A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a very pressing problem in my relationship. Up to now I've been trying to ignore it since I feel concentrating on it too much will just make it worse, and I think my boyfriend is completely denying it, but I would really appreciate some advice about how to communicate with him about it. It's about our sex life... everything is generally fine and he makes an effort to please me, and we both agree we've had the best sex of our lives with each other. These problems are not always there! But... when things go wrong sometimes in our relationship, when we've been arguing, sex becomes a power struggle between us. I hate feeling like I have to fight him in the bedroom, because I think that's where love is expressed, not anger and contempt. The anger, even (or especially) when suppressed, makes the sex unsatisfying for me...physically and emotionally.More specifically the problems are: 1. I don't feel like having sex with him when we've been fighting, because I need time to get over being upset. The sex just feels so empty and depressing and emotionally unsatisfying to me, when we're still half angry with each other. Also, sometimes when I'm ill or in pain, or I'm sore from too much, I don't feel like it. The problem is, if I ever turn him down even if it's for a good reason, he makes me feel really guilty. He turns away angrily, or sulks, or reminds me that he's never denied me when I wanted it. So what, he wants me to just suffer through it? He wants to turn sex into a chore for me? How can he even enjoy it if he knows I'm in pain? The most upsetting thing is that I start having paranoid thoughts...even after rejecting him once, I start thinking what if he thinks I don't appreciate him, and starts looking for it elsewhere? He is faithful to me and loves me a lot and I know this has to do with my own insecurity and fear of abandonment...but he is also triggering these feelings of insecurity in me by guilt-tripping me. Of course once these thoughts enter my head I can forget about any kind of satisfaction for myself.2. I don't like the way my boyfriend initiates sex sometimes. When we're lying in bed, or talking, he may simply take my hand and put it on his penis. This is such a turn-off to me! Am I supposed to be turned on just by the feel of his penis? I think it's really arrogant of him to think that way. And it makes me feel used, like I'm just a hand, or a mouth, or a vagina, not an actual person with feelings and desires of my own. If he wants it, I wish he'd touch me first and talk to me, instead of just assuming that by pleasing him, I'm getting turned on! I'm not a machine, I need some attention too. He's proud, and I don't want to offend him, so how can I tell him what I want him to do without making him all defensive? 3. I feel that he's selfish...when it comes to oral sex. I know he doesn't like doing it, though he says he does sometimes, but then how is it that he assumes I love to do it for him? I do like to, sometimes, but most of the time it's a favour I'm doing for him, and I may pretend to like it because I know that's what turns him on. But if he gives me oral sex, he definitely doesn't put in that extra effort!! When rarely he takes the plunge, I usually tell him to stop because I don't enjoy seeing him suffer, it completely defeats the point as it turns me off. It also makes me angry as he's all "disgusted" for the exact same thing that he tells me to do for him all the time thinking I love it! I don't tell him to do it anymore, because I know he doesn't like to, but he has no problem telling me to do it for me! And then if I say no, we go back to problem number 1. I just want peace between us... I find that when I'm thinking about these things, I can't really let go, I don't enjoy the sex and it's not fulfilling to me, which leads to further tension in our relationship. But I know telling him all these things will just make things worse, because he'll think I never enjoy it, that he's not pleasing me...that's not true! It's only sometimes that I feel used and unsatisfied, and like he's being selfish. I think he just doesn't know what I want him to do, and I need to find a way to tell him. I want to be the centre of attention sometimes too- as often as he is. I want to feel desired- I want him to look at me, touch me, talk to me...more than he does. I want him to do it more gently and more tactfully. I want him to be more understanding and stop making me feel guilty. Most of all I want the sex between us to be loving and trusting.Any advice will be appreciated!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow I didn't expect so much good advice!! Thanks everyone...
First of all I agree that there's a communication problem between my boyfriend and myself, the issue being that when trying to have a mutually compassionate discussion it all too quickly turns into a full on fight!! My anger comes out, I become accusing and he becomes defensive, then shuts himself off and becomes silent while fuming inside, and later we may or may not be able to discuss the issue again more maturely, calmly and compassionately. I hope we'll eventually learn to get rid of the whole middle part of that and just skip to being calm mature. We're working on it...
