A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband's friends makes me feel uncomfortable. We just hit our 1yr anniversary and it seems throughout it all our major disagreement has been about the company he keeps.Majority of his friends are into fraud and bad business. I have checked my hubby to see if he is into such but he is a clean guy. Why he chooses the worst company to be around.I just dont get it. The one particular one i have a problem with is married but his family are overseas. He has slew of girlfriends around. If his wife is ok with that good luck. I'm not particularly insecured but some of my husbands actions and not caring of my feelings are questionable. For instance he constantly raves about a particular young single girl that comes around his friend. It almost seem like a crush. He compliments beautiful women all day long but i get none. He gets really geeky happy to go hang out with his friend knowing the environment makes me feel uncomfortable. Why is a married man hanging around a fraudster that flirts with multiple women? Yesterday, he told me he was going out to help a friend fill out an application. When he came back he told me the friend didnt answer his phone so he went to see his fraudster friend instead to return a shirt at the store. My instinct immediately picked up a lie. When we took a walk in the evening he inadvertently mentioned he was with the fraudster friend and four women. And one was complimenting him that he was more handsome. Honestly i tried to play it cool and our 1hr walk was silent the entire walk. Got home prepared dinner and tucked baby in bed and went to bed. Haven't heard from him. Im hurt because he lied. Im more hurt that he is now hiding things from me and ignoring my feelings.I dont want to be that controlling wife by telling him who he should be friends with. He knows better. It's really dissapointing to see such an educated man be in the midst of wrong friends. He sees them as regular people with hardship. He hid this part of him while we dated. Now i feel like he wants me to just deal with it. Friends, but he insist that he doesn't like to be corrected and that he has taken cautionary measures to not bring them to our home and he will not stop talking to them because he needs them for business.He wants me to trust him but i just can't with the lies and inappropriateness of married men flirting.How can i fix this situation. Its taking a toll on our marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is really funny. I signed tax papers with him already. What does that mean? I'm beginning to really feel some kind of way here. I only known this man for 6mths and got married 4mths later. We sure moved too fast as you can see. As far as his business its legitimate. He sells used cars online and seeking employment now that his work permit has arrived.I agree with the person who said he just still wants to get the single man vibe now that he is married. Well i don't judge but it's not a good recipe for a new marriage. Especially if he seems to be thrilled by it all. I just can only hope he won't follow suite but if i was a grown man focused on a brighter future i will tend to want to roll with the right circle. Anytime he goes visit this guy there are single girls there. Just one day he will fall. Temptation is not too far. One got to distance themself from such environment. Don't you think?I remember when we first discussed why he talks to his friends on the phone like he is single, he said because he doesn't want them to see him as weak or uncool so he tells them what they want to hear so he can still do business with them. I'm dissapointed because he is such a strong willed guy. How does he now succomb to such pressure to still be seen as cool.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2016): Where are you staying with him? I guess cause you got a baby? Look the man has decided he isome kind of gangster, so you got to decide if you want to be married to a gangster because that's his new deal. He doesn't want to talk about it he doesn't want to see anybody about it well I guess it's up to you. Like I told another young lady earlier today life ain't fair. You got to do what you got to do to keep your baby safe. Don't sign any income tax papers together. Go to H&R Block or one of them tax preparers and get your self financially apart from this gangster want to be. And see a divorce lawyer as soon as you can, because this is not going to end well. Might as well be prepared for it. Come on you know he fishy, you know he a liar, you no he with guys who are on young women like a duck on a June bug.
Do you really need this spelled-out? Look at your baby and prepare.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 April 2016):
 So if therapy is out of the question and he won't listen -- what exactly can you expect as far as a solution here? And more importantly, what does this say about the man you married and your relationship with him?
I think there is significantly way more going on here than his friends. And I think too, you are getting a much better sense of exactly who you married and that worries you.
While he may not want to go to therapy / counseling, I would still recommend YOU go. And even let him know you are going.
I think a therapist can help you determine:
1) Whether this marriage is healthy for you and whether you want to invest more time / energy into it
2) What you can do to make things better. Unfortunately you can't change your husband, but you can change the way you react to him.
