What can I do about his controlling, manipulative ex?

A female age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I'm so unhappy. I'm losing my boyfriend and feel I have to give up on him. I don't want to. I've tried to be there, stick it out and cope with the awfulness we have had from the Mother of his child, but I can't. Basically his life is being controlled by her and he is giving into blackmail. I posted on here before about that, and I know people say (as I did intially) that he should get his access sorted through the courts so she can't blackmail him. But he chose to 'manage' her and keep her happy - he wants to keep on amicable terms for the child's sake, and his argument is if he goes to court a) he might lose access (unlikely but possible) and b) she would poison the child against him (very likely). So I accepted his way, knowing she would just make it impossible for us to see each other, by having him at her beck and call all the time. He is not allowed to see me when he has the child and over this Christmas and New Year period she has engineered it so he has the child every other day and is doing things for her in between. So we can't see each other at all this week. I have been adult and pragmatic about it up till now, and cheerful, determined not to let her come between us. But I'm not coping. She keeps changing the arrangements and plans every day so we can't make any, and he has to go to hers on New Year's Eve. He told me he agreed to that a month ago because she didn't want to be on her own, but as it happens she has invited other people to this party. As ever, if he says he doesn't want to go she will threaten court again. We are good together and have managed to not let these things interfere with our relationship - until now. I try to remember that he is only putting up with these things so he can keep seeing me - if he stopped seeing me, she would stop having him at her beck and call and chasing around. But I can't cope with the fact that he will be 'celebrating' New Year's Eve at her house (I am not invited), or that he agreed to do this, even though I know he had no choice really. I can't cope with the fact that she is using him to abuse me, and messing with his head and making him put her before me. I know you will say he should stand up to her etc - I think this too sometimes, but she really does have all the power. The only power I had was to not care what she did as long as we were good. But this week has broken me. He only had two nights free when he wasn't looking after the child - tonight and New Year's Eve. And she wanted him round there both nights. He is run ragged and the pressure is telling on him and it is coming between us - something I swore I wouldn't let happen. I didn't want to let this woman win and break us up, but I think I have to stop seeing him. He is so run ragged with all the 'arrangements' that he has lost perspective and is starting to see me as the problem - so I'm losing him and it hurts so much. I have tried to be strong, but I ended up in tears on the phone to him tonight, saying I couldn't face New Year's Eve just sorting myself out. I have lots of options - friends, lots of nice things I could do and places I could go - but I'm too unhappy - I can't do these things with the person I want to. I tried to tell him. I was so strong at the week-end saying, never mind - it's just this week then we will have more time again (she will be back at work), but I am having such a horrible time and keep thinking about him being there. I told him it's the fact that he is spending it with her - he reassures me that it is not like he is in a relationship with her, but he doesn't understand - it's about the time. I am starting to feel it is like mental infidelity - him spending so much time with her. I know she is on her own a lot over this period and needs company, but she could spend it with other people. She has a boyfriend but he is away over the period. So I do understand her position, and I know they need to liaise over the child and arrangements, but I also know the whole thing is designed to stop him seeing me. We had a lovely Christmas Eve, and a few hours on Saturday - and nothing since. I keep trying to tell myself to ignore the fact that it is New year's Eve, that it's just a day and doesn't matter, that we can do something when we are together. But somehow it does matter. I have been there for him through a lot, but I think he has forgotten - his mind is so mixed up now. Even on Christmas Eve she sent us both a rude text, just to get into our heads and try and spoil the evening. I know there's not much advice anyone can give. I have to just give up - but I'm heartbroken and can't stop crying. It helps sharing this. I feel so weak and pathetic - that I can't tell her to f off - and neither can he. She is a very domineering, controlling, manipulative and clever woman and always gets what she wants. I wish there was something I could do.

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A male reader, roadman  +, writes (31 December 2008):

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