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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I desperately need help with this so forgive me for making it such a long essay of a statement. Before I lay my dilemma down before your eyes, I must ask that you don't judge me too harshly. Yes I know who I am, yes I have many good friends, no I do not I just cannot take my mind off of this.It's been about a year since this started and sadly enough, it started with a dream. More a nightmare really than a dream.The dream was this: I was standing next to a young woman, beautiful dark-skinned woman, long wavy ebon hair and a kind face. We were standing next to a warehouse hiding from terrorists or gang members, I'm not entirely sure what they were. But in the dream, I knew they had kidnapped my young daughter whom, I never actually see in this horrid nightmare. I forget what happened between some fighting and escape attempts but somehow we find out that these 'gang member' demand that I allow them to rape my wife. Somehow my wife and I end up within the warehouse and we think we see our young daughter. and we rush down to her but as we near her, we realize that this is just a doll. My wife gives up and declares that she is willing to let them take her to get our daughter back. I hate it and I tell her that I would rather die than let them take her, abuse her and hurt her. She reminds me that our daughter's life is at stake and hesitantly, I give in. We both hug for a long time and then leave. I don't remember exactly what happens next, apparently in the dream I blacked out and woke up to seeing my wife in a strange canister, filled to the brim with water. Her body is completely bare but her arms and legs are good cover. From what I could tell, she was dead and I pull out a gun, firing at every single thug in that place. All but one die. The one gets away and a bullet hits a nuclear missile and I die but that thug still gets away.That was the dream. It affected me deeply and I suppose, to those willing to help me, you will need more background information.For six years during secondary school, I had strong feelings for this girl, someone whom I had never really had a proper conversation with except for over MSN. Those feelings grew and grew until finally I asked her out and she said no. She was kind about it, friendly, she didn't like hurting people. But I was hurt anyway, you see, I had been going through depression. I felt so dark and distant from everyone. I had turned from a friendly guy to a cold-hearted, dark jerk around school. Everyone was afraid to go near me because of the way I walked, the way I talked to everyone. For some reason, I enjoyed being feared even though deep down I knew that I needed a friend to talk to about everything. This girl had affected me so much so that I started contemplating suicide and for what? I just wanted this girl to see me. I now realize that this whole thing was a 'limerence'. But it hurt me and it tore me apart. I started thinking cruel thoughts about myself, hating the reflection in the mirror. For a whole year, I had avoided looking at myself in the mirror, I hated the ugly boy looking back at me. Eventually, I started speaking to myself, it wasn't another personality, just an expression of another side of me. I cannot truly explain what it was without sounding like more of a freak. I even gave this voice a name.Eventually I came to terms with the harshness of life, I ended these delusions of love I had for this girl. After all the darkness and pain I went through I vowed, should I ever truly in love with a woman, I would treat her with love, I would cherish every moment with her, I promised myself that I would make her smile everyday. Skip a few months to this strange dream. Suddenly this young woman become the object of my heart's desire and no matter how hard I tried, I just could not let it go. It is relevant and you must know that I do believe that there is a god. Mind you, I cannot put my religion into a category. I do not believe in the words writted in the Bible, though I find inspiration within it's pages I do not believe that man could possibly know of the thoughts of god, nor the meaning of god's words. I believe that god is a benevolent force of this universe's nature. Unbiased and all-loving.I place faith in my dream of marrying such a beautiful woman. She is my heart's fantasy and my mind's faith. Because of this faith, I have become a much better person than I ever was before. I am kind towards my friends, I show kindness even towards those who bare hatred towards me and I feel things now that I never felt before, sadness for the tragic, sympathy for the wounded and love for the joyful and all so that God may grant me my one wish in life. I pray everyday that God might see me as worthy enough, deserving enough to meet such a woman. A part of me knows that such a thing is unlikely but I still hope. I can't let that hope go or else I would feel nothing. I fear that I would revert back to that cruel boy I was. But I know that this fantasy of mine is somehow unhealthy and hopeless but I can't let it go. Everytime I fail, everytime I get angry and I hurt someone, I feel like I've ruined everything and I somehow grow confident that I will die alone, partly because I have grown emotionally loyal to a figment of my imagination and partly because I just can't be that good of a human being.I haven't told any of my friends this, even my best friend. No one knows about this problem of mine. But I need help from someone, please tell me, What can I do to help myself? I feel like my mind, my heart and my soul have been mutilated into a monstrosity of a mess. I need to do something about this. Now all my emotions are at extremes, when I feel sadness, I can't stop crying out of hatred, when I feel anger, I become cruel towards everyone, even my own family. I hate it all but I love needing it! I pray for forgiveness and I love the thought of God as someone who watches over me and guides me with love and compassion. I need it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is the OP.
No! I do not want to meet a woman only to watch her die. Don't you understand that her death was only a part of the nightmare?
But you are right. I am obsessing over a dream, even though I know how foolish it is to have formed hope that I could ever meet the woman in my dream. Because, believe it or not, whether it is god or pure coincidence, I keep seeing signs that I should keep hoping, I see it in names, people, places, incidences. At my job I meet people everyday and for some reason, only after this dream do I ever meet people similar to her but different somehow, as if it is just a sign for me to wait.
Take that for what you will but do not tell me that I need professional help, it has never assisted me in the past. I throw money at them only so they can drag out my suffering and remind me of my tarnished past.
It seems no one on this site can assist me. No one understands it, they few who read this problem and pass it off as the machinations of a boy with no life, they could never hope to understand it.
I thank you all for at least trying.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): I'm finding this hard to understand. What do you want exactly? In this dream your wife dies? You want to fall in love with this "dream" woman and for her to die? You are obsessesing about a DREAM, sorry but it sounds like you need professional help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): This problem goes far beyond a simple abundance of free time or lack of social activities. These trail of thoughts are a flurry of pain, even when I am with my friends, when I do anything, watch Television, go watch a movie with my friends, randomly complete old textbook questions from school, explore new places with my best friend or just talk to other people, my mind is fixed on linking everything I do to this strange fantasy of mine, my strange problem. I can't get it out of my head.
I am an aspiring writer, when writing stories I get along fine and my mind finally seems to drift away from this but the moment I stop, every wonderous moment of obliviousness shatters back to this deranged state of mind. I have talked to my best friend about everything in my life, we share our own personal aspirations, our problems, we laugh about everything but this, for some reason I cannot tell anyone about this.
I do anything I can. I have a job that keeps me on my feet, but my mind tends to wander. Obfuscated as it is with this mental declivity. My whole family likes to paint together (most of us seemed to have inherited my grandfather's talent). We paint alot, usually 'Exquisite Corpse' type paintings that we later hang on a wall with all the pieces together.
I find no peace of mind with this constantly swimming around the sewage of hurt I feel everyday.
No, my family is not religious, I am the only one with these views, my sisters and my mother have different beliefs that I sometimes share. They do not affect me, unfortunately, it is the blackness seeping from my flesh that affects them and I hate it.
Balance is not what I need. What I need is for someone to help me make a decision, guide me through making that choice. This fantasy is a hope for me, what I cling to for self-preservation in times of distress. God is my hope for this fantasy to be realized and even though I remind myself everyday that such a thing could not happen, this aching hope never fades. So here in my dwarfed moment of clarity, I ask a clearer question. How do I stop hoping?
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