A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee is not speaking to me apart from to say she thinks we should break up. It all started the other day when we were going to a Sci Fi convention. She was ok to go with me but I could tell she was a bit bored. When we got home, I asked her if she had enjoyed it and she said she hadn’t really but didn’t mind going if I was happy. I told her that I had looked forward to this convention more than I was looking forward to our wedding and she went silent on me. Since then she has been crying and has barely spoken to me apart from to say she thinks we should not get married if that’s how I feel.She also found out that I watch porn when she goes to work on Saturdays. She said she didn’t mind the porn itself but I don’t have sex with her that much, maybe once a month and she has always wanted to do it more and she now says she feels like I do this behind her back and don’t care about how she feels or our relationship.I do care about her and love her and definitely don't want to lose her but I don’t see what is wrong with doing these things or why she is acting so upset and taking what I said about the convention so seriously. Anyone any ideas what I should say to her?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 December 2013):
 You write: "....but I don’t see what is wrong with doing these things or why she is acting so upset and taking what I said about the convention so seriously."
Do the girl a favor, and postpone the wedding until you DO "see what is wrong...."
The only thing you can "say" to your fiance, now, is: "You know, Hunchy-bunchy, I never realized what an ass I can be... and how badly I misunderstood how hurtful "just words" could be.... and how that could convey an unacceptable message, even if the speaker didn't realize what was the message that he was sending. What say that I spend the next six months or so growing up, and learning all that? ... and we hope that - if I DO "learn that" - that we can ressurrect our relationship and prospective marriage and go forward."
Good luck....
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 December 2013):
You are pretty clueless...
The marriage comment was unbelievably dumb, but you know that by now.
The real issue is that you watch porn more often than you have sex with your UNSATISFIED fiance. A good way to ruin a relationship is to disregard the sexual needs of your partner.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 December 2013):
 You really can't see why you've hurt her? You said you were looking forward to a convention more than spending your life with her. Dude you need to get your priorities in order!!! A gaming convention should not be more exciting to you than a marriage.
Also having sex once a month with your fiancée but having sex with your hand once a week? Do you not see the issue here? Because it is a biiiig issue. I recommend you look through this site a bit:
Http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
I think if you want to hold onto your fiancée some serious groveling and reflection is in order.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 December 2013):
 I'm a gamer and a sci-fi'er myself, but I think I would freak out if a guy ever told me that he was looking more forward to that than a wedding, which is a life-changing, life-altering rite of passage and celebration of us. I adore conventions so much, but a wedding is in another universe.
By your lack of libido (well, funneling it into porn) and saying this, you just told her you weren't into her. Her reaction to your words was absolutely right. I'd probably break up right there.
You're also really fortunate that she doesn't mind the porn, but having sex with her once per month while doing porn weekly? Are you serious?? She has needs too, buddy. Ignoring her to go run off and rub one off to silicone breast implants and simulated moaning like a wildebeest in heat is just stupid. Put two and two together, and I think you've lost your fiance.
Either get your head together, stop watching porn until your appetite for her has increased, and show her that she is the most important person in your life, or break up with her and enjoy your porn and your foot-in-mouth disease. A wedding for a woman is one of the apex events of her life as a couple. If you can't see that through her eyes, then you do not deserve her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Talk about FOOT - no FEET in mouth there!
MAN, you said the dumbest thing EVER to your fiance when you uttered that sentence.
EVEN if that is how you feel, that was jut plain DUMB.
SHE went to a SI-FI convention even if it was the most BORING thing in the world for her and she DID that for YOU. Only to have you put down HERS and YOU WEDDING. Dang, man...
I think if I were you, I would send flowers too, I would write her the BEST apology letter in existence. Give her a little space but let her know that you are willing to talk.
Like Caring Guy said, ASK her what you can do to PROVE that you DO care.
As for the porn. Well a LOT of guys watch porn it's not something new. BUT if your partner seemingly RATHER watch porn then have sexy time with their partner then IT IS a problem. It makes her feel LESS attractive, like she isn't good enough. And once a month? at your age? Sheesh.
