A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is my husband a narcissist? At the moment I am not working outside the home. The company I was working for went under. Even when I was working I still did 100 percent of the household chores and never once complained about doing it. If I go out of my way like say get up early to make sure he has lunch to take with him, he doesn't say thank you. He says things like, ‘Oh it's nice to see you taking pride in getting my lunches again (I might have missed sending him with one a couple times). That is just one example. this happens a lot. I get insulted instead of a thankyou or appreciation. I guess he thinks I owe it to him. So yesterday when he asked me to do something and I said no and didn't do it he treated me very cold and ignored me. He did call me delusional for not seeing it his way. I tried a couple times to talk it out but he just wanted to be mean like a spoiled child pouting because he didn't get his way. So I went to bed. Then the next morning he acts like nothing is wrong - everything is right with the world and gave me a kiss goodbye. I was still so upset at the way he treated me. I told him he doesn't get to treat me like that and expect I am going to be so happy he wants to kiss me. If he would have said I am sorry But he never does. I would have kissed him. On a side note I am usually the one who apologizes but I have even stopped doing that because instead of accepting my apologies he insults me. I am always wrong no matter what I do. He is never wrong Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2017):
 I doubt he is a narcissist. But I do believe he is arrogant and feels that the women's place is in the kitchen. Honestly if he does not appreciate you then stop treating him like a child. Tell him he can make his own lunch, let him take a tantrum. If you treat him like another child he will act like one. Has he always been like this or is it just since you have finished up with work? This could be just who he is and if it is then you need to decide if you can live like this.
A
male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (10 December 2017):
 It's possible he could be a narcissist but the best way to know and protect yourself is to do the research. Search for "symptoms of narcissists", "narcissistic personality disorder" and "narcissistic husbands". If your husband matches around five to six of the symptoms he many be one.
You haven't spoken much about your past. Do you two argue a lot, does he usually act like a child and want things to be his way all the time?
Narcissists can be very sneaky and yes, it could take years before you realize a close friend or family member is one. The first thing to do is to not shrug off your gut feelings. Thoughts like "Am I overreacting?" "Maybe he didn't mean it", "Am I really at fault?" this is where it usually starts. be aware of the mannerisms you notice in him. Narcissists are incredibly toxic people and the sad thing is they cannot be cured, they will be this way for the rest of their life. Just because he's your husband don't mean you should try and play the savior. HE CAN'T BE FIXED.
Read up and PROTECT yourself, because you'll need it.
May sure to always stay in good spirits and do not give his the satisfaction of have control over your emotions.
All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2017): Sweetie, it takes much more than what you've described to conclude your husband is a narcissist!
I'd say, he's passive-aggressive. Pouting is passive-aggressive behavior; but pretty normal reaction when someone you love adamantly says NO! It hurts your feelings, and it pisses you off. It could go either way between you. If he says no when you want something, you don't always feel all fuzzy and warm. It doesn't put a big smile on your face!
Being out of work and feeling you're not being productive; or living up to your fullest-potential, makes you feel inadequate and hypersensitive.
You will misinterpret any negative-reaction from the closest people to you as "rejection" or "disrespect." You will blow little things out of proportion, and sometimes be combative over the smallest issue.
You yourself seem to be cognizant of this because you opened your post by mentioning you're out of work. You're projecting your own disappointment in yourself onto your husband. Withholding a kiss is very petty. It's also denying yourself positive-reinforcement and a form of affection. He offered you his way of apologizing and letting go of the issue. You prolonged it by being pissy and trite.
A kiss is a method of diffusing tension in a relationship. It's an indication your partner has gotten past the issue. Continue the argument beyond this point, now rests on you!
You're demanding a verbal-apology for something that wasn't even all that serious. You blew the whole thing out of proportion. Then let me do it. " I am so sorry you are hurting, and feel rejected or underappreciated; because you don't have a job. All your bad feelings are my fault!"
He doesn't have to say "thank you" every-time you make him lunch. Do you say "thank" you every-time he goes to work, pays the bills, kisses or makes love to you? Some things are just considered a sweet gesture; and gratitude may be delayed, but shown in other ways. So he makes a snide comment now and then. Husbands do that. So do wives, and your kids will too!
Please don't insult the intelligence of all who have read your post, by implying you never say anything snide or get snarky; or never pout when you don't get your way. In a relationship, that goes back and forth. It's human.
If you're feeling some way; because you're not working. You can always do temp-work; to feel more productive, and contributory to your household income.
Understandably, you feel resentful of your husband; because you feel somehow beholden now that you feel reduced or demoted down to nothing more than a "housewife" or "homemaker."
You shouldn't degrade those domestic responsibilities; because they are exhausting and demanding. I have to be a homemaker; and I'm almost the equivalent of a housewife. I have a demanding job; but I still have to tend to household chores. I pride myself for all of that. It keeps my home livable, clean, comfortable, and it pleases my mate. It also appeals to my MSC, "Martha Stewart Complex."
