A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 26 year old male, and like most people, I masturbate. I am saving sex for someone I am in love with- but in the meantime I have to make due.I'm wondering how many people can relate to my issues or what their opinions on my concerns about this sensitive topic are. I am always at a loss as to what to 'think' about when pleasing myself. I often think about women I have had a strong attraction to in the past and had a good friendship/relationship with. I will not think of a current romantic interest because I think that this is sort of strange (I wouldn't be offended if someone thought about me during the act, I just don't feel comfortable doing it). I want to make sure that my fantasies are healthy (sometimes I think that some of them are 'unhealthy' - i.e. having sex with someone I don't really care for). How do you decide what to think about and do you have certain limits or things that you keep in mind while having a fantasy? Also, I occasionally use pornography- but I hate that rarely are two loving, committed people depicted having 'normal' loving sex. It always seems to be super-skinny, fake-breasted women getting 'fucked' by men with 'huge dicks' and having a cumshot at the end.There also seems to be a lot of violence in pornography- from slapping/cumshots in 'normal' porn to ads I have seen for 'punishment' porn and porn that seems to simulate rape.Is anyone else disturbed by this? Is there any 'normal' porn out there?Just wanted some thoughts, opinions, etc.
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 @ OP
Just remember that sex is a skill like any other - you weren't born knowing how to walk or talk, and had to do it wrong a few times before you figured out how to do it right. A worthwhile girl will understand that. Take the time and make the effort to become a good lover, when that time comes, rather than just expecting yourself to be magically perfect. And as a bonus, even below-average sex can still be pretty good.
As a tip, the moves in porn are usually more about getting good visuals than they are about good technique, so don't start there. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers :)
Odds you really made me think and I appreciate your answer.
I think that one of my problems with sexual anxiety comes from the fact that I feel I won't be 'good' enough - I won't look, act, 'be' like the lover another person would want.
But I think that the truth is that nobody is perfect, and that I certainly wouldn't dump somebody I love because they weren't a "great" lover.
I'm not perfect and sex isn't going to be perfect either- and I don't think anyone should want it to be. It gives you a chance to grow and learn more about yourself and your partner - which is what I am really interested in, anyhow.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 November 2011):
There are a lot of questions in this post, so I'll just answer them at random.
Look for some of the amateur porn - there are plenty of healthy, loving couples (with normal-people bodies) who filmed themselves and put it online. Some of it is really good, actually - it's got all the awkwardness of normal-people sex, and realistic-looking (perhaps even real!) female orgasms.
What you think about when you masturbate is your own business. Doesn't matter if you're imaging missionary position with an acquaintance or the reverse double suspended wheelbarrow with She-Hulk, it's just your imagination, and it's just about getting you off. "Unhealthy" would be obsessing too much about having the "right" fantasies. What matters are your actions, not your whacking thoughts.
The reason you see ads for punishment porn is because with niche stuff like that, they have to pay more to make it, and fewer people want to watch it, so they have to advertise and charge money in order to turn a profit. More mainstream stuff can get by without the advertising. And in mainstream stuff, slapping and cumshots are no more "violent" than tackle football - it's consensual for the actors, and nearly always depicted as consensual in the video.
Good for you waiting for the right woman to have sex - that's a smart decision too few people make. But don't get the wrong idea about sex while you're at it. It has no more similarity to the flawless love scenes in Hollywood movies than it does to porn. Real sex can be awkward, too rough, not rough enough, or just messy (even when it goes perfectly, you still end up with sweaty sheets). Don't get caught up idealizing sex and needing it to be the "right" way, or the first time will be harder than it has to be. Keep your expectations realistic, and you'll do fine.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Amature porn is better - it's home made and it's not so graphic or as scripted as the professional stuff. Be careful though, the home made stuff is not regulated. You never can be sure if the woman and man has given permission to have their sex movies put up on the internet. But you don't sound like porn is really your thing, so why bother with it.
There is no normal, or abnormal in fantasy. That's why it's called fantasy. You can imagine have sex with a 50ft lizard if you want, it's in your head, nobody can see it, fantasy is there just to give you pleasure. Only get worried if you start finding illegal stuff (children) or extreme violence (killing) arousing, because that might point to issues, that might be brought into real life.
I find it problematic to have fantasies about people I know. It might make me look at a guy differently, or want to see ex people who I have already dumped. I like erotic stories, so my types of fantasies always have imaginary people, I'm not in them, it's like a private porn movie in my head.
For some reason, many women would love their boyfriend to fantasize about them only. But I don't know how this can be done. If you your in a relationship, you don't need to fantasize about the person, they are right there, you can go and touch them if you want. I'm not sure how having fantasies that copy real life actually works. For me that is strange.
Yep, some of the porn out there is disturbing to me. I've come across some very offensive stuff. But porn is also fantasy. You say you don't like certain stuff, but some other people love it. It doesn't make them sick or bad, it's just what makes them aroused. There is a whole pile of people who like violent sex, and not all of them are men. Some women, some lesbians, some gay people like violent sex too. There is a whole genre of sex called S&M and it's not new, it's been there for 1,000 of years. That's just the way some people are built.
I do want more "women friendly porn", but I guess it should be renamed "people friendly porn". The porn we have now is mostly bad, but it wasn't always like that. The golden age of porn was in the 1970's, and porn films even became mainstream. They had better production values, scripts and stories - but due to a variety of things (repression/economics/new technology), this type of porn got stopped, and now we are left with violent porn, anal sex, Lets all gangbang. 1-2-3 bang, bang, done and dusted crap. Porn is mostly boring now, and never see any comedy porn, which once was popular.
Normal, normal.. yep, controversial term - Fantasy is fantasy, whatever turns you is ok. It's in your head, and thoughts are very different from actions.
How about erotic books.. they have erotica for men (I hear) and erotica for women. They get pretty steamy and sexy and might work for you. You also got erotic comics, some people like it too. Try out Ellora's Cave
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