You know the saying - Can't fix stupid? Not even with duct tape? Yea you are going to need a LOT AND LOT of duct tape to try and fix this one.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
 Arggh... oh wow both replies are good... both touch on important things.
As a gamer and a sci-fi freak and a woman who doesn't mind porn I'll jump in.
A wedding is not just a con.. it's not just A wedding for the BRIDE (and hopefully the groom) it is THE wedding.. THE ONE WEDDING TO UNITE THEM ALL so to speak. it's not just A wedding..it's YOUR wedding... and as such it should be the MOST important thing going for the bride and the groom.
now granted most grooms just kick back and let the bride have her way but that does NOT mean you should not be as excited by it as her...even if the event does not excite you the OUTCOME of the event is you now have your true love by your side as your wife legally and that alone should be the most exciting thing... and you say that a sci-fi con is more exciting. I'd not only be crying and breaking the engagement I'd not be speaking to you at all.... and I'm not that much of a girly girl.
You sadly blew it with your comment... I'm not sure how to fix it. IF it's TRUE then I think breaking the engagement may be the best thing. Especially if a date was not set yet.
As for the porn issue... if you are only having sex with her once a month... stop the porn on saturday mornings and instead wait for her to get home from work and watch it together... then make love to her.
problem solved.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): Ok IMAGINE a wedding as a scifi convention that has George Lucas Gene Roddenberry , all the cast from Firefly, Sir Patrick Stewart, George takei, and all the cast from star trek. Add on top of that the cast from star wars with all the princess leias and original c3po. That would only happen once in a life time right? It's the same for a wedding, that's how she views it, it is so important to her and it should be as important to you too seeing as you're getting married and about to spend the rest of your life together so you should be happy and excited about it. You really hurt her by saying that this convention, which wasn't a major major sci fi convention by any means (I know there hasn't been a really good one in years) is more exciting to you than your wedding is. That is hurtful. On top of this you watch porn and you only have sex with her once a month, to get her over this you're going to have to start with flowers, chocolates, a poem and MORE IMPORTANTLY, sex once a week AT LEAST. You're lucky she's ok with porn, that's great, so reward her with sex, be a man.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 December 2013):
Wow, I do have to say, that you telling her you were looking forward to that sci-fi convention more than your wedding must have hit her like a tonne of bricks. No wonder she feels dreadful. You might not heave meant it seriously, but she took it that way and that's all that really matters. I strongly suspect, also, that the porn has not helped things. You might not see anything wrong with it, but it sounds like she is hurt that you aren't or weren't being honest about it. I have to say, I've met only a handful of women that remotely like porn. Most I know simply don't.
I suppose the point of my post is this - you may not see anything wrong with what you've done. But she does. And that's what matters. For her to find out you're looking at porn behind her back, and then saying what you did about the wedding, must have hurt her badly. This is the woman you're supposed to love, and want to be with, and you said you preferred the sci fi convention to the wedding. Joke or not, that was a bad thing to say.
What you should be saying to her is that you are sorry for hurting her, because you have. And rather than trying to work out what to say, you'd be much better off asking her what you can do do prove that you actually care. Listen to what she says, and act on that. If you want to fix this, she is your answer. Get her talking about how she feels, and listen.
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A
female
reader, AcademicMoss +, writes (5 December 2013):
I just broke up with my boyfriend, of 3 years, today for being an insensitive jerk as well. You told your girlfriend that you looked forward to going to a convention more than marrying her, and you don't see why she got upset? Wow, men and women are DEFINITELY wired differently. Think about that for a little bit and maybe, just maybe, you'll understand how that made her feel.2nd - your girlfriend wants to make love to YOU more than once a month and you won't do it - but you watch porn on Saturday's when she's gone. Do you NOT see a problem there? God, I'd be annoyed to. If she leaves you, you only have yourself to blame for being so inconsiderate to her feelings and her needs.
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