A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I wrote about this before, and now It’s been a week since my boyfriend ended things. He says he just wants to be friends with me, that he doesn’t feel those girlfriend/boyfriend feelings for me. He told me he’s not in love with me and that I would be better off without him.I think he ended things because things got a little rocky with us. Lots of arguing and hurt feelings. I miss him though. I am a wreck. We had a lot of good times together, and I keep playing them over in my head. I thought they outweighed the bad times, infact I know they do!, but then he blindsided with me with the breakup!I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t feel in love with me anymore, not after all those good times. He led me on for 2 months, leading me to believe that he loved me still and wanted to be with me, introduced me to his parents, kissed me tons… and then this happened. He said he hasn’t felt “that way” about me since Thanksgiving, but his actions speak otherwise! You don’t kiss someone and let them meet your parents (even have a 1 on 1 with your mom!!) if you don’t have feelings for them, do you?I want to write him an email telling him how heartbroken I am and how I miss him and… I just want him back. All of the arguing we did… we got past it all. He just couldn’t reconnect after it. He says he just wants to be friends… but I don’t think I can. I want him in every way. What could his motives be for just being friends? It was a sexless relationship, as that's what he believed in. So he's not trying to keep me on retainer for a booty call, I know that for sure. I was his first relationship. He told me that he still wants me in his life, and then I haven’t heard from him in 5 days. Would an email be a good thing? Or no?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): No don't contact him. It would appear needy. You are young and relationships come and go. Sometimes, due to lots of reasons, but youth is a particular one, someone falls in and out of love. It happens. The best thing you can do is say you would rather not be friends just at the minute as you need to get over him. Then don't be in contact for a least 3 months. You have to recover. Give yourself a chance. Do not pine away thinking this is your only chance at love - it isn't.
A
male
reader, als77  +, writes (10 January 2011):
I replied to your post before, but I can do it again :) You have two choices (I will not mention the "move along" since it seems this is not an option for you right now):
1) Give him time to think and sort out his feelings. Maybe your relationship was to much for what he could handle (if I remember correct, then he had emotional issues?), and maybe his feelings are different from what he expected. He might (...) need time to figure out what happened and what these feelings are (you were his first?)
2) Talk to him:
When my ex broke up with me, I desperately wanted our friendship to continue since our friendship meant very much to me. However, she were not able/willing to answer if she wanted to try for a friendship (this would normally mean a big NO, but she had emotional issues and I knew that there were at least a possibility that she (deep down) wanted a friendship, but were unable to say so). Finally, I could not deal with the uncertainty anymore and I told her that I wanted to have as deep a friendship with her as possible, but that I could not handle with the uncertainty and therefor would be avoiding her for a while (so she could think about it). A week or two later I approached her again and repeated that I wanted as close a friendship as possible and then she replied "you have a strange way of showing it"... The point being: Don't assume that he understands where you're coming from. If you want something more than a friendship, and option 1 is not possible, then talk to him to be sure that he (still...) understands were you're coming from.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): "You don’t kiss someone and let them meet your parents (even have a 1 on 1 with your mom!!) if you don’t have feelings for them, do you?"
Actually yes you do. It's pretty normal to do those things even if you don't love someone they're normal parts of a relationship. One he was still trying to make work.
"I thought they outweighed the bad times, infact I know they do!"
Not for him they don't. He doesn't love you, it's that simple.
"He said he hasn’t felt “that way” about me since Thanksgiving, but his actions speak otherwise!"
No they don't, he broke up with you those aren't the actions of a guy that's in love with you. All that other stuff since thanksgiving is just him acting like a boyfriend but he didn't feel anything while doing all that stuff.
"He told me he’s not in love with me and that I would be better off without him." Read this again and again, and again. He was completely correct and you should listen to him. No matter how you feel, no matter what you hope this sentence says it all. It is the biggest truth you will ever hear in your life, not only that he doesn't love you but it also is correct that you'd be better off without him in your life.
By all means email him, tell him how you feel and ask him what the chances are that he will change his mind. Look you're in the initial break up stages. The really horrible postmortem period, where you try and make sense of what happened you have to realize that none of his actions since thanksgiving are any indication of love. It just means he continued to do relationship stuff while with you he played the part of boyfriend as is normal. He would have been an asshole if he didn't do all that stuff and started leaving you out in the cold. Plus the whole period of time between thanksgiving and now is meant to be a nice time with family and all that stuff, so the timing was too bad for him to break up then.
Send him that email and then just sit back and give it a bit of time. I think he's already made it clear it's over but you still hope it isn't maybe if you see it i writing it will help.
Most of all though, just know that the next few weeks are the hardest part for you. The first 4-6 weeks after a break up are the worst but it gets easier after that. I would highly recommend not being his friend for a while though. You will not get over him while you are still in contact with him. If he's sure this is what he wants and he's certain he's not going to change his mind then friends really isn't going to work for you. So cut him out of your life for a while, so you can move on.
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A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Give it time, I know its hard hearing that. But time does wonders, or kills. Im speaking from experience as my now ex has told me he wants to be just friends after a serious relationship of 3 years. I wish I could be of more help, but just give it time. If you immediately go back to him begging, things won't change. He may not even think twice about not taking you back. Just give yourself some 'me' time, and let him have some space too. For all you know, he's going through the same thing as yourself.. Best of luck
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