A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my fiance keeps lying about stupid things and its driving me up the wall.He's not working at the moment so money is tight, I have spoken to him about how much he keeps spending several times now.He has two kids from a previous relationship that we cannot afford treats as well as essentials at the moment.I thought he understood this after our last talk about it. I've come home from work to find a receipt left out that hes been spending again on treats that we can't afford.He used his credit card but we still have to pay it back and with interest and he lied to me about it. He probably thinks he didn't lie, he just didnt tell me until I saw receipt and asked him about it.I am fed up of the same conversations about this over and over again I really dont know what to say anymore and its getting me down and feeling resentful.
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Money can and is a HUGE deal in marriages. Bad money management skills have sunk many marriages. And usually guys with bad money management skills don't magically learn to deal with it -- especially at his age. Some are used to living high on the hill despite being on a budget. They'll mortgage their future to not have to go without today.
Worse, the fact that he is probably paying for child support on two kids, maxed out his credit cards, and he isn't making enough to support you... when do you think it will get better?
Once you sign on the dotted line of the marital contract, his financial problems are now YOUR problems. Marriage is about love but it is also a serious business venture. You need to ask yourself if you are willing to invest your finances, your earnings, your retirement, and your future with a man who spends more than he earns and doesn't mind paying the exorbitant interest on it. Worse, he also doesn't seem to recognize your tutelage as being helpful.
Is this really the future you want for yourself?
Take some quiet time and picture yourself in the future married to this man... do you really like what you see? Is it what you dreamed your husband would be? Or do you see a future of fighting over credit card receipts?
Eddie
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): If this worries you already, I would have a serious think about whether to marry him or not. Because then you will be liable for his debts. At the moment you aren't, so keep well away from his financial commitments.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
 if it's HIS credit card, don't pay it.
if it's YOUR credit card and he's an authorized user... pull his usage on your card.
I get how he is. I used to be that way. Now my husband is in charge of the money and I admitted I'm no good at money management.... We have a rule, every FRIDAY we present each other with our receipts from the week....
if you need to hold finace accountable daily... make it so.
we were doing it daily but it got to be too much and I have learned that I don't have to sneak because we build in "treats" as often as we can....
do not marry him till his spending is under control... do no mingle your funds till he's locked down... as a former credit card spender... it's a hole you can almost never get out of....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): "He has two kids from a previous relationship that we cannot afford treats as well as essentials at the moment."You're not married and he isn't working so HE can't afford treats, not "we.""He used his credit card but we still have to pay it back"You're not married so you have no joint assets and no joint liabilities so "we" don't have to pay his credit card back, HE does."I am fed up of the same conversations about this over and over again I really dont know what to say anymore and its getting me down and feeling resentful."Nothing you can say that can stop him from taking advantage of you, so you need to stop talking (and letting him walk over you) and start acting. You need to stop referring to your boyfriend as your "fiance" (and at this point it might be wise to start referring to him as your "ex") and you need to protect YOUR assets by refusing to by HIS bills and putting all your money in individual accounts he can't access. An anonymous female of your age group and nationality posted an eerily similar question a few days ago:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-feel-like-i-always-have-to-be.htmlI'm confident that Cerberus, iAmHereToHelpYou, and Sageoldguy1465 would agree that the advice they gave to previous OP five days ago applies in this instance as well in addition to their usual spot-on counsel they've given you.
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A
female
reader, when nothing goes right go left +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Its understandable that you feel angry and resentful because although he hasn't directly lied to your face he isn't being honest or open with you and he is going against what you have both talked about and its your money too. And as you have talk to him before about it and he has still done it. You need to think about how serious it is and whether he has a problem spending to much on other things and if so then its probably more serious but if it's definitely not like that and its more of him just not using enough self control then you need to either take control of the money or make a stand by moving out for abit to show him and make the point that you have had enough.Hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2013):
 This is one of those questions which begs for an answer in the form of an question. To wit: "WHY does this guy continue to be your "fiance???" He's OBVIOUSLY someone who is TOTALLY irresponsible, and seems to have NO compunction about taking TOTAL advantage of YOU!!!! (AND.. he can only do so WITH YOUR CONSENT!!!)
THIS, dear girl, is a preview of your life with him.. Are you SERIOUSLY considering to proceed with such a life????? If "yes," then you have my condolences....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Sorry OP, what do you mean "we" have to pay it back?
It's his credit card, you don't have to pay back shit.
Now if you have a dual bank account, it's time to stop paying into that and start putting all your money into your own account in which he has no access to.
You've spoken to him, it hasn't worked so now it's time to be practical, OP you can only blame him to a certain degree here, by letting him think it's "our" debt, you let him think he can spend what he likes and you'll always pay.
Time to stop that, time to work out your earnings and give him an allowance. It's as simple as that, or do you really want to start a marriage with a tonne of debt?
He gets half your luxury money as an allowance and you get the other half of that luxury money. If that's only 20 bucks a week then tough shit. He can use his allowance to pay of his credit card, do not service his debt OP.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 February 2013):
 Wait a minute - WHAT?!?
He rings up his credit card, yet you say "WE" have to pay it back with interest??
You're not married to him. Why do *you* have to pay back anything? It's his card, *his* bills. HE pays it back, nothing about this "WE" nonsense.
Unless you're actually married, you have no business putting a dime into his bad spending. Why would you even marry him anyways? Do you think for a second that's going to change when he marries you and then wrecks YOUR credit and financial future? Not a chance! If he's lying to you about it, that's financial infidelity.
Also, if you're not married and he isn't working, YOU shouldn't be supporting him. What security can you possibly have now? This is the danger of playing house before getting the legal security of marriage. Marriage is, at its core, the creation of a legal business entity. In a marriage, you supporting a guy out of work or his supporting you through school or vice versa is covered by the rules of a divorce if one is to happen.
In the situation you have now, let's say you support him while he's out of work, then he cheats on you or decides he's no longer "in love". He takes off from you, and you're left holding the financial bag. You're screwed out of the money you COULD have been saving for your own estate or house or cars or business, and he got a free ride. In a marriage, say you carry him while he's out of work, he gets a really god job, and then bails on you. The laws of divorce state that you'd most likely get spousal support. This means a return on your investment.
Truly, I'm telling you not to marry him. You will have a life of hardship, and the resentment will only get worse, and he's got the baggage of his 2 kids from the previous relationship that I'm guessing YOU are having a hand in supporting, and his racking up credit card debt for boy toys will not get any better. Time to protect yourself.
Split EVERYTHING. No more joint accounts. No more joint credit cards. No more bailing him out or supporting him. You're not married, and domesticity is NOT commitment. he's not committed to you simply because you live under the same roof and pay bills together. You are in a vulnerable situation, and you are hamstringing your own future.
He's not marriage material, and you're not in high school anymore. Love does not overcome this sort of thing at all.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (25 February 2013):
 It's time for some tough love then. Stop supporting his spending. If he has a credit card that he keeps racking up a bill on, stop paying for it. He can pay that off. You should get separate bank accounts and his money can only go towards household things like groceries and a small allowance for personal items.
If he goes over on his credit card with treats, then too bad, he shouldn't have spent it.
Is he looking for a job?
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