A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for over ten years and have 2 children. The last 2 to 3 years his brother comes by or calls our home once to twice a week. Sometimes more. He mainly comes by unannounced and stays usually the whole day and even some of the evening. Sunday is my husbands only day off and sure enough my BIL comes over pretty much every Sunday especially when football is on. My brother in law refuses to get a companion. He comes off as a know it all but doesn't actually know half of what he is talking about but will make an elaborate story about simple things that are obviously made up. Any place you talk about he has been there. He tells partial truths and makes you feel that he purposely leaves things out. Not to hurt or be mean but I get irritated listening to it now. I try to ignore it or go in my room but then Im stuck thete all day. He is the older brother only by age. He is not mean but very obnoxious, I am spunky and call him out or put him in his place here and there usually when I can't take it anymore. Since this has been going on for this many years my skin crawls when he is around. I have made my displeasure known and it just keeps happening. BIL has been told to call first and does this very little. When I speak to my husband about it he says I worry about him, he is lonely and depressed I have to be there for him. My BIL is lonely by choice though and I've made the comment to my BIL that he needs someone in his life. And he always says No way!!! He is in his 50's and not stable at all his parents still bail him out and so was my husband. I don't hate my BIL and I do feel bad for him, but I am beginning to get disgusted by his presence. My husband is a good hard working man with a big heart and doesn't want to hurt his bro. I don't know what to do at this point please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): Schedule outings for your husband and you on Sundays.And just generally introduce the idea of scheduling things - very subtly at first - this is to raise awareness on your husband's part, of the importance of time.Once he gets used to 'timing' things - and I mean, do this very subtly at first - he will get more of an idea of how valuable time is.Once you've done this - say after 2 weeks to a month - start subtly scheduling in an activity that your husband and brother do together OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOME - tell your hubby it's going to really benefit both of them, it doesn't matter what the hell it is.Once they get used to doing that, bring in slightly firmer boundaries around time spend in the home and time spent outside of the home and time spent just you and your hubby and time that hubby spends with brother.It works, I've done similar. Another related issue is the issue of discussing things. Gently but firmly raise your husband's awareness of how enjoyable discussion can be. Start with very short discussions of things that HE really loves and enjoys and show a real interest. Do this consistently and subtly. Praise him at how good he is at explaining and discussing things with you. Ask him if you can have his opinion about something that interests you (NOT the issue of his brother at this stage) and again praise him for his discussion skills.Steadily build his confidence about discussing things and getting used to the to and fro of different viewpoints. If possible watch TV programmes where people discuss things and ask what he thinks of their different views and of the idea of discussing. THEN finally ask if you could discuss the issue of his brother.This discussion issue should, however, be a secondary tactic and may not be necessary - the subtle introduction of scheduling is the most important one.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 Yu should have a face-to-face serious talk with your husband and explain in detail why you need to have your own time with him and the bro-in-law needs to be un-invited so often. if he(your husband) is a diplomate he can say, Hey,brother we love having you over fopr a day or two BUT, do you think you could possibly visit like once or twice a year instead of so dogone often? We need some husband/ wife time alone,know what I mean? wink,wink. If Bro doesn't get it after that there is always the restraining order route but lawyers are so darned expensive. Good Luck, we had on just like him but he thankfully joined the Air Force and uncle Sam sent him elsewhere. Good Luck!
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