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anonymous
writes: Question for Bev:I have been checking out your advice on this site. It seems like you know all the red flags in relationships that could mean your guy is an abuser or a potential abuser. What I want to know is this: Do THEY know? When you say that they first isolate the victim; for example, I read a question where the man had moved the girl away from her hometown and then discouraged her from making new friends, Does this guy know that's what he's doing? Isolating her? Do you think that was his plan? I read a lot of your red flags and things to watch for. I really need to know if these guys do this stuff on purpose. When my man tells me more and more often that he doesn't like my outfit, is he really trying to break down my esteem so he can abuse me more later? Is that what he's doing when he asks me a million questions about who I saw at the grocery? (Just a little example, but you get my drift) Is that his plan? Or is it something they just can't control? I really need to understand! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kellyb +, writes (30 June 2005):
It's more than one thing. He asks a lot about your travels to the market? Does he ask about other things during the day, could he be trying to make a conversation? Is he interested in more than who you interacted with, is he interested in how your day was? It sounds like you have suspicions which are soundly based -isolation, from family & friends is often the first step. If it can be identified there, GET OUT! How about just hanging out, does he accidently hurt you, and say that he doesn't know his strength? That's another really bad sign. What do your friends think?
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reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):
I might add to this list of behaviors that are warning signs: When I see a boy walking down the street with his hand on the back of a girl's neck, rather than around her waist or shoulder, I consider this a clear sign of both controlling behavior, and abuse. Men who walk with their GFs grabbing their arms at the bi-ceps are also control freaks, and abusive. That is not a loving hold, and neither is holding someone at the neck.
Daily questioning of a woman as to her every activity, calling her during the day and demanding that she be able to pick up the phone no later than the second ring, or he gives her hell and the third degree, and even a beating when he gets home from work indicates abuse. Men who accuse their GFs and wives of seeing other men, after coming home late after work with no explanation as to where they were, are abusers. Jealous demonstrations of any kind can be indicators of abusive tendencies, whether by a man or a woman. Yes, Woman can be abusers, too. Studies show that woman begin abuse of their spouses at every level of abuse( verbal, breaking things, throwing things, hitting, and attempted murder and murder)as often as do men. The reason we think that men are more like abusers is that men are as humiliated about being abused as women are, but are less likely to report it, short of an unwanted trip to the hospital, while women are more likely to report abuse at the earlier stages. Men fear what other men will say, and male police officers are particularly bad at showing concern and sensitivity towards male abuse victims. Training is changing that some what here in the states, but the statistics based on arrests, and cases filed is still skewed to favor women as victims. As a result, goverment services for abuse victims is offered to women, but not to men. We have shelters for women, counseling, day care, etc. but no programs for men. If you spot abusive indicators in a person you are dating, or someone a friend or relative is dating, tell your friend or relative immediately, and offer to be their helper. A divorce client got away from her husband when he was at work only because her hairdresser drove to her house, picked her up with her clothes and children, lent her money and found her a safe house to live in. It took him more than a year after the divorce to get his head screwed back on, but he was a real threat to her, and the kids for the better part of 3 years.
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reader, pops +, writes (29 June 2005):
I might add to this list of behaviors that are warning signs: When I see a boy walking down the street with his hand on the back of a girl's neck, rather than around her waist or shoulder, I consider this a clear sign of both controlling behavior, and abuse. Men who walk with their GFs grabbing their arms at the bi-ceps are also control freaks, and abusive. That is not a loving hold, and neither is holding someone at the neck.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 June 2005):
 My experience in this arena is purely personal. I'm no psychologist, but I will tell you what I've learned since leaving my abusive relationship after seven years.
I don't believe that there's any malevolent intent by abusers. I honestly don't think that they're evil men (or women - men get abused, too!). It's just that they have a compulsion to control the things around them... and by "things", I also mean the people around them. They can't help themselves in their wanting everything to go the way they have it planned in their heads. It's like an instinct, and anything that doesn't match the "map" in the abuser's mind triggers a panicked, angry attempt to get things back "on track" to control again.
With isolation of abuse victims, I think that comes instinctively as well. In the same way that, when you find yourself attracted to someone, you think about getting them alone, abusers know on some level that they can't control a person if that person has friends, family or other support people around. They tend to move in fast, sweep a person off his/her feet and, using declarations of "love", persuade that person to leave everyone else behind.
You're the best - and only judge - of your own relationship and whether your partner might be trying to control you. I should emphasise that I might be hypersensitive to warning signs because I so want other women to avoid what I had to endure.
I recommend doing some research on the web, or even ringing one of the free, domestic-violence help lines and just having a discussion with the counsellors there. They can give you a lot more in-depth information that I could.
The website at "hiddenhurt.co.uk" is an excellent resource for a start. This is an extract that will give you a starting point to decide if your guy is just insecure or bordering on abuse:
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Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality
It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviours and traits which are common in abusive personalities. These are commonly known as Warning Signs.
While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioural traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioural traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).
Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behaviour as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.
Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you. Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.
Controlling Behaviour
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.
Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim 'love at first sight', that you are 'made for each other', or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached 'that stage'. He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.
Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfil all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: 'lf you love me, I'm all you need.', 'You are all I need.' are common. Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.
Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'. He/she may accuse you of being 'tied to your mother's apron strings', not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your personal friends as 'causing trouble' or 'trying to put a wedge' between you. He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.
Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can't hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else's fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother. They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him. He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.
Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.
Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.).
Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals and domestic violence which is still being researched.
Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as 'small adults' and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for 'naughtiness' the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have. As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.
'Playful' use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurise you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of "rape" excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go 'all the way' can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.
Rigid Sex Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things---even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being 'not a real man' if he shows any weakness or emotion.
Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are 'stupid', could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all' or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you. The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe "sudden" changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad. This does not indicate some special "mental problem" but are typical of abusive personalities, and related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse. The link between substance abuse and domestic abuse is still being researched, and it is apparent that while neither alcohol nor drugs necessarily cause violence, they do increase the risk of violence.
History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that "she made me do it by ..." or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won't happen with you because "you love them enough to prevent it" or "you won't be stupid enough to wind me up that much". Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.
Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as "If you speak to him/her again, I'll kill you", or "If any wife of mine acted like John's did, I'd give her a right seeing to". But can also include less obvious threats, such as "If you leave me, I will kill myself". Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions. Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behaviour by saying "everybody talks like that.", maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you're "over-sensitive" for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her.
Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don't need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalising you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behaviour on to you, but is actually used to terrorise you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.
Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.
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Good luck!
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