PeterPan, I agree there's an imbalance with one or both of us sometimes being either too selfish or selfless. I haven't been completely fair in painting his picture in my first rant, I should say that he doesn't always guilt-trip me if I reject his advances, sometimes he simply says ok, but I still feel guilty, and paranoid, which may have more to do with my own insecurities. I wrote what I wrote this morning when I was feeling really angry and frustrated about the whole thing, but it seems that even after getting it out anonymously here I felt better! As I went out for the day and thought about things I began to see it more from his perspective as well. I'm going to try to be more open with him about what I feel and want as you say.
hijacked dignity, I think you also have some really good advice. It helps to see things from the other person's point of view...to be honest, I've sometimes got mildly upset about things like him being too tired to give me a massage, which I suppose is similar. I guess you're right, he may not really be making me feel guilty when I say no to him, but I feel guilty already. It stems from my insecurity and paranoia that if he can't get it from me he'll think he's somehow justified to get it somewhere else. It makes no sense, since that would be reducing our relationship to sex, and assuming that he has absolutely no understanding or compassion for the reasons I have to say no to him. I don't know why this is something I worry about. I love him and maybe I put too much pressure on myself to please him.
About no.2, I don't care about it sometimes but other times it really does turn me off, and when I'm turned off I tend to feel like moving to the other room, not just to another approach. But I suppose next time, I'll say something, and try to be gentle about it. You're right in rationalising that it's not just about pleasing him, I do enjoy the sex too, and I'll remember that next time!!
no. 3...it's not that I totally pretend for his sake. Sometimes I do actually enjoy it. Other times I'm tired, have things on my mind, but still want to please him. I may pretend a little just to speed things up (meaning being a bit more enthusiastic about it than I am...not going too far faking orgasms or moans etc). Going for something else is not really an option, hand alone will not satisfy, and if for some reason I can't have sex, this is the only way. What he says about giving me oral sex is that it's different from when I do it for him because there are more fluids involved, he never directly says he finds it disgusting, or that he doesn't like it. When I ask him, he says he likes to do it sometimes. But also, he never did it for anyone before (it's also a cultural taboo for him I think) and when he does it for me, he doesn't know how...he's very careful about it, clearly not into it at all, so I don't enjoy it anyway. I'm uncomfortable about instructing him to do it differently, in case that's crossing his boundaries. And I don't want to always have to tell him to do it. But I know it's not fair that I'm expected not only to do it for him, but to put my all into it, while he can opt out of doing the same for me... again I suppose I'll have to talk to him about it. It's not always a problem, because since I don't enjoy it when he does it, I don't miss it too much either- actually it only becomes a problem when I feel pressured to do it for him more than I would like to.
Honeygirl...it's not that he's never understanding about me being stressed, sick, etc. The situation is that we're in a long distance relationship right now, have been for the past 3 months. Things were generally ok in that sense (problem no.1) when he was here, but when I went to see him for 6 days, I guess he had high expectations and thought all his needs and desires would be fulfilled (same for me probably). But I can only enjoy so much before getting sore, and then I take time to heal. When all is well in our relationship, and we're spending enough time together, I can talk to him about my worries etc and he supports me and then we may or may not proceed naturally to sex anyway as you say. He does sulk sometimes but I'm hoping it's minor and this problem will be resolved with more communication.
I do initiate sex much of the time, have a high sex drive and I wonder if that's why he thinks feeling his penis will just turn me on wherever, whenever! But for some reason, when I touch him myself I feel turned on, when he makes me touch him I'm turned off. Now I'm thinking he may just be confused about this. I suppose I just want to have the power...
He tells me what he likes and how he likes it when I give him oral all the time. But I don't feel that I have the same freedom to do so with him. I wonder if anything more than using the tip of his tongue would be too much for him. I don't want him to feel disgusted. But now with your advice I feel more confident to try coaching him a little more next time...maybe bit by bit..he may even start to like it (wishful thinking)
finally lilmmissmuffet, I think I was not completely fair on my boyfriend in my first post, I did make him sound like someone too immature to accept any criticism, and maybe as self-absorbed. Yes he does become defensive with criticism especially about his "performance" and especially if I don't phrase things well (calling him selfish didn't work). But he does take my comments on board. And he does focus on me and wants to please me, and he does, sometimes...actually he's pleased me much more than anyone else has bothered to. But other times it's all about him and I feel invisible. To be honest I don't know if it's because of him, or because of me. Probably a bit of both...and probably we both need to be more understanding. I don't think he's the only one who needs to change his behaviour and thinking.