As long as you are consistently active at seeking employment; your self-esteem rises, and you feel productive. Your job-search is a form of productivity. You feel rejected and underappreciated when you haven't received a job offer so far. It gets to you. Hon, been there and done that!
To be gracious, accept an apology from hubby in any form it is given. Affection by a kiss is in physical-form. Not to say you don't deserve a verbal-apology ever; but pick your battles. You can call him a narcissist; but not when you yourself are in bitch-made. It's hypocritical and you're blaming him for your dissatisfaction with yourself.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 December 2017):
 How long have you been married ?... Sorry, but I have got the feeling that you only have yourself to blame.
It's very hard, almost impossible, to teach an old dog new tricks.
If for all your married life, you have been working outside the house AND also taking care of 100% of housework, never complaining, never demanding a more equitable division of household chores,... then it is impossible for him to see it your way. In fact, he sees it as if now that you are unemployed, you have less than half the work to do than what you used to have , and double the time, - so why you should not continue to do all the domestic stuff, and with more committment and precision, as for that !
I am not saying it's right- but it is logical, and you can't really be that surprised about it.
If you have ( and alas, you have ) implicitely signed up for a " job " with a certain job description, including preparing meals... never a pip for 10, 20 years, and all of a sudden you don't want to do it anymore, you can't expect a lot of understanding.
For him it's as if he had had a secretary booking his flights and hotel reservations, for the last 10 or 20 years, and all of a sudden she wakes up one day and says: "hey, you can use a phone, can't you ? make yourself your own reservations ! " He'd think : she's crazy, that's always been , and is, HER job.
He acts entitled, but you have enabled him to act entitled, and I am sorry to say I don't see a quick fix to that. Maybe the best is what everybody suggests, i.e. that you get back to work asap, and once you are also busy outside the house probably you can also " renegotiate " with him, and ask- or demand- that he does his share of housework. If nothing else because of sheer physical ehxaustion; you are not getting any younger ( nobody is, actually ! ) and what was domestic run-of-the mill for a woman in her 20's or 30's may not be an adequate workload 10 or 20 years later.
Said that, I will admit honestly that , although I can see how his comments would rub you the wrong way, I don't see why fixing him lunch would be such a big deal. You ARE at home now, with less pressures and more time in your hands, and , although I am definitely NOT suggesting that you have to " earn your keep " and " sing for your supper "- I would think that you'd WANT to contribute to your marriage and home life, right ? So, if you can't contribute financially, you can contribute in other ways,one of which would be preparing him lunch.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (9 December 2017):
 Hi, I have a similar problem in that my husband works full time but expects me to do everything at home. I work full time too, but he earns more money, so I throw it back “well how much would a house keeper cost”.
What I don’t understand is that if you are not working why would you resent making him some lunch? If it makes him happy, and would cause less friction I would think about doing it.
I agree with the other aunts advice that you should get a job, and make yourself a little more independent, maybe that would balance the scales a bit more. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2017): He sounds like a horrible person but to be honest it also sounds like you enable him . Why are you making him lunch ? Is he disabled ?I have children and a husband . Do you know who I make lunches for ? My children ! My husband had arms and legs just like me and is an adult , he is perfectly capable of making his own lunch Yoh see we teach people how to treat us and if you act like a maid by making his lunch of course he will treat you like one . It's not 1820 .Stop being his mother and be a woman who expects and commands the same respect he does , allow nothing less . If he gives you less , pack a bag , take half the money and leave . It's really as simply as that whether he's a narcissist or not I'm sorry to be so blunt but there's no point in crying about situation s unless we are truly ready to change our role in them . Unless you change he never will . He is getting too good of a deal in all this
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2017):
 If this is how he has ALWAYS been, then this is WHO he is. And if this is who he is, he is NOT going to apologize for being himself.
He sounds like he takes you for granted and like an entitled ass (to be frank). I don't think the "‘Oh it's nice to see you taking pride in getting my lunches again" was meant as a thank you. It was MEANT to make you feel bad for the times you didn't do it. It was meant to conditioning you to DO what HE wants. Even if it was meant as a "joke" it's still manipulation in a passive-aggressive manner.
I would tell him that his attitude makes you NOT want to do little things for him. But I wouldn't hold my breath that he will change his attitude or how he treats you.
The whole going silent and ignoring you when you don't do as HE wants you to... that is manipulation. Kids do it and often get away with it. Grown-ups do it, ESPECIALLY if it has worked more times than failed.
It sounds like your marriage isn't doing so great, communication seems to not work at all.
My advice? FIND a new job asap. BE independent in case you two can't work this out. DO NOT rely on him for handouts or to take care of you. That gives him all the power.
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