A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically I am a white woman and for 3 years now, with a break in between I must admit, I have been with my BF who is Asian. He's Pataan and his family is Muslim; he does not share their views but out of respect for his parents, who are quite old now, he tells them that he follows their traditions. We do love each other and have strong plans for the future. The only thing is that his family is starting to weigh us down. Recently we were seen together and now his parents are aware we are together, and although they didn’t confront the issue head on, it was clear that they are defiantly not happy. Also recently, I've found out that my BF's brother has been in touch because he’s heard of the uproar about me, and has told my BF that everyone expects him to marry a Pataan as its tradition and within the next 2 years! I have asked him to 'man up' to things but we can't move out together yet due to money issues and if he does come clean fully about me then it could mean that his home life will be extremely uncomfortable until we can actually move, or non-existent at all! The pressing matter of this marriage to another girl has made me feel so insignificant and I know his family will force this on him day in day out. Its not that I doubt he will refuse, just that I can’t have my say and stop it. I want to be in a normal relationship. I’m still a secret, and why? I'm not a bad person and I love my BF; only because I am white and not a pataan of their choice they hate me without even knowing my name or seeing my face. I just don’t what to do about this; is there even a way out? I don’t want to finish things...please help me with your views on this...thank-you :)
View related questions:
a break, money, muslim Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PPrincess_89 +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Thank you for both your answers. I can say with confidence that I can’t convert to any faith; I am an atheist and although I can understand elements of each religion, I can’t fully accept any or name myself under ones influence. It would be lying to myself and I’d be loosing self-respect by living a lie. Even if it was just ‘saying’ it, or acting in the right way in front of the family members, wouldn’t that be like treating them like idiots since they’ll all know I’m lying?! What I am trying to do is learn his language, so at least I can communication in their mother tongue; I thought this would be respectful. Though its true to say that it is only his parents who seem to have an issue with me. His brother and sisters all know about us and don’t condone our relationship at all, though they all say to respect the parents, etc. Is it to bold to say that the generations have changed? It’s not like his siblings didn’t have relationships before marriage; his brother was actually in a similar situation but ‘gave in’ to the arranged marriage. My BF tells me he loves me and I know its true. I feel secure for know but am I really being a fool? Will it just end a year or two down the line? We did know it’ll be tough, but now its more reality. I can’t just let him go due to traditions…
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (23 August 2009):
 This is a difficult situation you are in and its not an easy life.
Your bf is stuck between his culture/parents/religion and you.
He is under pressure and if he doesnt follow his parents traditions he risks losing the entire family and dishonouring their name.
Its a choice he has to make at some point.
You always will be secret to them until he can finally admit it to everyone.
I generally find alot of asians tend to follow what their parents say because for them they respect their parents and want to make them happy.
As his parents are old he probably will feel the need to satify their wishes and marry a girl of the same kind.
You have to realise the culture of the east and west are different and these traditions of elders have to be respected regardless of how we view them here. Its their way of life.
The only other advice I have is if your both serious about being together forever, you can show his family your seriousness by converting to his faith.
(this is upto you but doing this shows a willingness to embrace his family way of life) and his family may then think about accepting you into their lives.
It is a choice you need to make.
Ultimately when you and your partner both got together you knew how tough it'd be.
Therefore if you want to stay together and have his family accept things you both need to reach a compromise.
Good luck.
...............................
|