A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (19 June 2009):
 While reading all that, there was one thought that popped into my mind immediately. It's an old adage that I have personally discovered to be true: never go to bed angry. Further, or more specifically in your case, don't go to bed without ALL the issues resolved and not harboring some suppressed emotion unexpressed. I think that's good advice for anyone...
The next general observation from all this is that perhaps the two of you need to tune up your communication skills. It seems that one, the other, or both of you are approaching your relationship too much from the "what's in it for me" side of things. Sure, the "ideal" relationships are partners giving equally... when you find one, let me know... but even the rest of us that still live on the surface of the planet can learn from those that soar in the clouds. Getting back, to the communication issue, perhaps it might help for both of you to look at things from the other partner's point-of-view -- a more compassionate look at the problems. So, I would ask, have you tried that? ...has he?
It's clear that when there are still issues that haven't been fully resolved, a sexual encounter would definitely be difficult, at best. With all that clutter in your head, it's hard to concentrate on each other's pleasures, as well as your own. Like I said before, you need to resolve all the outstanding problems before trying to get intimate. If they can't be solved, then agree to discuss it someplace/sometime later -- in fact, set in stone when you're going to discuss it... once that's done, clear your mind of it and don't dwell on it. On the pain issue... well, to me that's just an example of how he's being dispassionate about you as a person. Perhaps that's speaking to his emotional maturity as well.
I had started to answer your questions point-by-point... but, I really think that you two need to get a better sense of communicating between yourselves. Sometimes it's good to be selfish... sometimes it's good to be selfless. The problem seems that you have an imbalance between you. I think that you would both better served to have a compassionate conversation on each other's expectations and desires openly and honestly. Unless you've discussed some of the issues you've mentioned here directly to him, how is he going to know what you think? ...let alone, know what you want?
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (19 June 2009):
 Wow. Ok. The thing about sex is that it's like everything else in a relationship. Communication communication communication! It sounds like there is an issue with this however, because he tends to get sulky when you bring up sex while you're not actually in the act. I hope I can help you a little, because I am just like your boyfriend in a few ways. Hahaha. Let's start with each question.1. I can understand how you feel about 'angry' sex right after you have a fight. I think that in my relationship personally, I initiate things more just because I'm ALWAYS in the mood, except right after we get into a fight. I'd rather him just cuddle with me and assure me that everything is going to be ok (even though I know it will be, it's nice to have someone telling you). You really need to tell him that you aren't ready to have sex yet after a fight. Maybe later. But just not then. And you need to stand your ground. He can't guilt you into anything if you don't feel guilty in the first place. Some people just need their time, and he will eventually understand that. Though I have personally made the mistake of feeling rejected, even when I try to initiate sex while my boyfriend is sick. I felt useless and unattractive, which might be the same complex that your boyfriend goes through. After a week or two of this going on, I finally became really upset and told him how I felt. I think I even was lame enough to attempt to guilt him into things. He stood his ground however and explained that when he's sick he just can't enjoy sex. All the while he gave me a hug and assured me that it was nothing to do with me. Maybe you need to take this approach. Stand your ground, but make an attempt verbally to assure him that you DO appreciate him. Denying him while you are sick or upset will not lead him to cheat (it didn't to me!). And if it does, the guy has serious issues and really isn't mature enough for a girlfriend right now. Be more secure! He wants YOU and is with YOU. And apparently he wants sex. A lot. Which is a good sign. He's definitely into you. 2. Bah. I actually like it when my boyfriend does that to me sometimes. I think it's really hot. It makes me want to get him off. And I do get really turned on by pleasing my guy, and the more turned on I get, the more enjoyable it is when it's his turn to make me a happy camper. When your guy just puts your hand on his penis, I don't think he's assuming that you're just there to please him. I mean, sex is enjoyable to you too, right? And unfortunately, most guys don't know too much about the 'romantic' approach. Or they are just way too lazy to try it. But you can't help your feelings! And if this really does bother you and you can't get over it, then I would say something next time he does this. I mean it's ok that he does this every once in a while, it's just a different way to initiate. But all the time? I would pull my hand away and ask to go slow and to make it last. Then throw in something sexy. That way you are showing that you want him, just in a different way. Be gentle about it too, because changing sex habits can be a little hard. Not to mention if it's done wrong, it can be hurtful. 