A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner's 28 year old daughter has never accepted me into her father's life. She pretends I don't exist. At first I would have done almost anything to get her to talk to me. Now 9 years on I don't care, but now she has decided to pop back into her dad's life for a short while again. She is due to visit her dad in a couple of weeks and that means I am going to be exposed to this bad situation all over again. Her dad has no ideas as to how to move forward on this because as far as his daughter is concerned I don't exist, but I do. Do I make excuses and avoid the situation?Do I go and try to lay this ghost to rest?If I go how do I behave?Do I finish my relationship with her dad? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 So let him crawl and be very cool with him for a long time. keep him on his toes without discussing the issue, yet again, which, as you've seen today doesn't do any good.
Don't contact him again. Keep yourself busy. Enjoy the peace and quiet. Read a book, call a friend, treat yourself to a movie, whatever you enjoy.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Well as you have your own place it's easy to avoid his daughter and stay out of the way.
I still feel she does not 'have' to like you, but this means she is putting up barriers for herself. It means she will never have a happy visit with all of you getting along.
She has made her choice and you have to respect it.
As for you and her dad, that's a different issue, he will probably always put her first and even if the daughter was polite toward you, would you want to be around and merely tolerated?
Decide what YOU want to do, whether this situation with your partner is a deal_breaker now. 'When' you have made that choice, communicate. Until then don't ring him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 So this has happen before. Your partner is "taking" her side 100%. Which isn't really too odd as she is his daughter and if he had to pick one of you, clearly it would be his "child".
Then there is also the whole embarrassment. After all, did he FAIL to teach her how to behave? Even if she is an adult this is perhaps learned behavior?
Now you say you think he will start to "crawl" back after her visit, is that what you want? For him to alienate you so he can see his daughter without feeling like he HAS to ask HER to respect you?
I would stop contacting him and think about what you FEEL he should do in the future to make these "event" tolerable for you.
I'm not sure why you try and contact him ,my guess is that you are trying to "apologize" for making anything of it? If that is the case, don't apologize. Having expectations that your partners GROWN child can treat you with some semblance of decency is NOT to much to ask for.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany thanks for the replies.
We have no idea if she gets on with her mum's partner. He has a grown up family of his own but does not have much to do with them. From that we have guessed that she does get on with him.
We fought over her visit last night and again this morning. It happened quickly. I walked out crying and am at my own place now. I've tried phoning him but he is not answering either his landline or mobile.
I don't know what to do. Knowing my partner he'll not speak to me now until this visit is past and then slowly crawl back. That's whats happened before and that's what I can see happening again.
I don't know what to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 September 2014):
We all meet people we don't like in life so it could be the daughter will never accept or like you. It could be a simple clash of personalities. That's life.
It's not something you should split up with her dad over - not if you genuinely love and care about him. It isn't his fault she doesn't like you and the daughters visits are rare. So, just go stop elsewhere during her visit or you two ask 'her' to stay in a hotel
Does she get on with her Mums partner?
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 September 2014):
By your question 'Do I go and try to lay this ghost to rest?' I'm assuming they're meeting somewhere for lunch or dinner.
No. Do not go and try to lay this ghost to rest. Do not lie or make up excuses. Be up front and matter of fact, brief but not curt. Tell your husband to have a good time, but you won't be joining him. No further explanations are necessary.
If his nitwit daughter, at the age of 28, still hasn't figured out how to behave like a grown up then she isn't worth another ounce of effort. She's already had plenty of chances and there is nothing to be gained by making yourself (and those two clowns) suffer.
Your husband probably feels guilty regarding her and possibly his ex. Not that he's carrying a torch, but he may feel ashamed at what he believes is his failure in the previous marriage, and/or he's afraid he'll never see his daughter again if he pushes her to be civil with you. Either way, he's spineless so I wouldn't rely too much on him.
You might warn him that if his daughter can't even show you the most basic courtesy, his visit should be outside your home. If she does come to the house, ignore her and carry on as if she weren't even there. Be upbeat and do not hide in your room. Act normal. This is your turf so let her be the one to feel uncomfortable.
If your marriage is otherwise good, I wouldn't leave him over this, but I would re-evaluate the priority I give him in my life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2014):
For a 28 (or even 21) year old it's kind of ridiculous that she thinks by ignoring you and being rude to you will get her parents back together. If she was 4-10 y/o I can see it.
So my advice is to talk to your partner, and ask for his input on how to handle this AS A COUPLE.
I DO think it is ALSO silly to cater to a GROWN woman throwing a tantrum like that - so I hope for your sake your partner will stand UP for you and tell her to behave.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies and in answer to the questions I met her dad three years after she and her mother moved out to set up home with her mother's new partner. Her dad was alone and lonely when I met him. My partner says he has tried speaking to her but says she blanks all mention of my name at all times. Is it possible the reason for the cold shoulder is because she is trying to keep her dad alone just in case at some point in the future there is a possibility that her mum and dad can get back together again.It's like she has "sent me to coventry".
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 September 2014):
It depends how you and he met, if you were the reason he left home and her, then his daughter will never forgive you -why would she?
If you met long after he divorced/split up/lost her mum then she may still be won over. However as she is 28 you would have to approach it as woman to woman, talk as adults, she cannot be spoken to as a child anymore and wasn't really a child when you got together with her dad 9 years ago.
Your partner will want to be in her life its only natural, but he needs to let her know that you are his partner and if she can't get on with you then perhaps she should stay elsewhere where they can have quality time. Or perhaps you could go away visit family.
If face to face with her doesn't resolve issues then maybe you two will never get on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 September 2014):
Well we can hope she will have to grace and good manners to behave, though that may not happen.
So what can you do? The week she is there make plans with friend and family, that way father and daughter can spend time together and you won't have to put up with the crap.
One thing though, I can't believe your partner hasn't told her to grow the HAY HAY up and act like a decent human being. Now he may not be able to "make" her behave, but if that was me I would NOT have my daughter stay at my house if she was THIS disrespectful to my partner.
Talk to your partner and ask him what he thinks. Then decide what YOU want to do.
Can I ask why she is this way? Did her dad cheat on her mom with you or something like that? Or did her mom die? There is usually a reason for a cold shoulder, and I'm kind of curious as to why.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 September 2014):
 The daughter is too old to discipline and teach manners. She has her mind made up about and seems to think that dad should stay single forever or somehow magically get back with mom. No this does not mean the end of relationship with him. There is nothing the dad can do. He can't force her to accept you.
I am not sure how she can continue you don't exist. For example, if you are sitting together having dinner is she going to leave the table? That's perfectly fine she's missing out. Do not take this personally. She has issues and she can only change if she accepts help, but it won't be from you and your partner. You behave just like any other mother in laws would, extending friendship. Hopefully in time she will realize no matter what she does it does not change the fact that her dad has you. So it is better to choose to be happy about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (6 September 2014):
What a very sad and difficult position for you to be in.First of all you must be special to your partner if you both have lived 9 years together.So ask your partner to sit down and have an indept chat with him after all this is not your problem but his problem to -she is his daughter.Ask for his help and his support in the best way to handle this situation.If he feels he cant handle the situation.Would you consider asking him to go to a counsellor for help and advise with you.Kind regards NORA B.
...............................
|
