A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My relationship of 4.5 years had developed some problems a few months ago. I think we just got a little too settled and were arguing about some petty things. Then things got much worse, and it turns out that my fiancee had begun talking to an old friend a lot. So much that there was a second mobile phone and a lot of Internet activity at night. A picture of them also popped up out of nowhere. We have both been through a lot in the past year, so our relationship was a bit strained. But before that we were very very close, to the extent that she actually moved across the country with me. I trusted her, so I didn't pay much attention.Anyway, we had had some arguments and broke off the engagement. She told me I still had a chance, but realistically only gave me like two weeks. Then she went away to visit her friend for a few days and denied anything was going on. We stayed in contact for the first few days and everything seemed OK. But the morning after she returned, she refused sex and when we were playing around she managed to call me by the wrong name. I then straight up asked her is she had cheated.At this point I told her to leave and she moved all her stuff out within a few hours. I was obviously in a huge state, because I still loved this person.The weird thing is that we stayed in contact for a few weeks after the breakup. She came over for dinner or to watch movies. We went out to restaurants and around the shops etc. I even helped her to move into her new home. We seemed to be getting on OK, until we tried to discuss the situation - which she was not really willing to do.She admitted a few times that she was unsure about the situation. She said she sometimes isolated herself so she could think. At one point we ended up kissing. The only thing that was messing up the situation was talking about it.The other guy lives a few hours away, but has made no effort to be with her yet. I am not so pleased that he didnt put any effort into actually help her, and I got a bit vocal about it. He is coming over to live with her for a month, perhaps as a trial. He has previously had feelings for her and ruined an existing relationship after a few weeks several years ago because of it. He had no job, has been on the run with one of his parents for years and is so suspicious in his activities that some of my friends think he is dealing drugs.Anyway, to cut this short - I went away for a few days to clear my head and ask my old friends for advice. Unfortunately when I came back I managed to screw things over by delivering an ultimatum: she can't have the best of both worlds. If she doesnt want to be with me then she should not be friends either. She has now cut contact with me, but also with her family.I really like her. We went through a lot together and enjoyed each others company. Basically I want her back.So my question is: The relationships obviously overlapped, but is there any hope she might change her mind? I get the feeling that if I had cut contact immediately, she may have felt differently - but now I have screwed up by getting angry, being vocal and sending too many texts. Can anybody see anything unusual about the situation? Some speculate that it is a rebound, but the overlap means that is not the case. Has she been manipulated by somebody else? Is she at risk?I keep telling myself that because she cheated and left me in this mess that I should just move on. But we had a very good time and a really good chance of sorting things out.I've tried all sorts to try to prove myself. I've continued to be there for her, even though she hurt me. I've sent gifts and photos. And I even tried to put it all into a letter because she said she was having an information overload.I am quite confused, and while I know I should move on, I want to know what the chances are I can solve this and what I should be doing...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): although im not a fan of cheating i am going to play the devils advocate.. there are many reasons why people cheat.. it seems as though she went to this guy to get what she wasn't getting from your relationship. 4.5 years is a long time.
she has cut off all ties with every one because she is in pain... I think she is in pain over you. You both have no idea on how to communicate well..unfortuantly you have found this out a little to late.. the only thing i would do is go to her... and simply say:
I want to fix it. I love you. lets fix it together.
other than that there is nothing to do but wait. if you choose to. she is going to him because she feels she has to. she is hurting too.. also, you have no proof that anything other than an emotional affair was occuring. mainly because of arguments that were probably over stupid crap.
You basiclly broke it off--you gave the ultimatium.. when im faced with those.. i will tell you to shove it up your arse every time. I may suffer from it, but thats what i do.
I hope some of this helps...
A
male
reader, doom  +, writes (30 November 2009):
 Wow, you are really in love with that women.Bravo for loving her so much, but look at the fact: "you still like her" she has done lot's of bad things and she'll not be back, or if she'll be back that ont bring happines.So find your new way in life.It will be hard frst weeks,months, but i'm sur a nice carfull guy like you will find a nice girl that apreciates him.
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