3) Learn to better communicate with your husband in a way that perhaps you haven't tried.
You really have to be proactive here and hoping / wishing the problem(s) disappear isn't going to make them any easier. Honestly, the first step you should take is seeing a therapist -- even for a few sessions -- and even on your own -- to sort things out.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 April 2016):
 If your husband's business is above board, why does he need these people?
"he will not stop talking to them because he needs them for business."
To me that makes no sense. No business sense either. Unless you see then as MORALLY bad company, not petty criminals etc.
I think it comes down to a few things. One is trust. He isn't really helping himself OR you with this as he lies. He think that by lying he won't get in trouble, but end up in more trouble..
You married this guy, so there HAS to be some kind of trust here (I presume) and I would ALSO presume that you KNOW his character well enough to know that him hanging out with a "promiscuous" and "confirmed bachelor" doesn't mean that your husband acts the same way as this guy. Maybe one of the reasons he likes hanging out with him is to be able to "love the single life vicarious through the friend" while still being a faithful husband.
Let me ask you this, IF you had a female friend who did escort work to pay for college - would THAT make you an escort too for being her friend? My guess is no - so why presume that your husband is being influenced to do "bad" things because of this friend.
Or maybe it comes down to compatibility, that you married a guy you didn't know as well as you thought. And now, a year after the wedding HIS true nature is shining through and you don't like what you see.
Is this a deal breaker or not? That is up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm therapy definitely will never work. He won't cooperate. Talking to him won't work. I can no longer fathom the idea that i may no longer be fun to be around when all he brought to my life was problems. I was a fun loving lady. He's the one with the million issues that killed my fire.
I don't think i understand men and how we are just supposed to accept whatever so to save our marriage. Why is it not a man's job as well?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 April 2016):
Sorry to hear that you are going through this.
There are a couple of things here:
1) Sometimes guys, maybe like your husband, like to hang around with the bad guys because it makes them feel independent. While they may not participate in the shenanigans, it makes them feel like men. It also may be something of a "cool" factor -- these are the bad asses of high school and they are letting him into their inner circle.
2) Birds of a feather usually flock together.
3) I hate to break it to you, but even married guys like to look and most will make remarks to their friends about women. That is how we bond - we tend to be driven by visuals. Most can keep it under control -- we can appreciate what we see without acting on it. A man becomes boorish when he is in a relationship and openly compares you with others. There is a difference between flirting with them and talking amongst guys, however. And from the sounds of it, his buddies have taken it to the next level.
4) Every married man has a story of hardship and woe. No marriage and no partner is perfect and the way you make things better is to address the problem rather than bury it and hide it.
Personally, I think your husband is playing with fire. Eventually he is going to be tempted to try and get away with it, just like his friends are. If he sees all the benefits they are getting (extra sex on the side) he may be tempted to try his luck too -- especially as the sex dwindles and other problems crop up in your relationship.
Telling your husband outright not to associate with his friends will only make him defensive and make him feel like you don't trust him. And you are correct, you will come off as a nag / controller.
I think the solution maybe to tell him how you feel and that you are worried. Explain to him your fears and that you don't like what he has become. And tell him the biggest fear you have is you losing him and the future you have planned together -- that if / when things go bad, that you'll lose him to a floozy. He might not have to totally disassociate with his friends but perhaps dial it back on the when and wheres and set certain boundaries.
Also be sure that your house is one that he wants to come home to. Many women make their husband's lives miserable the minute they walk in the door from work. And it becomes no surprise that men avoid coming home. Look and see what drives your husband out to associate with these people. Perhaps he feels he has nothing in common with you or that you aren't fun.
Finally, you may find it useful to see a therapist on your own. They may offer further insight and tools to help you sort out the situation. If you can enlist your husband to go as well that might help as well. Communication is key, especially in the first year of marriage.
Unfortunately, too, you may be learning there is a bad side to your husband -- one that you may have blinders on during the courtship era. It may be worthwhile to take a second, hard look at him now that you know him better.
Eddie
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