A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i'm in this new relationship and i was wondering if you could tell me the warning signs of an abusive or controlling man. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Hi
I think I have been in an abusive relationship. Started dating in February, he was loving and things were good. but slowly over time he showed he had a short fuse, ranted to me on the phone about spending time with family, said our time precious, rang me up about 20 times a day. I just thought he was really in love and was flattered. Every time he rang he would start the conversation with "What are you doing?" He was very intense and passionate so thought was just in love.
Then I can't pinpoint the first thing which made me think he might be a bit strange but I think it was how strict he was with my 10 year old son - he made him clean his car and was really relentless and made him redo it and he cried. Also, when I went to see him he would tell me to shut up and that he was watching a film so had to be quiet and stuff.
Then he would always show up late at mine but when I was going to his he would stress about me being late and have a go at me. Sometimes he would be distant and cold and other times loving. Was confusing.
He started to put me down in front of his friends, one day on a trip water rafting. He said in front of one friend. "I'm really sick...of you." and when I told him about it he would say was only joking. I thought was being too sensitive.
Another time he put me down in front of my best friends husband, asked him if he found me aggressive and that I didn't listen. I told him how humiliated I felt, he found it funny but said he would stop. only days later he did it again to a friend at work round her house after only just meeting her said "i wouldn't f employ her, she should do as she's told."
He did it in front of my family first time he met them and I had asked him not to.
Other things he did was try to make me do stuff - ordering me around, make the coffee, but not do it back.
He would give me the cold shoulder a lot, act distant and then really loving again. He took me off facebook when we fell out and then having a fresh start he still didn't put me back on and laughed when my straighteners were broken and knew the fuse had come out and only told me a week later. Felt there was constant mind games.
He put huge demands on my time and energy and wanted a huge fuss on his birthday then on mine he rang and said I know I should book the meal but can you do it. (I was constantly asking for some romance, and he never gave me any). Then texted just before my birthday and said was busy during the day on my birthday with no kiss on the text. When I asked if could spend day with him he put me off. Then later that day he said that I had said I was busy and that he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. All the time he managed to twist everything around to make everything my fault. he blamed his temper on me.
One time I went to look after him when ill and brought him films and food and we were chatting and he shouted at me and scared me - cut me off mid sentence and I tried to leave and he tried to stop me. He said I repeated myself which made him do it. he said I was infuriating and that it was my fault. I was only talking about my son. He had been saying that my sons friends were better than my son and that they put him to shame. He put him down. I just quietly explained about being a single mother and he cut me off.
He justified putting me down, said it was his only way of getting his point across. Every time we split up because of it he said he was sorry and would do anything to make it work but then straight away he would justify why he had done things and try to stop me from texting him, said texts were to blame.
He also picked on my weight quite early on. I was 9 and a half stone, 5,5" and he would poke and prod my fat bits and said that he would not like me if I got fat, and I ended up nearly starving myself to look thinner and lost a stone and he liked me thin and knew I hardly ate. My friend told me that it was unhealthy and I woudl end up with a disorder.
He put my friends down - especially my best friend and he said she was not to be trusted and that her husband was a dick - said he should have tits and a fanny for being so attentive to his wife. he tried to make me not like them, said they had untrustworthy eyes. He put my brothers down.
he asked in bed when having sex what past boyfriends did in bed and it made me feel uncomfortable, he never made love, just more into degrading me or humiliating me.
He recently said he wanted to buy house with me after screaming at me that my house is a shit hole - it's not its very nice, bits need finishing and I was so upset. He apologised but did it again the next day. Then he told me he wanted to buy a house - 30 miles away and have son at school where I live - he didn't even discuss that issue of him moving school. He said he would keep on a flat somewhere - a bolt hole to go to. Made me feel uncomfortable.
He has never hit me but twice said he wanted to hit me when he was angry in an argument. he falls out with friends and was once in a fight in a pub. He gets road rage and has got out of car and had fights with people.
Is this man abusive?? I think he is but he denies it till blue in face. He also obsessed wtih his looks and tells me to feel his muscles. In a hotel once he was staring at himself in the mirror in the lift. He boasts about being a stud in bed and women fancying him. Says he could get ANY women he wanted to. Admits he a flirt and looks at other women. Has made sexual comments about my female friends.
Am I overreacting here? I finished it a few days ago and he has been all sweet by text, left presents on doorstep, texts he misses me - but every time he has done this it doesn't last, he goes back to mind games - feel he has been playing with my mind. I am so angry now and have told him he is abusive and he justifies everything still so there is no hope is there? My son is glad we have split up and says he is not a nice person. He is so nice to his daughter and to his two dogs. He is in the army and is going off to Afghan for 4 months. He says it's the stress of that, but he was mean before that. I love him so much but feel I need some advice, I deep down think he is abusive but still doubt myself. I feel guilty that I have ended it before he goes to war.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): The answer is in your need to ask the question, be on your guard. good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): they make you feel low, low your self esteem, make you think your not good enough for anyone, controll you by making you feel like your worthless, so they have you twisted round their little finger and you feel like you cant live without them, im guessing your asking this question because your worried? if so, get out while you still can! theres plenty more fish in the sea x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): If you're asking this question, I'm afraid you probably already know the answer. Fallow your intuition.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (29 September 2008):
 How much do you know about his past? Does he have kids, and if so, is he allowed to see them? How much do you know about his ex's? I ask because the best way to pin point a man (or lady) with big issues like that is by observing their past. In my past abusive relationship, I noticed that my ex began limiting my space and freedom. He would make me feel bad about hanging out with friends, even on a rare occation. He would try and convince me that my "place" was in the home, and not really anywhere else. All while he would drill me about these rediculous beliefs and wants of his, he would go out all night and party, bring his friends around constantly, and do exactly what he told me not to. I "loved" him, so I figured maybe I could change the way he felt. He wanted a child with me, so once he achieved that, things got much much worse. Because he had me staying at home, I was not earning money for myself, so he began taking everything away from me and refusing to take care of me at all. I had bad dental issues, he wouldnt even offer to take me to the dentist. My car started having issues, he refused to help out. Even when I was pregnant, he wouldnt pay for prenatal care, I had to move in with my mom in another state to get help. He was a very controllingperson, and made it impossible for me to get anywhere in life. I had no independence what so ever. Finally, when my son was 2, he started getting physical with me, and thats when I left for good. My son is 6 now, and he hasnt paid 1 cent toward child support, and he is a very lonely man. But, I remember when we began dating, his ex was mad at him for being with me, and it wasnt because she wanted him back, it was because he had done the same thing to her and her son, and she feared for me. So, like I sais before, look into his past.
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