A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:what are your options to a situation where you do everything you can for your spouse yet it is never enough? I have a job outside the home 4 months out of the year and the other 8 months I stay home. Even when I am working I take on the total care of the house (cook, clean, pay bills, laundry, yard work, to name a few) just like I do when I am not working. My husband goes to work and when he comes home he is done I never ask him to do anything around the house not even something as small as taking out the trash. I do it all and I never complain. We have a good sized house 2 kids still at home and we definitely are not hurting for anything. We have no worries in the financial department. I also go out of my way to make sure he knows how much I appreciate everything he does and I always make him my priority. If he has a bad day at work I give him a foot rub or a back rub something to make him feel better. He has recently told me that everyone in his life uses him and when he asks for help he doesn't get it. He needs people in his life who can help him make his life easier. I don't know what else I could do to accomplish that except getting a full time year round job and still take on full responsibility of the house hold.. He doesn't even care if I get a job at a fast food place just as long as I am working outside the home also. I am so deeply hurt by his lack of acknowledging all I do that I have been an emotional wreck for days. He makes me feel that because he is the bread winner I am so much lower than he is. That it is his money. He will even say things like wow it's like the old days again for doing something for him that I had just done two days before but he will say I haven't done it for months... Every once in a while I would like to get credit for something. Am I being selfish for not wanting a full time job plus come home and do it all too? And even if I get a full time job I just know he will throw it in my face that he makes more so therefore he does more.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 September 2015):
 I don't like name calling, and I'm only saying it because I hope it stirs you to action, but...
You're a coward when it comes to him.
You'd rather do everything for him and break down in private rather than demand he step up in the house.
You'd rather let him walk all over you than rock the boat and risk actual confrontation.
You're working. The house isn't just yours to run. If you walked out on him, what would he do? You could take him to the cleaners financially in a divorce, yet you'd rather play the martyr and hope he reads minds.
CHANGE COURSE! Stop being the coward, the doormat, the wife who's taken for granted.
Look him in the eye and tell him he needs to stop using YOU.
And you must own up to the fact that you are relishing playing the co-dependent victim in your relationship. Time to stop.
I mean, simply stop doing all the extras. Leave the yardwork. Leave the cooking when you work. The amount of money you make in comparison to him means nothing. The household load is the household load.
When you come home from work, put your feet up. Lay down on the couch and relax. If he demands dinner, look him in the eye and say..."That's what I was going to ask you".
He'll get the message. He will not like it. A coward hangs back. Do you think being a coward will raise or lower his respect in you?
Tell him directly, not passive aggressively. Tell him you are neglected and not appreciated. Tell him he has overburdened you and is being lazy about the house.
There's only one way to stop being a coward, and that's to stop being a coward.
So what's it going to be? Will your life change? Will you kill the coward within you and stand up for yourself?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2015): No, you are being a wimpy wife. You never remind him that your responsibilities and contributions to your marriage and household are equal to his. Nowadays, husbands sometimes stay home and do the childcare and household chores. Those are the men who learn just how hard it is to do what you do.
When you try too hard to please, you are admitting you think you're not doing enough. He is manipulating you that way. He plays you against yourself, to make you feel guilty. Also to amplify his own importance; and to be the head of the household, and belittle your position to less than equal. Thus you are in a subservient position; always trying to prove yourself to the master. Bunk I say!
Then you run your poor little self ragged, trying to be supermom, supermodel, a good lover, housekeeper, peace-maker, seamstress, counselor, laundress, toilet scrubber, cook, maid, waitress, doorman, lunch-maker, bed-maker, nurse, the pretty woman on his arm at public functions, the one who has to deal with teachers, workmen and service people who come to the house during the day, the pets/zookeeper, and I'm getting tired of making the list; and still have tons more I could list that you do!
You tear yourself down out of love. It's what moms do. He needs a good talking to. I said talking to. Not whining or nagging. Stand-up as his equal; and say I do more than you could do all by yourself. One day my mom packed up a small suitcase and went to stay with my grandparents for a whole week. You should have seen the chaos! You only have two, it was five kids and a big house! She died when I was 17. So my father had to hire a nanny and housekeeper. He couldn't do it all alone. He needed help.
Stand-up for yourself, and tell him straight-out he takes what you do completely for granted; and it's breaking your heart. If he wants to hire a nanny and housekeeper while you work full-time, that's a reasonable compromise. An older lady, not some hot young nanny who'll be "doing" more than the chores, and minding the kids.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 September 2015):
 There are husbands that fuss and fuss no matter what. They are usually unhappy with where they are at, so devaluing their wives is a desperate attempt to feel superior to someone. I think it's time to enlist your kids to do chores. Let him see that he's the only one being lazy. Do you know there are people who complain irrationally even when they know they are in the wrong? They just need to vent. Another reason they won't acknowledge their wives' hard work is because they are afraid if they do, they would have to pitch in.
Actually there are moms who work at fast food places just so they can get outside of their home. I think you should do it, not for him but for yourself. You should be able to talk to your husband about being sweeter to you. If he's that unhappy in the marriage he can rent a small apartment but as long as he's married to you, he has no right to complain and disrespect you. Make your conversations light and less about who should be doing what in the house.
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