3. This one I think you are completely handling the wrong way. You should never 'pretend' that you like something for the sake of your partner. You should be up front about it if you feel uncomfortable or 'disgusted'. That way they know straight away instead of pretending for a while and then suddenly breaking the news. That will make things a lot worse to adjust to. If you don't want to give him oral sex when he asks for it, then I would simply go for something else. Or maybe you need to have a talk to him about. If he is willing to give your oral sex, the he must not hate it too much. Though if he is complaining and rolling his eyes and giving you a hard time about it, then you have a problem. That is very immature. If he expects you to give him oral, than he shouldn't have a problem with returning the issue. Maybe it's all in your head that he hates it. Does he tell you he is disgusted? Then I would just say back that you don't enjoy giving oral either. And that maybe neither of you should do it. Again, it'll be a lot harder on him because all this time, he thought you enjoyed it. Which isn't really fair. Next time, you should be up front from the very beginning. Say that it makes you feel bad that you are expected to do one thing while can openly say how disgusted he is with the same thing. That isn't fair. I mean what if you said how disgusted you were by him initiating sex the way he does? It would hurt. So the moral of the story, you need to:A) Stop feeling so insecure to the point in which you think if you don't do something, he's going to cheat. That's simply not true. And if the slim crazy chance that he does, at least you're rid of him. B) Stop pretending you like something when you don't. This guy has obviously been up front about what he likes, so that gives you the clear to do the same exact thing. C) Start communicating what you want. He doesn't know unless you tell him, and he certainly can't read your mind.I hope this has helped a little bit. Everyone is entitled to their opinion when it comes to their own personal sex life. That's why it's yours! Let it be known and things will definitely work out for you. That's what being in a relationship is about. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 June 2009):
 Okay, it sounds like the two of you have some communication problems.... it also sounds like your bf is immature.... If you are sick, stressed etc the last thing on your mind is sex.... and he needs to understand that you are not rejecting him because you dont love him, its because you really dont feel like sex because of certain circumstances.
I do understand that if you are angry with him, you dont want make-up sex, but some of us react differently.... you maybe need time to cool off whereas he needs make-up sex after an argument.
Maybe the reason why he takes your hand and puts it on his penis is trying to get you to initiate sex.. A lot of women expect the man to always initiate sex, its a two way street, so perhaps think about initiating sex sometimes.
As far as oral sex goes, some men are clueless you have to tell them what you like and how you like it! It is the same for you giving him oral, he needs to tell you what he likes and how he likes it. It surely should become more pleasurable to both of you.
And last but not least, I suspect that there are problems within you relationship that need to be addressed as these problems are affecting your sex life, hence back to communication.
When I am not in the mood for sex and my partner is, I explain to him why I feel the way I am feeling or tell him what a dreadful day I have had.. invariably he then wants to just hold me, which feels so good, which then leads to great sex. This has only come about because we talk about it. No sulking if one or other partner doesnt want sex, but good honest open communication can solve a lot of problems.
Hope this helps!
Honeygirl
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A
female
reader, lilmmissmuffet +, writes (19 June 2009):
 I'm afraid there is nothing, short of turning your man into someone else that you can actually do on this one.There seems to be a communication block between you, that shouldn't be there in a fully balanced relationship. Why should you have to tip-toe around his ego so carefully? Is he not adult enough to accept the consequences of his own actions? Is he not mature enough to accept criticism?Why shouldn't you be able to say 'sorry honey, but if you want that played with, you'd better get me interested first' when he puts your hand on his penis?A lover who was focused on you, as much as on himself, would love pleasuring you, the man you describe is a self absorbed narcissist who will never really be cabable of the give and take you seem to need.Only he can change him, and he has no reason to do that while someone like you will stay, love him, and accept the way he is. People only really change when they suffer as a result of their own actions, and even then some never do.
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