A
female
age
30-35,
*olaBolla
writes:So firstly, thanks in advance for trying to help!How do you know if a guy genuinely cares about you, or if he's just acting all sweet and innocent to get what he wants out of you?There's this guy whose known for being a flirt-- not exactly a womanizer because he's had stable relationships before, but just really flirty. I think I've been getting vibes from him, but I'm not sure whether they're substantial and whether I should pay any attention or not. Are these signs that he might sincerely like me?- we don't talk that often; but we're both very good at reading other people, and play this whole game of cat and mouse every time we see each other. i seem to catch him glancing at me a lot- he NEVER curses around me. this might seem insignificant, but he has absolutely no problem doing this around other girls/ fwbs/ friends etc.- when I found out he had a girlfriend when he had been flirting with me, (very beginning, when I first met him) he immediately tried to explain her as a "sort of" girlfriend and subsequently broke up with her (without telling me, I found out from someone else)- he always seems to "defend" me. He's smacked his friend in the gut for insulting me once, in front of a bunch of his other friends. I've never seen him do that for the sake of anyone else- whenever we get into a fight and start ignoring each other, he goes through this cycle of flirting with other girls (specifically MY friends) just to piss me off, then he'll get all quiet and moody when it doesn't work- he never smirks at me. again, this might seem like a weird point to make, but like i said, he's super confident with other girls and has no issue charming them easily. If anything, he smiles softly (but really fast, blink and you'll miss it)- He seems to have to find an excuse to talk to me/ touch me. With other girls, he has no problem going up and hugging them or talking to them. He'll try to start talking about school, or brush "lint" off my shoulderI'm just torn because we've known each other for a year, he's a very confident guy, but he always has trouble coming up and starting conversation/ texting/ iming me while he's SUPER FLIRTY with other girls. I've tried going up to him and trying to strike up a conversation, but he seems to clam up and get all awkward. The reason I know him so well is that we have really deep convos when it's just one on one, but in a group it's ridiculously awkward.Is he just biding his time because he wants me to warm up to him so he can get what he wants? Like I mentioned, he behaves completely differently when with me, and when with other people. Or am I just being paranoid lol?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): While it's flattering to think a man might change his behavior for you, it's never a good sign...at least in my personal opinion. Frankly, I like a man who isn’t ashamed to be himself around you, warts and all.
Many men look to women as some sort of moral compass… if not that, then they tend to be an accessory item indicating status. I'd be lying if I said women didn't do exactly the same thing with men who they believe are "classy" (make more money than the average guy)... but I think the type of behavior you're reporting exemplifies a guy who is just trying to impress a woman and boost his own ego in the process. He’s not changing for himself, he’s changing to impress you.
And from reading your post, I get the sense that you wish he were more at ease around you rather than going out of his way to modify his behavior. I wouldn't say this guy is looking to "toot it and boot it", but I would guess he is short-sighted and over-eager to please. You sound like you want a fully developed and mature individual, not a guy who performs for a lady he comes across. I've been there and I have to say the performance doesn't last long.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 The only way to find out is to go on dates and see where it leads you. So far, all these things could mean anything or nothing.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Typically, guys who want just sex with a girl tend not to be too patient. It's possible that he might have feelings for you. However, there are two things you wrote on here that made me take notice:1. "whenever we get into a fight and start ignoring each other, he goes through this cycle of flirting with other girls (specifically MY friends) just to piss me off, then he'll get all quiet and moody when it doesn't work"You're fighting with him? And he responds by flirting with everyone else? In a serious relationship, that could escalate to cheating if the two of you get into a fight. This for me would be a massive red flag. You do not want a guy who would get back at you by flirting or cheating with other women, especially your friends.Also, you mentioned that he is a big flirt with everyone, and when you met him, he had a girlfriend. Would you be comfortable with him maintaining his flirtacious when the two of you are together? Apparantly, his last girlfriend wasn't. Always watch for patterns of behavior. Moodiness, fighting, mock-punching a guy, having ignoring fits, and the like. Flirting with other women while he has a relationship is not cool. This is a man who is always looking for the "next best thing". I'd be very cautious if I were you. If I knew him, I would never ever date him.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 May 2011):
 " - we don't talk that often..."Inconclusive. Decent men and players both do this."- he NEVER curses around me..."Inconclusive. He may just think you don't like cursing."- when I found out he had a girlfriend..."Player-sign. If he dumped an odl girl for a shot with a new one, why wouldn't he do the same to you later?"- he always seems to "defend" me..."I'm not pleased that he reacted by smacking his friend rather than chewing him out, but they're guys, sometimes we do that. If he always steps up to defend people who deserve it, he's at least trying to be a decent man. If he usually passes up opportunities to defend you or others, he's just trying to impress you, and whether he's nice or not doesn't matter compared to inconsistent principles."- whenever we get into a fight..."Player-sign. Players solve their problems by creating jealousy. Nice guys solve their problems by begging for forgiveness. Men solve their problems by fixing the damage, apologizing *once*, and moving on with their lives."- he never smirks at me..."Inconclusive. This is a sign that he's trying hard to impress you, and keeping too tight a rein on his emotions. Players and decent men can both do that."- He seems to have to find an excuse..."Most likely a player-sign. Some decent men have figured out that it's okay to touch girls, hug them, and all that stuff, but it's mostly players.Now, the signs are most heavily that he just wants to get what he wants, but a year of knowing you is a long time for a player. Maybe he's getting some on the side, if he's being flirty with other girls. I wouldn't completely rule out the possiblity that he actually likes you, but I wouldn't bet on it.
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