and detached. Misery needs company. Don't let her drag you down to her level because she's quite dysfunctional in western standards. Don't you have housemaids? Then what kind of house work you still have to do?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (27 January 2018):
Tell her if she's more cheerful and appreciative, then you will stay at her place more often.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): He works while i stayed at home. But i dont take any money from him as my family still provide for me. Thats because i understand as a start up he needs the money more than me to grow his business. We have some issues too. Each of us have "secret resentment" that going on years before. I think he has forgiveful personality and not kind of man who will get revenge by making me to taste my own medicine. I think his resentment to me is he feels doesnt get enough support, he thinks im a nag when i told him my problem and what bothers me, he thinks im not understanding by requesting him to take me out once a week. We seldom spent time together as couple. All his attention is to his business. So my resentment is we never have quality time, he never show interest in me again for sex or cuddling, he never bother about my whereabout without him. I think we just lose the connection and passion we use to have. We resent each other and it hurts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): Do you work? Does her son work? Combined, what is your take home salary?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2018): Jannie, at the first paragraph you said i shouldnt be manipulated and just ignore her frown and keep going home. But in the second paragraph you said i should help her with houshold duties. So i guess its a very oposite things to do. I honestly still thinks she is kind person. She has bad and unhappy relationship with my father in law but choose to stay with him eventhough he cheated in the past and abusive along their relationship. Actually my father in law is a very generous and caring person but maybe he feels lonely with her because she is always negative towards people. I never told her treatment to me to my family. I dont want my parent to worry about me and i keep this only with my friends. When i helped her around the house she never show her appreciation. Its like its my duty to serve her but she will speak nicely with her daughter. She is so self centered. She wnts me to serve them but doesnt allow her own daughter to experience the same. The next time she tell me to not go home everyday, how should i confront her?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 January 2018):
She didn't really mistreat you. She can be unpleasant due to her upbringing that had taught her to suck it up to people superior to her then act like a boss to people under her. You can't be manipulated if you don't allow it. Go visit your parents and ignore her frowns.
She spoiled her daughters because she doesn't want them to become just like her, a people pleaser. Have you thought that she wants you at home all the time because she actually likes you? For her, love is shown through servitude, not through gestures and consideration. You don't have to accept her way but at the same time be realistic that you can't change her because she's had many years of living an emotionally oppressed life to become the person she is today. She has a high sense of hierarchy, with her husband on top and all others are under her. With a generation gap, and a difference in your upbringing, it is hard for you to adjust when you grew up with equality among all people. All you can do is be supportive to your husband until you make enough money to move out. As long as you are under her roof, it is right that you help her out with household duties.
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