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male
,
*ndo
writes: Dear Cupid I have problems about dealing with women. First, I've never been with a girl before in my life. Second, when it comes with a woman, I'm extremely shy and cannot overcome it. And third, the word I fear the most is REJECTION. How can I have the confidence that I need?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 October 2005):
 The best start that I can recommend for you is to do all you can to rid yourself of the idea that women are some sort of frightening alien beings. Women are *people* and you should be looking to make friends of women first. The rest can come later.
Remember that women can be nervous and shy, too. An individual woman can be pleasant, convivial, apprehensive, fussy, timid, tense, cautious, quiet... all emotions across the entire spectrum of human experience. The reason I state this obvious fact is to remind you that talking to women isn't not a competition between nervous You and intimidating Her. She won't laugh in your face because you smiled and said Hello, and she won't turn her thumb down in disgust, like the fabled Roman Emperor. The vast majority of women are nice people, just like you are.
If there's a particular women that you want to talk with, start small and watch the way she reacts. Here are a few tips:
* Start with small talk, even though it may seem awkward at first. Try "hi there", said with a smile and a small nod. Progress to something like, "It's not a cold as yesterday, is it?"
* Try to make discussions about something you have in common. Depending on where you know her from, it might be about work, or a shared faith, or a hobby or common friends.
* Watch how she reacts. Most people are instinctively polite to strangers, but some body language is a giveaway. If she appears to not want to talk to you, I'd say back off. She's not interested. If she gives short answers and turns away without adding anything, again, look elsewhere.
* Good signs that she might be interested in talking more are brief flicks of eye contact and smiling at you.
* Avoid overloading her. That means you don't go from a casual chat on a bus stop to a bouquet of red roses. Let things develop at their own pace.
* If you don't have success with the girl you're attracted to, you're in VERY good company. Don't sweat it; it's not a personal rejection. Some pairs of people just don't click the way we'd all like them to. Try again, elsewhere. Or take some time to think about whether you need to do things differently with a different girl.
I know that it requires a lot of courage to talk to someone of the other sex, but you seem to have built up the possibility that you might not succeed with women into the absolute certainty that you'll not only fail, but be laughed at for trying. That's just not so. Give people a chance, and remember, women (and girls) are just people of a slightly-different shape! If you're kind and slow and friendly, most people will give you a chance.
Good luck, dear.
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