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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: What are the biggest ,valid reason for divorce?-Living in a miserable marriage-cheating-lying-constant arguing-too absorbed in work-abuse-no fun-not initiating -not very passionate about their kids life-lack of sex-not feel lovedSo I wonder how many of this suppose to give the yield to divorce? Or are we never suppose to give up? And where do you draw the line? Yes unconditional love, but you can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do, so if its really not in your favor, what is the future of your relationship? Who suppose to give up on this first, the one who doesn't get what he/she wants, or the one who doesn't want t give what the other need?I feel angry, is there any wise woman who can see the future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): So many incredible thoughts to help me with my huge painful dilemma.
"" Don't get a divorce until you know you don't care anymore.""
That is very brutally true.
wow
""If neither partner will acknowledge there part to the problem and agree to get help and work on it together to understand and learn who each other really is/are, then the marriage should end.""
still a lot to think about....
thanks soooo much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): Hi there!
What I was trying to perhaps say was that through my own experiance with all of your list!! I have searched through during my process of realising that I met my husband, feel head over heals, thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, and he has let me down time and time again. I am 10 years older than him and I put alot of things down to giving allowances for his younger age and stage in life, dismissed things that pissed me off, but thinking all along that he will get it one day, he will get better and so on. What I didn't think about is that his fundimental beleifs, up-bringing and expectations of 'his' life, was not the same as mine. When your emotions are all wound up and you have let someone in, frequently we alter things that are really important to us, to accommodate the person who we are "in love with". Because maybe it is not so important to them, we make allowances on our expectations. I did this time and time again. I think many women do. Somehow we loose who we are even if it is just little bits and pieces. Our men do to, the relationsip tends to change us, our hope is that this is always for the betterment of each of us. But you can, if your not working towards the same objectives, do damage to each other as well.
When I talk about having the same foundations, I am meaning is if you both share the same or similar belief systems. In some ways the same or similar phylosophy on life. If you have had a similar upbringing, with a similar understanding of what make the other tick, what guidance in comparison to you, what type of friendhips they have had and the type of people they have in their lives. How their moral compass compares to yours. Do they share the same feelings about family and childrearing as you. Are they respected by their pears. So on and so on. All of the above are parts of how we build our lives, what gives us our purpose in life. How we want to live. If you husband and you have, like most of us, developed a life together without the same values and expections of how you want to live, together, then to identify your differences is the place to start.
What I seem to be experiancing is that when you start to pull the layers away, because your having problems, you start to see how different you see things. My husband sounds a bit like yours, he, I don't think, really knows what he stands for and who he is. When I look at why this is the case it is easy to see that it is all about his foundations and the weaknessess and difficulties he has had. And as a consequence he stuffs things up. Before now I have tended to 'put up with it'. What I now realise is that whilst with his excuse if you like for not getting it together are understandable, I have never called him up and by default have excused things and condoned his behaviour, so whos more to blame - him for not getting it or me for getting it and not making him learn!!
There are always compromises in a relationship, but the compromises I beleives should be not to the deteriment or basic core personal expectations of the other. To me a relationship is about love, support and striving for the same outcome. All to often one or both of us have different motivations and objectives.
Ask yourself what is your purpose in your life, what are the things which you get that feeling "yes, this is what it's all about" This is why I am here. Is it your children if you have them, is it about what you do for others that makes a difference, what are you working towards. There tends to be alot of drifting along without any real direction in relationships. It gets boring and in a rut, frequently it is because we forget what we were trying and excited about acheiving, together. We slip into feeling that what on earth am I doing here now and with this man! Often it takes a major blow with affairs or similar to give us a jolt about why we got together in the first place. We put up with the stuff all the years and when there is a major it all gets lumped up together and seems huge. Take the layers off and remember the beginning and it might help.
You original question was whats a 'good reason for divorce' My suggestion would be before you get a divorce that you explore your layers thoroughly, see what is a battle of wills, trivial and really silly. Try to get back to what you had originally expected things to be, equally what pisses both of you off and what your not going to continue to condone. Try to re-ignite the purpose for your relationship and what you both are trying to find. For you it may just be that you want a husband who listens to you, if so you need to tell him that. (Example!) But get back to the basics about what you thought it was going to be like and identify how different it is to those expectations!
If you start your next discussion with wanting to talk about what things you need to improve - without a debate on previous topics, but on "I want our marriage to be ....., "when you do this it make me feel like ....." "I need you to help me understand why this bothers you ....."
"What did you hope our life would be like ....." you may find new discussions which can move you along without the normal way of arguing. I write alot to my husband, which lets him absorb my feelings without my anger and tears!!
