A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was wondering what people's opinions are on changing your mind about the way someone looks? A few months ago, I found out that my boyfriend told his friend last year that his ex was better looking than me and I wasn't all that great. I'm not usually a shallow person but I wasn't exactly an attractive teenager and I've worked really hard to look the way I do now. I didn't know how my boyfriend could think his ex - who broke his heart - is more beautiful than me, when I tried so hard to be everything he wanted and make him happy. He used to be depressed and now he's not because I helped him.Anyway, I have tried really hard to get past this but it's pretty difficult to feel attractive to him now. He keeps getting angry and upset at me for not letting it go. He says I shouldn't listen to what he said in the past because he changed his mind and now he thinks I'm way better than anyone else. I don't see how that can happen. I thought attraction was something that was kind of instinctual. I've always been attracted to him, even though he's not conventionally good-looking. He's tried to tell me both that he didn't mean what he said and that he was joking. I asked him what he did mean then and what the joke was (not in a snarky way or anything, I thought that if he explained it to me properly then I might feel better) but then he said he didn't know why he said it anyway. I feel like he must know why. I know why I did everything I've ever done, even if I think it wasn't a good idea in hindsight, I still know why I did it. It's basically got to the point where he's told me never to mention my insecurities to him again. But I just don't buy that he could change his mind about the way I look. I know he loves me but I'm sick of feeling second-rate. What do you think?
View related questions:
depressed, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miss.Cupid  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 when it comes to dating/relationships. the first thing anyone and everyone that notices is in fact looks, its what attracs you to someone. but there has to be an emotional/mental attraction as well not just physical. I do believe he said that because lets face it guys are guys when they hang out with their guy friends. did he mean it? I don't think so. you grilling him and questioning him about that will only make the relationship worst, which may be why his getting angry. I do think you should let it go. he stated that he loved you, maybe you didn't have the physical attraction then ,but he got to know you. looks are everything and they can only go far. But question you should be asking yourself more is. is he over her? are you just a shoulder he cries on?, if she was to want him back tomorrow, would be run back like a puppy? good luck. and in my opinion if you feel insecure and worthless and not good enough. move on, find someone who you feel confident, and beautiful with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): I wouldn't hold it against him because it will damage the relationship, but I think he's a douche for saying that. Maybe he thinks he's better than you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies and feedback people. Just a bit of information I thought I should add. We'd already been together for several months when he made that comment and he'd told me he loved me a couple of months previously so theoretically he did have emotion for me then. But yeah, I know objectively she is prettier and that'll be why he said it. Thanks for the replies.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (11 October 2013):
If you took a bunch of pictures of people's faces and showed them to someone and asked how attractive are these people on a scale of 1-10, you'd get much different answers than if you sat them down with each person for a date and then asked him.
When you first started dating your bf he probably still had an emotional connection with his ex, which increased her attractiveness (not to mention the weird things that heartbreak does to you). But now that he knows you better and cares for you instead of her, it's very likely that he does find you more attractive than her.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 October 2013):
 You are wrong. Attraction is tied to emotions as well. Without emotion (a year ago at the beginning of your relationship, and no emotions for an ex) attraction is seen without depth. It is comparable to looking at two pictures, deciding what looks best. With emotion, you see differently. Even as little emotion as a girl smiling in one picture, and the other not smiling, will make a difference.
Your boyfriend was dumb to say such a thing, but it is forgivable. He feels different now. Hes been in the doghouse for it, so let him back in now.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 October 2013):
You are wrong. Attraction is tied to emotions as well. Without emotion (a year ago at the beginning of your relationship, and no emotions for an ex) attraction is seen without depth. It is comparable to looking at two pictures, deciding what looks best. With emotion, you see differently. Even as little emotion as a girl smiling in one picture, and the other not smiling, will make a difference.
Your boyfriend was dumb to say such a thing, but it is forgivable. He feels different now. Hes been in the doghouse for it, so let him back in now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (11 October 2013):
 I completely understand why you're hurt and think your feelings are justified.
I know what he said was unkind but I think that this only hurts you so much because he's compared you to his ex and you came off second best.
If he had compared you to say a top model or movie star you wouldn't have been so offended to have been assessed as "not as good looking as ..."
Please remember that external beauty (or at least what society perceives as beauty) is fickle and fades with time.
Who you are as a person and how you behave makes a person truly attractive, just my opinion.
Only care about what YOU think of yourself. If you think your pretty and are a lovely person, believe it and that confidence will show and others will believe it.
So his ex might be more attractive or she might not, don't let it bother you sweetheart, they're not together so mute point.
Your boyfriend should not be getting angry with you over the fact that he's behaved like a complete idiot!
He needs to learn to think about the things he says and who he says them too because once out there, words cannot be taken back.
You won't be able to forget what he said honey, but the question is can you forgive him?
The balls in your court as I see it.
I hope this helps AB x
...............................
|
