A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 42 year old male who has been married for more than 20 years. I have always viewed my mother-in-law as meddlesome, but harmless. However, over the last 7 years (she is mid-70s now) she is experiencing signs of dementia. She can't pay her bill on time, she loses track of time, and so on. At the same time she has had some great personal losses including her mother and sister - both of which she was extremely close to and spoke to daily.My wife and I have tread lightly given the losses my m-i-l has had, but my wife finally decided to move her closer to us. She now lives rent-free on a property we bought as an investment while we try to resolve her financial matters. She *should* have a good income but because of mismanagement (mostly because she has filed her income tax wrong the last 7 years - probably both on accident and on purpose) she really has no other options because her retirement income is being garnished such that she now only receives 25% of it. Her own home is in foreclosure and she is behind on all bills. We have been trying to help her since August but it is draining - financially and emotionally. She is completely self-centered and believes that because she is the MOTHER she is owed something. Our savings is getting closed to depleted paying for upgrades to the house (we never intended to have a tenant there) while we help her with her taxes. Eventually, she should be able to pay us back and then some. She SAYS she will. However, so far we have not seen a dime even as she spends what little money she has on (what we see as) frivolities. It would be nice if she offered to reimburse us SOMETHING instead of worrying about not having a coffee table. Her cell phone is now being disconnected because she hasn't paid that and she ignored warnings she was going over her data limit. The bill is now $800! The electric bill is $300 because she runs the heat all the time. She SAYS she will pay it, but the reality is she has no means. My wife and I feel like we are spiraling downward with her. I am at the point where I am going to tell her I am not paying for anything else and what will be will be. We are willing to help her with the taxes and eventually (3 months maybe?) she will get her full income with any luck. If that happens she will make the same as we do and can hopefully start paying us back. However, she has never offered to do so. What she has promised is that she will pay to upgrade the house but in many ways that is really just for her. I don't need the house upgraded as much as I need the money back. I also need her to be less selfish.My wife drinks a lot. Her health is really suffering because of this situation with her mom. Her blood pressure is extremely high even though it used to typically read low to normal. Her mom is oblivious to all of this because all she thinks about is herself. Oh, she thinks she is concerned, but she is just so detached from reality she can't see how bad things are. Her mom gets on her case and says how disgusted she is with her at her drinking, but the reality is that she drinks BECAUSE of her mom - who, by the way, is addicted to prescription painkillers. Somehow, I guess that is better. This is not my family so I really feel like I can't speak up. My wife really wants me to sometimes. Other times, she and her mom make nice. I am really wary about getting between them. What I can say is that her mom is driving me crazy and bankrupting us at the same time. I just want to unload on her. At the same time I do respect she is my wife's mom and that she is not mentally well herself. What can we do? I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): it sounds like dementia is playing the part in your mother in laws behavior. I don't understand how her phone bill is so high, it may be better to buy a throw away phone where you pay a flat fee each month4 unlimited talk and text. also, if she is having a hard time managing her money, which it sounds like she is, it might be a good idea to get her a payee who will manage her finances for her. it will be hard to get her to agree to this and it will be harder to get her to agree to the next idea I have. my next idea is assisted living. of course, she has rights. she may need to talk to you A medical doctor or a psychologist to get a diagnosis of dementia or at least a recommendation to assisted living. it sucked to put my dad into assisted living but it's not so bad. he has his own room with his own bed and private bathroom and he can do what he wants with no curfew, although they did take his car, but some residents do have their cars. I forgot if you said if she drove or not. the idea here is that for my dad, and probably your mother in law, they have a great deal of privacy, sort of like a college dorm. they are encouraged to go to breakfast lunch and dinner, which is provided, they have nurses dispense medicine and they have 24 hour on site nurses just in case and they are encouraged to go to classes, groups, and activities in the home and to have visitors and to see family whenever they want. your mother in law will only have that outside help if she needs it from professional who are not emotionally attached and you can still help her out without draining your finances. I don't know the laws where you live, but they should base it on her incomethis way, I think that will relieve some of the burden on all of you and then you can enjoy her as a person and she can still be as independent as possible. God bless
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 December 2015):
 Your money is being used to support your mother in law so you have a say, however you and your wife need to be on the same page.
It is very generous of you to provide housing to your mother in law, rent free.
If she cannot manage to stay within her income with regard to phone bills and others, then she needs to go without a phone.
Also, you need to put some sort of documentation in place which will ensure you WILL be repaid for the money already outlayed, with some sort of payment plan in place.
I don't know what you can do with utilities such as the electricity, maybe threaten her with a council flat or old people's home if she doesn't manage her finances better.
She is your wife's mother and as such should be looked after, but this does not mean she should be abusing your good nature nor does it mean she doesn't have to take some responsibility for herself.
I am assuming your wife is an only child with no siblings available to help you out, however, if there are siblings it is more important than ever to ensure you have documented all you have outlayed, and any reimbursement your mother in law has said she will pay you back.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 December 2015):
 Stop. How much longer does this situation have to continue? Until you and your wife are bankrupt and homeless too?
Your mother in law cannot manage her finances nor her life. She is effectively homeless. And an examination of her finances may also reveal that she is bankrupt.
By allowing her to move into the rental home you are prolonging the agony and putting your own finances at risk. Your mother in law will continue to manipulate those around her and hold her hand out for the next hand-out. You are enabling her to not be responsible by "helping" her out.
Money goes through her hands like water and she does not want to face the reality of the situation.
Suggest that your wife and mother in law attend the Doctors for a full medical for your mother in law and get a capacity test done. I suspect that your mother in law is approaching the early stages of dementia.
Dementia can look like selfishness but in reality there is just no understanding left about what is reality and what is not.
Your mother in law is now parked in a property that should be earning you an income. Instead you will now receive No income from your mother in law and you will still have to pay all the outgoings for the property.
At 70 I would expect that at 70 it is reasonable to expect that her mother would have passed away by now. And at 70 it is reasonable to expect that perhaps at least one sibling of your mother in law has already passed away. This is what happens in life. It is not an excuse to be a complete spendthrift and use other people and manipulate other people.
Your mother in law is an adult and she is responsible for her own expenditure (IF she has capacity) and if she does not have capacity then she should not be handling the finances and you should not be paying her accounts. Your mother in law will need to find suitable accommodation that is affordable for her and that does not mean FREE for her.
If she is bankrupt then face the music and get that over and done with. At the moment she is just financially limping from day to day. And slowly she is dragging you down into the same abyss she is sinking into.
Your own wife's health needs to be a higher priority. Soon you may have additional expenditure required if your wife's health is not attended to pronto. The alcohol is not helping and I suspect the worry your mother in law causes is aggravating your wife's medical condition. And causing stress for you and your wife. High blood pressure is a serious issue.
Speak to the Doctor about what options are possible in respect to budget aged care for a person with dementia. someone else will need to manage your mother in law's finances and your mother in law may need the protection of bankruptcy so she can move forward.
You have been a good son in law for 20 years and your wife has been a good daughter all her life.
Is there anyone else in the family who can help out with your mother in law's care if an aged care facility is not an option?
I think you have done enough to help and it is time the load was shared. I am not a great fan of aged care facilities but due to the manipulation and toxicity of your mother in law and your wife's health I think in this instance only aged care in a facility will suffice.
Once your mother in law's finances are put in order a budget will need to be determined and it may be that she will have to put up with a set allowance per week and perhaps a pre-paid phone only.
Time to stop this madness from ruining your marriage ruining your wife's health and ruining your finances and ruining your life.
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