Don't get a divorce until you know you don't care anymore.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 Don't get married and be single. Then, there is no one to hurt you.You are free and can do whatever you plese.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): When a marriage is not built on the same foundations you both share, then there will be conflict.
That sounds very wise, but could you explain a bit more what you mean. It is very difficult to know what is my husband wants. I think he got some serious emotional built up. He doesn't seem t know himself, and that is one of the biggest reason I feel so trapped , I feel we are not getting anywhere, because he can't honest with himself..
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I actually think your list possibly constitutes alot of peoples marriages and lives.
One thing that I have discovered over the last years is that I had always assumed that my husband understood my expectations of this relationship. But to be honest, I have never explored, until now, what expectations I have.
It is an interesting exercise. And the need to be realistic speaks for itself. But if I didn't know what I was wanting to get out of it, and never asked him also what he was wanting to build, then we have been wandering around with no purpose.
When a marriage is not built on the same foundations you both share, then there will be conflict. Talk about what your both missing, wanting and lacking - then ask yourselves if your going to be able to met each others needs. Then decide if divorce is your decision!
Your already wise enough to know that if you knew what the future held, then there would be no reason for getting up in the morning! Sometimes life sucks and all we can do is change the things which contribute. However it is usually too big a challenge to work on EVERYTHING at the same time.
One step at a time, or two if you can multi task!! Good luck doll.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I think there are some very valid reasons for divorce, the big "A's"
ADULTERY- while this can be worked on if both parties truly want to, I do think it is a valid reason to leave.
ADDICTION - this can endanger the whole family and bring everyone down. If the person who is addicted finally recognizes this addiction and truthfully gets help for it and makes an honest effort to get well, fine. But someone with unchecked and untempered addictions (whether it be drugs, alcohol, gambling or whatever!)is a menace to their family.
ABANDONMENT If one party actually leaves and abandons the family or stays physically but no longer wants to be part of the family and psychologically abandons the family (refuses to take part in the family even if they are living under the same roof) this is a valid reason as well.
ABUSE whether the abuse is physical, sexual, mental or financial I believe abuse it always a valid reason to leave as soon as humanly possible. Sometimes abuse is hard to recognize if it not severe physical abuse. If he is leaving you with broken bones, you know you are being abused. But if he forces you sexually and calls it is husbandly rights or he calls you names and belittles you or constantly takes all your money and berates you for not providing him with more, these are forms of abuse as well. And if the partner is abusing a child it is more the reason to get out NOW!
MENTAL ILLNESS (I know this one doesnt fit with all the "A's", but it is still valid) I know that if someone has a physical illness it is never an excuse to leave. But a mental illness is differant. It affects those around it in a differant way. Like addiction, I believe that the person who recognizes their illness and gets help for it is worth sticking around for. But unchecked mental illness can be a serious danger to those around it.
Simply feeling unloved, bored, that you deserve better, a lack of passion or any other banal reason is not good enough in my opinion and should be worked on instead. Divorce is not pretty and should not be undertaken without giving a marriage a full good faith effort.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I don't think I'm particularly wise but I have been married to my husband now for 30+ years so I do know something about marriage. There are no cut and dried rules about marriage because each person has their own expectations. There are high spots and low spots in every marriage and lots of give and take. However if a marriage stays in a low spot for years or one spouse does all the giving there is a serious problem. Now a days there are marriage counselors up the wazoo so it's very easy to get help in an ailing marriage. It all boils down to happiness, and nobody should be stuck in a relationship that doesn't provide it the majority of the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): You've given a lot of potential reasons, but I would say the main one which probably covers all the others and more besides, is if either of you are thoroughly miserable due to the actions or inactions of the other, and if the one causing the misery sees no reason to change and refuses to change. A bigger reason might be that if you both make the other thoroughly miserable and refuse to do anything about it.Staying together 'for the sake of the kids' is a very bad idea. Whether you realise it or not, the tension in the atmosphere will make the kids miserable too, affecting their schoolwork and their private lives too.I could go on - but I think I've said enough.Phil
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Sorry, I'm not a wise woman, but I am a son of divorced parents. Maybe I can offer a different perspective?My parents divorced when I was 14. At that time lots of people came to me to tell me how sorry they felt for me. But I didn't understand. I was glad my parents divorced. There is no greater hell than trying to keep a dead relationship alive. If the love has left the relationship, I believe that the most honest thing to do is to move on.It doesn't matter what destroys the love, or whether the love just slowly disappears, every reason is equally valid. When a person no longer feels love for their partner, then separation/divorce is valid.Try not to turn any angry feelings on yourself. It's best to talk them through with a close friend/relative. Then concentrate on moving on with your life.I hope I've been helpful. All the best for your future.
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